Just Wait Until Next Year

I had a brainstorm the other day about selling t-shirts with the Canucks' logo and the phrase 'Just wait until next year' underneath it. I think I could make a fortune. I've been saying 'Just wait until next year' every Spring since I was old enough to talk. In fact those may have been my very first words. Either that or 'That Mike Bossy is a Motherfucker!' Can't really remember. Another season has come and gone for my beloved Vancouver Canucks. While this one was less painful and much less exhausting, it would be fair to call it a bigger disappointment. Last season died by the hands of the Boston Bruins and I really felt like this season did too. Not only were Kesler (still not really 100% and probably never will be), Edler (one broken finger from the Stanley Cup Final still hasn't healed)and Raymond (broken back from an arguably dirty hit by Boychuk, I only say 'arguably' because I'm trying really hard to sound objective, that has definitely hindered his play) not themselves, but also that big game in Boston during the regular season seemed to suck the life out of us. Sure we won the game and proved that we could score on the power play, but we never really seemed to regroup. I don't know if there is a stat for winning ugly games, but if there is I think we may have broken the record. Something seemed wrong about the way they played most of the season and I just thought that it was me waiting impatiently for the playoffs. While that was part of it, there was clearly more to it than that. I think it's important to give credit where credit is due. The LA Kings played a great series. They stuck to their game plan 100%. They have a great goalie and great defense and the Canucks didn't seem to have the skill level to really test Jonathan Quick for the first 3 games. A big part of that was not having Daniel Sedin. You could say that a contending team should be able to overcome the loss of one player, but really it's almost like losing 2 players. And their top 2 players at that. Henrik is not the same without Daniel. The NHL is really hard to figure out sometimes (okay, most of the time). Duncan Keith received a 5 game suspension (in the regular season) for his brutal intent-to-injure elbow to the head of last years Art Ross Trophy winner while Raffi Torres receives a 25 game suspension in the playoffs for his charge on Marian Hossa. I personally didn't think the Torres hit was late, but he did leave his feet and deserved a charging penalty in my opinion. Not only was the Duncan Keith hit late, Daniel never ever had the puck. The only way to really get the players' attention is, if it is determined to be an intent to injure, to suspend the guilty player at least until the injured player comes back, if not longer. If a player who is about to elbow a guy in the head knows that if he does some serious damage, he could be out for half a season or maybe even a full season, then he probably brings that elbow back down and tries for a clean hit. Obviously if Duncan Keith had missed the first 3 games of the playoffs that wouldn't have had any effect on the Canucks-LA series, but if this rule had been in place, the incident likely never would've happened, in my opinion. One big positive was the play of Cory Schneider. Even though he was only able to win 1 of the 3 games he played, he showed that he could handle the pressure and only lost because his team just couldn't score goals. It should be pointed out that Luongo also played well in his 2 games. It's sad that he always gets the blame. How many goals did the Canucks score in game 7 against Boston? That's right. Zero. There is a reason why this city is a goalie graveyard. I just hope that Schneider isn't next. Just remember that no goalie is perfect. Schneider will let in some crappy goals now and then. (Most often there will be a couple bonehead plays from his teammates before those goals but nobody seems to notice those). It's important to not crucify him for it. Luongo is an elite goalie and has given us 6 stellar years. He's unquestionably the best goalie the Canucks have ever had and I really hope that he goes to an Eastern team because if he doesn't, he could really come back and bite us in the ass. I have never been a fan of Alain Vigneault. When Mike Gillis became the new GM I expected him to make a change and I wanted Joel Quenneville. Too bad it didn't happen. There's no denying that Vigneault knows how to win in the regular season, but the Playoffs are an entirely different animal. It's almost like comparing a Lamb to a Tiger, or a Bunny Rabbit to a Cobra, or a, well, you get the point. I think AV has been out-coached in the playoffs more often than not. In game 1 against LA his team was so badly prepared that it was embarrassing. The Kings looked like the Oilers of the '80's and the Canucks looked like the Canucks of the '70's. AV has been here for 6 years. That's a very long time for a coach. Players get sick of hearing the same bullshit. It's time for a new voice and a new philosophy. Gillis wants the team to be attacking but AV is a defensive coach. It just doesn't make sense. I was convinced that a change would be made but now I am hearing otherwise. I know that a coach can't put the skates on and score goals; it's up to the players. A coaching change will not solve all of our problems, but it would at least get us heading in the right direction. It's unfortunate that most of the offensive-minded teams have lost in the first round. Is anybody interested in watching the LA Kings play against St Louis, other than their fans? I'm certainly not. It's hard to believe that Vancouver, Detroit, San Jose, Chicago, Pittsburgh and the Bruins all lost in the first round. I only hope that the GM's in the league don't decide to make their teams more defensive minded. We should all be cheering for the Flyers to win the Cup because at least they play an exciting, offensive style. Without good goaltending however, I don't see them winning it all. And now my long off-season begins. I can't really complain too much. Instead of sitting in front of my tv, holding my breath and drinking God knows what just because I think it may bring good luck, I will be spending more time on the golf course, the tennis court and the beach. I've put away my Canucks towel and brought out my lime green G-string. And maybe that's a good thing. No, you're right. It's not. But just wait until next year.

Time To Get My Drink On (Barf Bag Standing By)

In the wake of the Pittsbugh Penguins being bounced from the Playoffs, are the Vancouver Canucks next? We will soon find out. It's probably a good thing that they had 3 days off, especially for Daniel. He's obviously still not in game shape and got some extra practice time in. I doubt that the Canucks will lose 3 straight at home but if they do then they certainly don't deserve to advance to round 2 in the first place.

I really hope the Canucks plan is to set the tone in that first shift, but you never know with Vigneault. It's time for us to make another statement and start to take over this series. You can't do that by sitting back and playing not to lose. Can the Canucks win the next 3 games? Absolutely. 2 of them are at home and with the Sedins back together and Schneider playing lights out in net, it can definitely happen. What worries me the most is Jonathan Quick. He is more than capable of stealing a game and he only needs to do it once in the next 3 games.

It looks like Raymond will play on the 4th line although if it was my choice he'd probably be in the press box. He's just not playing well enough and making too many mistakes. You have to wonder if it is a confidence thing or if the back injury has had too negative of an effect. It may sound bad but it really doesn't matter. As a coach you have to put the players on the ice that will give you the best chance to win. I probably wouldn't have Manny Malhotra out there either although he is great on faceoffs.

It's too bad they don't have a consolation draw in the NHL for all the first round losers. The Wings and Penguins would already be in it and you could possibly add the Bruins and Canucks later today. You may even be able to add the Hawks to that list tomorrow. The consolation rounds could quite possibly get better ratings than the games with the teams still in it.

I'm certainly doing my part to keep the Canucks alive in these Playoffs. Banana Vodka Paralyzers to start each period and Melon Liqueur shots for every goal. I'm not sure who the idiot was that came up with that combo (okay it was me) but it worked last game so we have to stick with it. We also switched from our usual Baked Cheezies (broke my heart) to Cracker Jacks. Gotta go with that again. Can't change a winning formula. I'm also once again going to wear my White Hot t-shirt from 1994 even though it is 3 sizes too small now. (Don't worry, I won't post a pic). I'd say this superstitious stuff is bordering on insanity, but we crossed that threshold in last year's Stanley Cup Finals. No point going back now. If we are losing in the 3rd period, I may even put tinfoil on my head.

I thought about driving down to the game tonight. I hear tickets on Craigslist are selling below ticket price, which is still outrageously high. (GREEDY, GREEDY, GREEDY!!) But it's about a 5 hour drive and with all that traffic and construction, not to mention Rogers Arena may not sell Cracker Jacks and DEFINITELY won't sell Banana Vodka Paralyzers, I decided to stay home.

Last game was the first game this series where I made a prediction on the score. I correctly said 3-1 Canucks. I guess I had better make another prediction. Let's go with 4-2 Canucks. That sounds pretty good to me. If the Canucks score any more than that I will probably be throwing up something that will be unspeakably awful, and THAT I will post a pic of.

Canucks Need To Find A Way

It's do or die time. The Canucks just need to take it one shift at a time. Their backs are to the wall. They need to leave it all on the ice. These are probably the things that Alain Vigneault is going to be telling his team before they go out on the ice. He always was a great motivator.

The Canucks find themselves in the shocking position of needing to win 4 straight against the 8th seeded LA Kings just to make the 2nd round. It looks like Daniel Sedin is finally going to play although he apparently hasn't practiced much so I don't know how effective he will be. The bigger story, however, is who is going play goal for Vancouver. Luongo has been the go-to guy for 6 years. It looks like that ends tonight as Cory Schneider gets the start. I say it's the bigger story but realistically it may not even matter. The Canucks are not down 3-0 in this series because of their goaltending. The Canuck forwards have simply been unable to get to the front of the net. Most shots are coming from 30 or 40 feet out (or more) and Jonathan Quick is able to see most of the shots. If he can see it he's going to stop it. The Kings were outshot by a pretty good margin in that last game (I'd look up the exact numbers but I'm too lazy) but as far as scoring chances go, the Kings had more. How many scoring chances from the slot did the Canucks have? One. That's just not going to get the job done. If that continues, Schneider is going to have to be perfect to give the Canucks a chance to win. You would have to think that we will score eventually, it just might not be until the 4th overtime. Schneider was almost perfect in game 3, he will need to be better tonight if the Canucks are going to bring this series back to Rogers Arena.

Maybe the Canucks will be inspired by the Penguins tonight. Also facing elimination, the Penguins have scored 9 goals so far tonight and the 2nd period isn't even over yet. This Flyers-Penguins series has been crazy.

For the first time this Spring I put my Canuck flags on my truck as I drove into town. That's gotta bring some good karma. As far as our Canuck drink, we're going with Banana Vodka Paralyzers, which is a regular Vodka Paralyzer with a splash of Banana Liqueur in it. We are also going to be doing Melon Liqueur shots after every Canucks goal. Hopefully we get to do at least a few shots. In an act of total desperation, I'm doing away with my official Canucks snack, Baked Cheezies, and instead I am going with the tried and true Cracker Jacks. With all of that, how can we not lose? Hang in there Canucks fans, this isn't over yet.

Oh, And One More Thing...

I forgot one important thing in my blog yesterday about rule changes that would actually make the NHL much more watchable and more fair. If you look at the way round one of the playoffs has gone so far, every single team with home ice advantage has lost it. (The New Jersey - Florida series is still in the middle of game 2 but Florida is up 2-0 and if they hold on they'll get a split heading home.) Doesn't seem like much of an advantage to finish in the top 4 does it? I don't think it's much of a secret around the league. As the road team heading into the series, your goal is to at least get a split. That happens more often than you would think.

If the NHL made it a little more of an advantage to have home ice advantage in a series then down the stretch teams would be battling harder to win the President's Trophy rather than just make the playoffs and then try to get, or stay, healthy.

So how do they do that? How about having the team with home ice advantage start on the road? So in the Canuck series, for example, they would play the first 2 at Staples Center in LA and then play 3 games in Vancouver, game 6 in LA and game 7 in Vancouver. That way if the so-called favored team shits the bed in the first 2 games (a la the Canucks) they aren't in quite as much trouble. If the favored team gets a split, as so often happens, then they have an opportunity to wrap it up at home by winning all 3 games. Genius isn't it? Well, I hate to brag.

You could even take this one step further. How about giving the favored team the choice of the format the way it is now or this new proposed (and ingenius, okay apparently I don't hate to brag) format?

Gary Bettman seems so concerned about getting that huge tv deal in the US. Instead of fighting to give an NHL team to every city in the Southern US and having half full buildings (only half full if they offer 4 tickets, 4 hot dogs, 4 cokes and free parking for $20) how about making changes to the game which would make the teams actually want to put the effort in to finish first overall. Jeez. Did I just make Gary Bettman sound like an idiot? Sorry about that.

A Change Will Do You Good: Improving the NHL

I'm getting sick and tired of seeing what once was a great sport being ruined by Gary Bettman. Here is a list of changes that need to be made. The sooner the better.

- Fire Gary Bettman (okay, that one is obvious)

- Get rid of the automatic penalty for flipping the puck over the glass in your own end. Leave it to the ref's discretion.

- Get rid of the rule that the top teams in each division are automatically the top 3 teams in the conference. It sucks that it's not possible for Pittsburgh, Philly, Detroit and Nashville (4 legitimate Cup contenders) to make the 2nd round.

- Either change to the no-touch icing rule or have a race to the goal line. Too many needless injuries.

- As I mentioned in my last blog, if you injure someone illegally and it is deemed an attempt to injure, you cannot come back before the injured player. That might make some of these star players who often seem to get a pass think twice about trying to take someone's head off with their elbow.

- I doubt this would happen as long as Gary Bettman is in charge but I would abolish the instigator rule. I think we'd see a lot less cheap shots and thus less injuries.

- As far as suspensions go, I would like to see an independent group determine the length of suspension. I'm not convinced that it is a fair system for all teams the way it is right now.

- I would also like to see them once again make glove hand passes in your own zone illegal. Let's make it more difficult on those d-men and force them to make a skilled play. I never did like that rule change.

- I do like the 4 on 4 OT, but how about 2 points for a win and 0 points for an OT loss? Get rid of the shootout. A tie means each team gets a point.

Finally, not really a rule change but a big change to the game, I would make the ice surface wider. Not like the European ice, but may 4 or 5 feet wider. I think this is an inevitability in this league. The players are bigger and faster than ever and injuries continue to skyrocket. Obviously Bettman and the owners don't want to take seats out of their buildings, but the game would be immensely better if there was more room out there. As I say, this will happen at some time. Hopefully very soon.

There you go. I think these changes would really make watching NHL hockey a lot more enjoyable. Maybe if they ever do fire Bettman I should submit my resume. As long as it doesn't involve me having to get out of my comfy easy chair!

No Time To Panic

After an abysmal effort in a game 1 loss, the Canucks upped their compete level considerably in game 2. While they didn't dominate like I'd hoped that they would, at least they were able to skate with the Kings and had a definite edge in play five-on-five. Sometimes all it takes is a miscue or two. Sometimes the better team doesn't win. I think that happened tonight as LA pulled off a big 4-2 win to take a 2-0 lead back to Staples Center.

The Canucks undoing was their power play. You can look back to them trading Cody Hodgson and not getting a power play guy in return, you can look at their inability to replace Ehrhoff, and of course you can look at the loss of Daniel Sedin, something that obviously is not Mike Gillis' fault. All of these have been a factor. I also think that Newell Brown has made their power play too predictable. It's time to change things up and maybe lose the neutral zone drop pass. Something drastic has to happen. They can't get by LA, let alone win a Stanley Cup without some production from the PP.

Back to Daniel Sedin for a moment. I would like to see a rule change. If it is deemed an attempt to injure which clearly, watching the incident with Duncan Keith, I would say that it was, then the offending player should be out at least as long as the injured player if not longer. The important thing here would be to find a way to determine what exactly is an attempt to injure. Rome on Horton? I would say no. Weber on Zetterberg? Probably yes. The Bitz hit on Clifford? That's where it gets a little tricky. I'm not sure. But I do think that if there was a rule in place there would probably be a good chance that Duncan Keith turns to retrieve the puck, which is instinctually what a defenceman would do in that moment, instead of targeting Daniel's head with his elbow. His season could be on the line. Maybe that would help lessen the concussions and extend some great player's (Sidney Crosby) careers.

I will say this though, if Daniel Sedin does not return to the Canucks and they don't get past LA, or even if they fail to win the Stanley Cup, Duncan Keith is probably not going to feel very welcome coming back to BC, and I'm not above going all Tonya Harding on his ass.

Roberto Luongo has been at or near the top of his game for the first two games of this series. Surprisingly I haven't read any hateful Twitter tweets. (Pretty sure that's redundant.) Having said that, I personally would go with Cory Schneider for game 3, as I mentioned in my last blog. I think Schneider is a little quicker, better positioned, more patient, and has overall had a better season. Perhaps more importantly the team often seems to play better in front of him. More than anything this team needs to change something up.

Once again this year the Canucks were a great road team. There are often a lot of distractions at home, and most certainly a lot of pressure. They were probably looking forward to getting out on the road. Don't jump off the bandwagon yet. If we fight back on Sunday and find a way to win, well we are right back in the series. I really hope that Daniel is able to come back, but I have a bad feeling. The Canucks are really going to have to tighten things up in their own end if Daniel doesn't come back or there may not even be a game 5 back in Vancouver. For me though, that would be less heartbreaking and way less painful than losing game 7 in the Stanley Cup Finals.

Well my lucky, smelly autographed Canucks t-shirt, which was so successful last Spring, didn't work. My Long Island Iced Teas were a bust. I'm not sure what else to try. Still have to decide on our next Canuck drink. Definitely thinking about Tequila Shooters but I worry that if the Canucks go on a big winning streak (and of course we will have to continue drinking Tequila shots every game) then I would miss the Stanley Cup Parade because I would be in AA Meetings. Maybe I'll just go with Pear Cider.

Time To Flip The Switch

Well that was rather unimpressive. The Canucks played game 1 of their first round series against The LA Kings like they were the team that just squeaked into the playoffs not the other way around. They played like they were afraid to lose, rather than playing to win. They also looked like they were afraid to move their feet. Dare I bash the coach for the umpteenth time since he's been here? Why bother. Won't do much good.

One thing many Canucks fans fail to do is credit the opposition when they play well, and LA played a great game. The Canucks simply couldn't, or wouldn't, raise their compete level and try to skate with this team. It's infuriating to me when we only go on the offensive when we are down a goal and if we tie it up we tighten up once again and let them take it to us. That's just bad coaching. And here I said I wasn't going to bash the coach. Oops.

One of the few good things on the night was the play of Roberto Luongo. Actually I'm not sure if that's good or bad. It might be a little more comforting if we could just blame the goaltending and pretend everything else is great. I think a lot of Canuck fans have been doing that most of the season.

As lop-sided as this game was it was still a winnable game for the Canucks well into the 3rd period. A lucky bounce here or there and they might've even gotten a victory. I hate to bitch about the refs but as Tony Gallagher said in his column in The Province, they basically scored the first Kings goal. How they call Kesler for spraying the goalie I will never know. That led to 2 consecutive clearing the puck over the glass penalties which were a direct result of being short-handed and the game took a turn for the worse at that point. I am often quite vocal about the reffing, but I can also be objective. I get mad when the refs make a bad call on the opposition as well. I want the Canucks to win fair and square and I would love to barely notice the officials in a game, especially when the game doesn't get out of hand with fights and dirty hits. I want to see some even strength play, is that too much to ask? Probably.

I think I'm most disappointed that my Vodka Paralyzers didn't do the trick. Now we have to change drinks. It breaks my Heart. That's okay. I love our game 2 drink as well, Long Island Iced Tea. If we don't win this one then we may resort to Tequila shots for game 3, but let's not go there right now.

My lucky Baked Cheezies didn't help either, but I don't have to change that up. It's ridiculous to think that eating Baked Cheezies could influence a hockey game. Nope. It's all about the booze.

A lot of people are calling game 2 a must win game for The Canucks. I don't quite see it that way. Keep in mind that those hated Boston Bruins (sorry, I threw up in my mouth a little just saying their name) lost the first 2 games at home to Montreal in round 1 last year and they went on to win The Sta...sorry, I can't even say it. While I think the Canucks need to approach this game as a must win, their road record was great again this year so I wouldn't totally count them out if they lose tonight. In my opinion though, if we do lose tonight, no matter how well Luongo plays I would probably go with Schneider for game 3, just to change things up a bit. The team for some reason often plays better in front of Schneider.

Now is not the time to jump off the bandwagon. Now is the time to wave those flags and chant 'Go Canucks Go!' and of course drink those Long Island Iced Teas like there is no tomorrow!

The (Hopefully) Long Journey To The Stanley Cup Begins

It's been 10 months since I last wrote about the Canucks. I wrote a blog after every game they played in last years playoffs. Except the last one. It was excruciatingly painful the way the Canucks crumbled to the Bruins, an inferior team in my opinion. I didn't even watch Chara hoist the Cup. I couldn't. I'm not even going to talk about what happened last Spring. It's too exhausting and depressing to think about. Right now it's time to focus on a new opportunity for Henrik to carry the Cup around the ice and enable me to finally open the champagne that is in the back of my fridge somewhere. Hopefully it doesn't have an expiry date.

It's been a long season for all of us Canucks' fans. Even longer for the players I'm sure. Hard to believe, as up and down as their season has been and as lackluster as they've played at times, that they've been able to win their 2nd straight President's Trophy. A pretty incredible feat that admittedly doesn't really mean much at the end of the day.

I watched 81 games this year, but really was more focussed on Tweeting than the actual games. With the exception of a few games (Boston, Detroit, Chicago) I haven't been paying attention nearly as much as most years. I think our expectations are so high that anything short of a 6-0 victory every game is a disappointment and somebody needs to be traded, or fired. Now we can all settle down. There will be no more trades and Vigneault will hold onto his job at least for the next couple of months.

I don't think there is any question that the Canucks have not put in a full effort for most of this season. Their focus has clearly been to be as ready as possible and as healthy as possible by April 11, which coincidentally enough is today. A lot of games I think I put more effort into my Twitter comments than most of the Canucks do playing. The real question is, will they be able to raise their game enough to beat a very solid team in the LA Kings? Soon enough we will know the answer. But for now, if you would like a little expert analysis or insight into this series, well, you probably will want to read someone else's blog. I'll just say that as long as we get good goaltending I think we'll find a way to score enough to win. If Luongo can't get the job done then I think Cory Schneider will. I don't care which one of them wins us a cup (or both, just not at the same time - unfortunately that's against the rules), just as long as we win. The best players put the team before themselves. In any sport. As good as Steve Yzerman was he didn't become a great player until he became a 2 way player and was dominant at both ends of the ice. I would take a young Steve Yzerman over an overly flashy all-about-me Alex Ovechkin any day. I really get the feeling that the Canucks as a whole put the team before themselves. That's how you win. Or to be more accurate, that's how you give yourselves a chance to win.

This team seems to be the most hated in the NHL and I'm not really sure why. On the ice I can see why people watching get frustrated. Kesler and Burrows do dive a lot. Lappiere yaps a lot. But off the ice they are a very classy bunch and there is no one more classy than the Sedins. All in all it doesn't matter anyways. Great teams are always hated. I'm not sure if there is a team in baseball more loved and more hated at the same time than the Yankees. (For the record, I hate them.) I think we should all take it as a compliment. I don't like the way CBC talks about the Canucks though. Our taxes help fund that shitty network. I don't need to hear that weasle Ron McLean bash our team. In fact not only did I not watch any Hockey Night In Canada games that didn't involve the Canucks this year, but I also changed the channel between periods when I did watch. Thanks to Youtube I could still hear the hilariously stupid things coming out of Don Cherry and Mike Milbury's mouths.

As we approach game time for the Canucks - Kings game my sources have told me that Daniel Sedin will not play. (Okay, I don't really have sources, just trying to make this sound better.) I wouldn't panic about that. The Canucks have been great without Daniel down the stretch and I would think that 2 goals may be enough to beat these Kings. We should be able to score twice without Daniel, if not someone needs to run Quick into next week. (Kidding.)

It's time for me to look out my Canucks towels, Jerseys, flags, mugs, posters, programs, autographed t-shirts etc and poor myself a Vodka Paralyzer. That's our drink to start the playoffs. We will be drinking Vodka Paralyzers every game until the Canucks lose and then we will switch to something else. I hope we sweep. I love my Vodka Paralyzers.

Enjoy the game and will all of you Canucks' fans please do me a favor and rally around Luongo. If you want this team to win, and I know you do, it would take a lot of pressure off of his back if everyone just gave him a break. NOBODY wants to win more than he does and nobody works harder on and off the ice. Let's just give him a break. He's trying his best and that's pretty much all we can really ask.

Las Vegas: Did I Mention The Buffets?

It's been one week since I've returned from Vegas. Seven days. It's taken me that long to gather up enough energy to be able to write one final Las Vegas blog. That's what Vegas does to you. It drains the life from you. I thought I was ready, but clearly I was wrong. Next time maybe I should sleep for a full twenty-four hours before hopping on that plane.

I've heard people who don't like Vegas say that it's overwhelming, it's tacky, too busy, too expensive, over the top and ridiculous. I've heard people that love it say that it's fun, it's a party, great food, great shows. The truth is that Vegas is all of these things. Do I REALLY feel like I've been to Paris or New York? No. The hotels are simply artistic interpretations of these places, and for me they were pure, ridiculously over the top fun.

It's unfortunate that we were almost two hours late arriving in Vegas and yet our flight home landed early. Why does that always happen? In the end I probably averaged about four hours sleep a night for the four nights we were there. (For those of you keeping score at home, that's a total of sixteen hours of sleep.) I've never been a good sleeper, but just knowing that there were restaurants and ice cream shops open all night made sleep all but impossible. I actually fell asleep every night, err morning, in the bathtub. (Is that a modern day waterbed perhaps?) Luckily I remembered to wear little floaties on my arms to keep from drowning. My feet also floated on top of the water, due to a series of giant blisters. I should have really gotten a picture of that. Come to think of it, I'm glad I didn't. Ryan needs more sleep than I do so while he slept I would write my blog and on a few occasions I went back down to the casino to see how much more money I could lose on those mind-numbing machines.

I'm not a gambler. I've never claimed to be. I just recently found out that Roulette isn't a female hockey sport where they have no hooks on their sticks. I understand the basics of poker and blackjack, but I don't know anything about chips and gambling etiquette and I don't want to appear stupid. (I also saw Rainman where Dustin Hoffman got into trouble for counting cards. I'm not nearly intelligent enough to be able to count cards but I often have that stunned look on my face that Rainman often had and I tend to repeat things ad naseum. There's probably a pretty good chance I would've been thrown out of the city.) So there I was at the slot machines putting in twenty after twenty. You kind of go into a trance after a while. Kind of like women when they are shopping. At Treasure Island I was up fifty bucks when I cashed out. That was a big moment for me, because every other time, without exception, I lost. With my bad luck there's not much chance I would ever become addicted to this.

They've made a very clear and conscious effort in the last decade to make Vegas less child-friendly. The newer hotels such as City Center and the Wynn hotels are not appealing at all to kids. I think this is a good thing. Vegas is not really a good place for kids. Take them to Disneyland instead. I found it very strange walking into the smoke pit that is Circus Circus and seeing a mezzanine above the casino filled with games and cotton candy and everything little kids would love, set around a circus. Smoking and kids? I just don't understand how they can get away with this. This is something that will have to change. It's really my only gripe about Vegas. (Besides our first cab driver that took us through the tunnel and turned a ten dollar fare into a thirty dollar fare, but I only gave him a 10 cent tip so IN YOUR FACE BITCH!!) Even the brand new Cosmopolitan (some amazing restaurants in this hotel set around a tacky three-story chandelier) reeks of smoke. My teeth are a little more yellow and my lungs a little blacker just from having lunch in the buffet. (Which was soo amazing that, Hell, what's a year or two off of my life?)

We did a lot in our four days in Vegas. My brother told me that we did more there than he's ever done and he's been there countless times. I dragged poor Ryan around that place at break-neck speed. But he didn't complain. I think that he was just as entranced as I was. Even still there are a lot of things that we didn't get to do. (Such as lose a tooth, meet Mike Tyson, find a baby, steal a tiger, marry a whore. Hey, that could be a movie!) We still want to see Celine Dion (if the bitch ever gets her voice back), Penn & Teller and O among others. (And no, not Donny & Marie, I'm not THAT gay.) Places that I liked enough to stay at: Paris, Planet Hollywood (again), New York New York, Treasure Island, The Mirage, Caesar's Palace and Mandalay Bay. Places I would stay if I won the lottery (or somebody just gave me a whole stash of money to pay for my kidney transplant): The Venetian, The Hotel at Mandalay Bay, Wynn and Wynn Encore. Places I would only stay at if I had an oxygen mask and a hat and sunglasses because I would be embarrassed to be recognized there: Excalibur, Circus Circus, The Flamingo, Bill's Gamblin' Hall.

For the one or two of you that actually read my other Vegas blogs, I feel that I should clarify something. I wrote a lot about the food, particularly the buffets. I probably painted a picture of heaping mounds of mashed potatoes, piles of lasagna, and plate after plate of pizza. This is simply not accurate. In reality, while I did have two plates of food at every buffet, and then another for desserts (yes desserts, plural. In my World desserts has always had three S's) I only had a tablespoon or two of a few things just to try them. The only time I took more than that was when they were in individual dishes (like the amazing French toast at the Spice Market Buffet at Planet Hollywood.) I was worried about feeling sick and sluggish when we had miles and miles still to walk. Actually, worrying about gaining weight never even crossed my mind.

I took over four hundred pictures in four days. (That's a hundred pictures a day, come on, did you really need a calculator for that?) I posted a half dozen or so to my Twitter account (@coreyoke1) and over two hundred on Facebook. Ryan made about eighty-five videos which I will quite possibly post if I can ever figure out how to do that. I think it's safe to say that Vegas became an obsession for us. I already miss it. Okay, I miss the buffets.

There is talk of a group of friends going to Vegas in May. Now that would be fun. The swimming pools would be open. One word of caution: I'd probably wear my lime green Borat speedo. Uh oh. Now I probably won't be invited. Vegas was fun with just the two of us, but with a large group it would be a blast. (Dining-and-dashing with two people is kind of boring). We will see. I'll certainly have to try to save up some money first. While I may have left my heart in San Francisco, I definitely left my wallet in Las Vegas.

Las Vegas: The Track Meet Comes To A Close

We did a lot on our final day in Las Vegas. I actually got a decent sleep, probably 6 hours. I needed it. I'll need a lot more when I get home. We headed over to the Cosmopolitan across the street to have what everyone says is the best buffet in Vegas, The Wicked Spoon. The critics are right. It is amazing. I had some lobster pasta, some butternut squash ravioli, some delicious gnocci. Everything I tried was really good. And then I found the dessert section. I had to take pics. To show all the desserts I probably took 8 pics. I'm sure I looked like a tacky tourist, but the truth is that I pretty much am. No need to try to fool people. I will spare you the details of every single dessert that they have (only because I'm really tired and we have to be at the airport by 8:45 am), but I will post a lot of pics. All of them on Facebook and a few on Twitter.

After our lunch ($22 each is pretty steep for lunch but I had $22 worth of desserts) we walked to the Bellagio and hopped in a cab and headed to Circus Circus. The cab driver (all of them have been really nice and we've had some pretty good conversations) laughed the whole way there about us leaving The Bellagio for a dump like Circus Circus. I told him The Bellagio doesn't meet our standards. We needed an upgrade. The truth was I just wanted to see on of the more historic Las Vegas hotels before they blow it up to build something else and I wanted to go on the roller coaster. The Canyon Blaster was a lot smoother than the New York New York coaster and half the price but we both felt sick afterwards. You go upside down four times in about 30 seconds. I'm surprised I didn't throw up. Once that was over we walked to the dumpy and smokey casino to see the trapeze acts but they were on a break so we got the hell out of there, hopped in a cab and headed to the Stratosphere.

The Stratosphere is very similar to the Egyptian pyramids, only instead of Egyptians lugging stones up one at a time by ropes, they used big cranes and lots of concrete to build the Stratosphere. Okay, so it's actually nothing like the Pyramids. It is one of the highest free standing structures in the US, if not the highest. Can't remember. Google it. From the top you walk around this pretty crappy glass enclosed (and dirty glass, try taking a pic through that) area. I wasn't very impressed. I'm so glad you could go upstairs and outside. It's amazing out there. There was no wind and it was about 21C. It really was beautiful. There are 3 rides at the top. All 3 of them you have to be crazy to ride. Oh and you can also bungy jump off of it as well. I think I would rather hammer a nail through my nutsack.

Once we headed back down the elevator we jumped in a cab once again and headed to Freemont Street downtown. Incidentally there are more cabs in Las Vegas per capita than anywhere else in the US. See, keep reading this blog and you will eventually learn something. Maybe I should teach a course. Oops. It's not like me to digress. Anyways, Freemont Street was pretty cool. We walked through the historic Golden Nugget and saw the pool with a big huge aquarium with sharks that had a giant waterslide go right through it. Pretty cool. On our way through the casino rap star Coolio almost knocked Ryan over. That was his brush with fame on this trip.

Freemont Street is a very cool experience. I wish that we had been there at night, but we'll try to do that next time. We bought frozen mudslides and walked through some shops. Eventually we got to the zip line and waited the 45 minutes to go on. I've never tried it before and I was really afraid I would scream like a little girl and make a fool of myself. It was actually really fun and I didn't scream, but at the end you go in really fast and then it stops very quickly. That was a little scary. It was a lot of fun though.

Once again we jumped in a cab and headed back to our hotel to get ready for dinner. It was Friday night on the weekend of the Nascar race so it was getting busy. The roads were jammed and the police had one whole area blocked off. The cab driver figured there was a shooting. He had trouble getting through so he was taking short cuts and he was flying. I think he may have been Spanish, he talked like Rafa Nadal and I had trouble understanding him. Stuck in traffic he would wait for his opening and the say 'and, and, and, it's CHO TIME!' and then he would gun it and change lanes at about 3 G's and I was almost ready to put my head between my legs.(As a safety precaution people, I'm not that flexible). Eventually we got back to the hotel and I was feeling sick.

Earlier in the day I had made reservations for Jaleo in the Cosmopolitan, the 7th best rated restaurant in Vegas according to my trusty Unofficial Guide to Las Vegas book. It was the only restaurant in the top 20 that was moderately priced. Why was it moderate? Because they were small dishes,tapas, that you share. I'm a soup lover so I ordered the Ajo Blanco Con Cangrejo. (Chilled almond and garlic soup with crabmeat and green grapes). The waiter was impressed and said it was the best thing on the menu. I told him that I was a writer for Food Magazine and I'm a regular judge on Iron Chef. Not sure if he bought it. Anyways, the soup was very good. Ryan ordered the Sopa de Ajo (cold garlic soup with black garlic and egg) and didn't like the fact that the egg was raw. He's not really an egg person so he had a bit of trouble with that and I think it kind of put him off for the rest of the meal. We also ordered a La Serena Con Membrillo each (La Serena cheeses and a quince paste) and they were delicious. Cheesey with a bit of wine and quite sweet all in a little ice cream cone type thing. We also ordered chicken fritters that came in a shoe. Not kidding. Maybe it's a Spanish thing. They were good. We also ordered Patatas Bravas which were like potato chips with a spicy tomato sauce and alioli. They were delicious. I also ordered a cajun style dish of Prawns that reminded me of the French Quarters of New Orleans. We also had some delicious Spanish wine and a great dessert. Don't worry, I took pics of everything. It didn't seem like I ordered that much but our bill came to $123. Some much for moderate prices.

After the show we had to walk to Caesars Palace. Since the Bellagio is on the way we got to see the Fountain Show from street level for the first time. We have a fountain view so we've seen them from our room a few times but it's a lot better from the ground and when you can hear the music. We continued on to Caesars and went to Absinthe in a tent just outside of the hotel. It's a very funny acrobatic show that is 18+. After 3 days of Cirque du Soleil shows it was a nice change of pace. The master of ceremonies and his ditzy blond assistant insulted just about everyone and every race. He used pretty much every bad word I could possibly think of, and many times. It's a hilarious show with some incredible acrobatics, all in a very tight space. The stage is only about 10 feet across. The show is in the round. If you are not easily offended and have a good sense of humor I think this show is a must see while in Vegas. I was also allowed to take pics (with no flash) and I took a lot. I will post them when I get home. (Well, after a LONG nap.)

After the show we headed to the Forum Shops at Caesars. Very cool to see and ridiculously over the top. We got a few good pics in there. Then we went through the Flamingo which was very smokey and gross but it was cool to see. There is a lot of history there. We also quickly walked through Bill's Gamblin' Saloon (also smokey and gross) and went into Ballys which went through to Paris. More frozen drinks. Very good. Then we headed back to Planet Hollywood where I quickly lost $50 playing video poker. I guess I just haven't quite grasped this gambling thing. Probably a good thing we are going home soon.

It's very strange to see people smoking inside. A lot of the older hotels absolutely reek of cigarettes. I grew up with a smoker so I'm used to that smell. (Also the smell of Vodka and vomit but that's a different story). Even still, I was bothered by it. I just can't believe Nevada hasn't made smoking indoors in public places illegal. It will be interesting to see how that plays out but you'd think it would be inevitable.

It's been a great trip. We've seen a lot, but it's impossible to see everything in one trip. It would be nice to be able to come back soon. I've been offered Celine tickets for 15% off and a Caesar's room for 25% off so hopefully we can get back there before the end of Summer. But don't bet on it. (See what I did there?)

Guess I should try to get a few hours sleep. Hopefully the flight home is a little less interesting. The flight to Vegas was a thrill ride all its own. I will write a final Vegas blog in a day or two with some more fun facts and trivia (who knows, some of it may even be true) and I'll post the 700 or so pics that I took. (685 of them are of food.) I even have quite a bit of video and if I can figure out how to do it I'll probably post some. In the words of Donny & Marie, who thankfully we didn't see, G'night everybody.

Las Vegas: Ka Sera Sera

After yet another hectic day, it's nice to be typing this while sitting in a comfy chair at a desk in the hotel room instead of in the bathroom. Ryan is asleep in the soaker tub. At least I think he's asleep. I never thought I'd need to bring a life jacket to Vegas, but I will next time. Or maybe one of those pink flamingo floaty things. That would probably garner a bit of attention going through airport security.

I was able to get about 5 hours sleep, which wasn't nearly enough. I felt like I got run over by a cement truck, and looked like I got run over by the ugly truck. Yep, I'm tired. I think I've probably gained about 10 lbs. And that's just from the bags under my eyes.

I thought we'd check out the Spice Market Buffet in our hotel. (Notice the one word you will NEVER hear me say in my blog? (Well, besides vagina.) Breakfast. It's just not going to happen. Unless I have it BEFORE going to bed. I thought it was a pretty good buffet. I'm getting good at not eating too much. Gotta save room for the desserts. And the desserts here were pretty impressive. I had a made to order banana crepe with chocolate sauce and whipped cream on the top. Now we're talking!

After lunch we headed next door to Paris to go up the Eiffel Tower. We had a 2-for-1 coupon (I'm not really a coupon guy, but it was pretty expensive so what the hell) and after about a half hour wait up we went. It was a beautiful view and I got some great pics. Ryan brought the camcorder and has videotaped a lot throughout the day. Unfortunately most of the video will be filled with my moronic comments and me breaking into song (Viva Las Vegas, Hey Baby Let's Go To Vegas etc...) or me acting as tour guide. I don't think he was to impressed.

When we came down we jumped into a cab (I'll never try that again, I hit my head) and headed to The Mirage to see the Lions, Tigers and Dolphins (Oh my!). That was pretty cool and we got some great pics and video. It was a nice change of pace. That's the thing about Vegas. You can go all out and drink and gamble like most people do. Or you can relax. For $12.99 you can get a pot of Earl Grey Tea on the 23rd floor of the Mandarin Oriental and then go to the spa and get a massage and a hand job for $89. (A blow job is an extra $50.) You can go cheap, or you can spend a fortune. Or somewhere in between. I've gotten a little carried away. I may need to host a telethon when I get back. RING THOSE PHONES!!

After the Dolphins we took the free tram (Free is a rare and pretty cool word in Vegas) to TI, or as you unhip people would call it Treasure Island and then walked across the tram to the Wynn Encore. Ryan wanted to pick up a program from Le Reve. I have to say the Wynn hotels are the most visually spectacular. It makes me think of John Hammond from Jurassic Park, 'We spared no expense.' Unfortunately there are no dinosaurs, unless you count 99.9% of the guests staying there.

We took a brief stroll through the Fashion Show Mall which is roughly the size of Metrotown, the biggest mall in BC. Then we headed back to TI to see the pirate show, which was a bit better than I expected. Hey, it was free, and remember what I said about free in Vegas.

We then headed back to our hotel to relax for a few minutes. I changed into some dressier clothes and we headed to Mandalay Bay. It was one of the places I wanted to stay but it was just too expensive. It's a very nice hotel. I was very impressed.

Next was the Luxor which was actually very cool. If my Mother was there she would be able to tell me if it was accurate. She went to high school with King Tut. We didn't spend too much time here, but it was a pretty neat place.

Finally we found some moving sidewalks (what a concept) as we headed to The Excalibur. I did not like this hotel at all. It reeked of cigarette smoke and was just dumpy. I felt dirty. Like I do after dropping @bcdarr off in Whalley. Okay, not quite THAT dirty. But still pretty dirty.

Next we walked next door to New York New York and headed to Il Fornaio for dinner. We shared some delicious flatbread with tomatoes, basil, oregano, kalamata olives an mozarella cheese and we each had a glass of wine (no BC wine here so for the first time in over 3 years I drank imported wine) and then the main meal was Pollo something or other. It came with Yukon Gold potatoes (funny how all the upper end restaurants here are advertising yukon gold potatoes) and spinach. It was actually a little disappointing to me. Ryan makes much better chicken dishes. The bill came to $80 which is too much to pay for average food.

By now it was time to head across the street to MGM Grand to see Cirque du Soleil`s Ka. On the way I stopped at the sports book to watch a bit of the Canuck game. Every hotel has a sports book. It`s where there are a few giant screen tv`s and several dozen big screen tv`s and you can bet on just about anything from who will score the first basket in a game to the color of Ryan Kesler`s pubic hair. I`m guessing he doesn`t have any. The Canucks scored to tie the game at 2 and then it was time to head another 3 km`s to the theatre.

Our seats were 3rd row centre which I think is too close. I`d say about row 10 or 12 would be perfect. I`ve heard a lot about Ka so I went in with high expectations. Nothing could`ve prepared me for what I saw. It truly was incredible. Only a complete idiot would attempt to describe the show. So here goes. There is no stage. When you arrive it`s just a big giant hole. Then a stage rises from above and eventually goes completely vertical and warriors fight on it while it is completely vertical. If you go to Vegas, you simply must see this for yourself. My only complaint is that it only has a few funny parts. Most other Cirque du Soleil shows are much funnier. But with this show, my brain kept telling me that it wasn`t possible. It had to be a movie. And so I kept thinking I was watching it in 3d. Well worth my left kidney that I had to sell in order to afford the tickets.

After the show we went back to the Sports Book and found out that the Canucks won 3-2 (YAY!) and then headed back to New York New York and bought delicious frozen Daquiris and walked around. We watched the dueling pianos (along with a guitarist) doing Enter Sandman and Sweet Child Of Mine (only in Vegas) and had a great time. I actually REALLY like NYNY and it`s one of the cheaper hotels. It`s a lot of fun.

We walked back to our hotel (taking pics and video along the way) and in our casino they were passing out cards for The Gallery Nightclub. It`s usually a $30 cover, but we got complimentary passes, so we went and had a look. It`s a pretty upscale new club. A lot of celebrities go there. In fact Jesse Metcalf will be there on Saturday. (The gardener from Desperate Housewives.) You may have forgotten him, but I haven`t. Anyways we walked right in (I got ID`d, WOOHOO!!) and it was pretty dead. There was a girl climbing above us on some netting. And Ryan didn`t like the sound. I thought it sounded pretty good. We didn`t even have a drink. We went back to the room and he`s...okay he still has a pulse. That`s good.

Tomorrow is our last day in Vegas. We head out early Saturday morning. I`ve made a list of things I`d like to see. Circus Circus, Stratosphere, downtown (want to try the zipline) and the outlet centre. Then hopefully Olives at the Bellagio for dinner and Absinthe at Caesar`s Palace after that. It`s supposed to be a really funny R rated show in the round featuring acrobats on a very small stage. After that we should have an hour or so to check out the Forum Shops. I`m thinking my Mother might need a new Hermes handbag when she gets back from Mexico.

If we are able to do all that then we pretty much did everything I wanted to do on our first trip here. It hasn`t always been easy. I can now relate to the soldiers who fought in Viet Nam. (Yes, it probably is too soon). It`s just hard for me to sleep in this town when I know that somewhere, somehow there is a buffet open just waiting for me. But after a hot bath, (Ryan woke up and is now snoring in bed) I will try and sleep. And then maybe these bags under my eyes will no longer be overweight.

Las Vegas: Chasing That Neon Rainbow

I woke up at 9 am. NO ONE wakes up at 9 am in Las Vegas. I only got about 4 hours sleep, but I've never been able to sleep well on vacation. I'm a terrible sleeper at the best of times, but on vacation, if I wake up and it's light outside, well there's places to go, things to do, Martinis to drink. I'm used to running on 3, 4, 5 hours sleep. Ryan, however, is not. He's been struggling to keep up with me. I TOLD him not to wear his stilettos.

We started the day off heading to the Bellagio for a lunch buffet. In one of the books I've been reading they said that the best deal for the Bellagio Buffet is at lunch. I told Ryan that it wasn't going to be a buffet like we are used to (soup, dried up deep fried prawns, cold chow mein and ice cream). Well I wasn't kidding. There were hundreds of people dining, but it didn't feel crowded because there were so many different stations. I eyed the butternut squash soup right away and grabbed some. (Can you grab soup?) Best butternut squash soup I've ever had. There was sushi, a rotisserie chicken carving station, pastas, salads, prawns on ice (some of them were so cold they stopped moving), an omelet station, and a whole section of seafood including cod, salmon, trout and Nemo. There was even a station devoted to mashed potatoes. I repeat A WHOLE SECTION for MASHED POTATOES. There was your regular mashed potatoes, sweet potato puree, chipotle mashed potatoes and a few others. And then (drum roll please) I noticed the dessert station. When I saw the soft serve machine that had chocolate AND vanilla, I was tempted to run upstairs and grab the ice bucket. Those little teeny bowls just weren't going to do. They had chocolate chips and dried banana to put on top as well as chocolate, caramel and vanilla sauces. (My Mother would've just drank the vanilla.) I also tried the Tiramisu, cheesecake, chocolate cookie and I don't even remember what else. $20 seems like quite a bit but for what you get I don't think it is. I could just talk about food forever, but I realize now that I already have so let's move on.

After Bellagio we walked through City Center (at $9 Billion it's the largest private US project in US history) and went shopping at Chrystals mall. Okay, we window shopped. A vase I liked was $22,000. I told the lady I would but it just wouldn't fit in my suitcase.

We took a quick walk through Monte Carlo (you really can't take a quick walk through anywhere), and headed to New York New York to go on the roller coaster. Of course Ryan wanted to sit in the front. $14 to ride the coaster is a little steep, and so is that first drop. I thought I was going to lose my teeth, and I don't even have dentures. I wanted to video tape but it's a good thing I didn't. I think there was 3 g's, 2 Jesus' and a HOLY MOTHERFUCKER! Ryan always did have a way with words. At least I didn't swear. Nope. Not me. I screamed like little Orphan Annie.

Next we walked over the MGM Grand, the 2nd largest hotel in the World. We went to the CSI exhibit. A place where they give you a crime and you need to find the clues to solve it. I figured out right away that it was Professor Plum in the kitchen with a lead pipe. That seemed to anger the hostess. I can't help it if I'm brilliant. Anyways it's $30 each and not really worth the money.

Next we headed back to our hotel for a rest. Our hotel is next to MGM Grand, but still 1/3 of a mile away. We had so many people try to hand us papers for a deal on an escort, finally I said that I would NEVER buy another Ford! It felt really cool to run into (okay you caught me, I'm 43,) WALK into a beer and wine store, and the moment I came out I opened a Kahlua Mudslide bottle and drank it as I walked back to the hotel. Hey, there are no rules here. Well, except you can't count cards.

After changing into some nicer clothes (still from Winners however), we took a cab to Treasure Island and had dinner at Isla. Most books I've been reading say that it's the best Mexican food on the strip if not all of Vegas. It really was amazing. I had some delicious tortilla soup and they gave us a ton of complimentary homemade tortilla chips and 3 different delicious dips. I ordered Pork Carnitas which was one of the best meals I've ever had. Beats my Mother's pork chops with ketchup any day of the week. Ryan said he wanted to stay here next time just so we could eat there every night.

After dinner we had just enough time for me to lose $20 on the slots before Mystere started. It's the very first Cirque Du Soleil show in Vegas and it's what started the whole craze and transformed Vegas into something even better. A lot better. There were some amazing stunts but what I appreciated most was the comedy. It's a very funny show.

After the show I rushed to Gilleys Saloon, a kind of country western place that reminded me of Roosters in Pitt Meadows. They had karaoke until Midnight and it was quite busy so I didn't think I would get up. Once I slipped the little lady a $100 (okay it was only %5, who do I look like Al Pacino? Don't answer that!) she told me I would get up for sure. I kind of wish she hadn't. It really ended up being my worst nightmare. A really bad version and the words disappearing. Do they have capital punishment in America? Because I just murdered a Billy Joel song. And he usually does quite well at that on his own, he doesn't need my help. People stopped and stared, the mechanical bull plugged its ears and even Celine at the end of the bar was shaking her head as she shouted 'Rene! Go and get the Limo!!' Afterwards I went over to a slot machine and won $50 so either God was feeling sorry for me or I just randomly happened to click a button and three of the same symbols happened to line up perfectly. Discuss amongst yourselves.

After that we cabbed it back to Planet Hollywood where I dropped Ryan off and went to the casino for a couple hours. I actually won another $20!! (Is it considered winning if you lose $40 before winning the $20?) And now I'm back in the hotel room typing this while sitting on the edge of the bathtub. I tend to be a noisy typer and Ryan badly needs some sleep. We want to see Sigfried and Roy tomorrow? What? Really? When did they quit? Dragged by a tiger? Okay, nevermind. We'll try to get tickets for Sammy Davis Jr.

I have so many blisters on my feet it's not funny. If I had a dollar for every blister I have I'd have, umm, lost it all in a casino anyways, so no big deal. Sorry if there are any typos. My grade 8 English teacher is shaking her head in Hell right now because I'm too tired and drunk to proof read my work. And I tend to ramble and also use too many commas, and, have, run, on, sentences. Nobody's perfect. But in Vegas, with a drink in your hand, it just doesn't matter. Night night.

Las Vegas: The Land Of Milk And Money

I was going to call this edition of my Las Vegas blog 'I Sat On My Ass Forever And Then Walked For Miles', but that was a bit too long to fit. Upon arriving at the airport in Kelowna we learned that the plane was delayed about an hour and a half. I guess I should've checked online before we left and I would've been in less of a panic to get there, but I can't keep up with all this technology. We sat at the airport for probably about 3 hours.

As I mentioned in my last entry it was Ryan's first time on a plane. I gave him the window seat and he actually did pretty well. It was a bumpy flight at times but he was pretty calm. As we started to descend on Vegas the pilot warned us of turbulence and I guess a lot of flights had been cancelled that day and there was a huge wind storm in Vegas earlier. As we got closer to the ground the plane started shaking and going from side to side. Ryan was more focused on looking for the strip. Then when we probably less than 50 feet from the ground we started tipping over with the wing on our side almost hitting the ground. He straightened out a little bit but I really thought we weren't going to make it and suddenly Ryan shouted out 'Look!! I see the pyramid!!' He was oblivious to what was going on. It was the hardest landing I've ever experienced and everyone around us said the same thing. Once we had landed a few people laughed at Ryan's comment. I guess he expected it to be rough. Anytime they show planes in tv and movies they always seem to crash. I guess we ended up being lucky.

We really wanted to go see Le Reve at the Wynn Hotel, but being so delayed made that unlikely. We landed some time after 8:00 and the show was at 9:30. The cab driver took us the long way (and I knew to tell him not to go through the tunnel), so the $8 cab ride turned into $30. At least I saw a bit of Vegas but I did not tip him and he made us even later. We checked in very quickly, dumped our stuff at our room and raced back down to a taxi and head the 2 miles or so north to the Wynn. We made it with about 12 minutes to spare, found the theatre and were in a very slow moving line when a woman asked us if we wanted free tickets. They weren't together, but since we weren't sure if we would get in at all we gladly took them, and saved ourselves $260. At that point I could finally relax, although I'm pretty sure we were the only 2 sober people in Vegas. Everybody else was pretty much falling down drunk, like I mean @bcdarr drunk. (Otherwise known as 'put that on my tab as I slip out the back door' drunk.) Anyways, Le Reve was a very cool water show. Ryan wanted to see it because they taped a couple shows of American Idol there. The stage was amazing and the show was really good. I expect the next 2 shows (both Cirque Du Soleil) will be better though.

By the time the show was over my back was killing me. We had been sitting for so long that I needed to walk. And so we walked. Boy did we ever. We walked through the Wynn and Wynn Encore hotels which are amazing, and then through the Palazzo and Venetien though almost everything was closed. We were looking for something decent to eat but couldn't find that for a decent price. We headed across the walkway to the Mirage. We had burgers at BLT Burgers and each ordered $12 alcoholic milkshakes. They both had so much whipping cream on the top that I couldn't believe it. There goes my diet.

After that we walked through Caesar's Palace and saw a huge lineup at Pure where Estelle was performing (no Dad, not Estelle Getty). From there we walked to the Bellagio. I've never seen so many beautiful hotels and all the casinos became kind of a blur. We didn't gamble but I will try a bit tomorrow. From there we went across to The Cosmopolitan. It's a great new hotel with a lot of nice restaurants. Hopefully we well get to try a few of them. It was also the smokiest casino. I'm not used to people smoking in public places. It's very strange and I don't really like it. Then we went across the walkway to our hotel, Planet Hollywood. We got lost in the casino where there were half naked girls in cages. Why wouldn't there be?

I'm very impressed with what I've seen so far but it really is incredibly overwhelming. I think tomorrow we'll head down to MGM Grand and New York New York. The strip is 4 miles long though. I really should have brought my roller blades. I think they would look pretty stylish with my unitard.

Las Vegas: A Journey To End All Journeys

I don't know what it is about Las Vegas, but I have been drawn to that city like a moth to a flame, or an old lady to Bingo. What's even more perplexing is the fact that it's taken me 43 years to give in to these temptations and finally take a trip to Sin City. The more I read about it, and believe me I've done my homework (for once), the more excited I get.

I'm a night owl, so it's not fun living in a small Okanagan town that shuts down around 7pm, and I'm not exaggerating. The thought of a bustling city leaving all the lights on all night and actually having choices for food, drink and hookers? Well that's just too good to pass up.

I found out today that Bugsy Siegel has been killed, (thank you Twitter for keeping me up to date on World events) and I almost decided not to go. But then I thought it would be better if I honored him by placing a rose by the bullet-hole at the Flamingo.

We were very excited to get tickets for Celine Dion, and then very disappointed when the bitch (that's what we call her now that she cancelled) came down with a stupid virus. These things NEVER happen to Britney Spears. It's called lip-synching. Sheesh! Then just yesterday we found out our tickets to The Amazing Jonathan were also cancelled. (Don't ask, Ryan didn't want to spend a lot of money and they were cheap!) So then I said 'Screw it!' (Okay, there might have actually been an F-bomb in there but this is a family show). So I opened up the wallet and booked 2 Cirque Du Soleil (Which for those of you who aren't fluent en Francais like myself means 'Oil Of The Circus') shows: Ka (short for 'Okay') and Mystere (Mister, obviously). I always say go big or go home. But enough about my diet. I've heard that in Mystere the clowns bring a lot of guests onto the stage, and I got tickets for the centre, 2nd row on the aisle. This could be REALLY embarrassing, I hope I don't forget to zip up my fly. Now that would be a really big problem. HUGE!! (Was that too subtle?)

Apart from those 2 Cirque Du Soleil shows, we've also got tickets to Absinthe on our final night. I've heard that is supposed to be awesome. We also will try to get tickets for Le Reve on the night we get there. That is supposed to be good as well. Not cheap though. I may have to get a second job stealing cars when I get back home.

It's mind-boggling to me just reading how much money has been spent on these mega gy-normous hotels. Apparently the new City Center complex cost something like $9 Billion. To put that into perspective, that's like every square on a roll of toilet paper being like a $10,000 bill. And that's SINGLE PLY. Not double. Okay, I really suck at analogies. Sorry.

As I mentioned, I have been studying up. I know the most ridiculous trivia about Vegas. I know that Rok Vegas in New York New York is closing in April (keep this on the down-low) to make way for a live music venue, also that there is a race between 2companies to build giant ferris wheels on either end of the strip. They will both be 500 feet tall and one will cost $200 million (or 40 squares of toilet paper) and the other $500 million (more money than Donald Trump makes in a week!!) It also goes without saying that I have memorized every happy hour in all of Vegas. My Mother taught me well. I know where to get the $3 Margaritas (I'm not telling, you'll just get in the way), and which sports bar I can get the all-you-can-drink for $20 deal.
I will be blogging, tweeting, Facebook Status Updating, sexting (okay, probably not sexting, just making sure you are still paying attention), and posting pics of our trip daily. Not sure when I will find the time to blog, but I will at some point. I hope to post pics of Ryan on the plane too. He's never been on a plane and I told him that for a plane to turn, all the passenger have to lean, like when you are on a Skidoo. I also told him that if an engine catches on fire the wing is designed to fall off. Hey, I never claimed I was nice. Anyways, it should be an interesting flight. I'll make sure he wears his life vest!

Now it's time for me to rest up. There will be a lot of drinking and laughing, and gambling and losing money and crying ahead. And it probably won't be pretty. They say 'What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas'. Well not anymore, because if I should happen to see Celine Dion put her finger down her infected throat, or Lindsay Lohan sticking a needle in her skinny arm, I PROMISE you, that shit ain't gonna stay in Vegas!

Oscargo - My 2012 Academy Award Picks

Time again for another Academy Awards show, and since it often moves at a snail's pace, I like to refer to it as 'Oscargo'. My annual Oscar picks blog will be about 60% leaner today as I have gotten 60% lazier in the past year and these blogs cut into my cheezie eating time. (I HATE it when I get orange powder between the keys.)

I'm expecting a pretty entertaining show since Billy Crystal is hosting (a significant upgrade over Eddie Murphy who was original going to host). I just hope that Billy doesn`t break a hip when he does his song-and-dance routine. He`s not getting any younger.

I`ve seen quite a few of the movies this year, which already gives me an advantage over most of the Academy members. The only movie of the best pic nominees I haven`t seen is Hugo. Why they are releasing it on DVD 2 days AFTER the big show is beyond me. Those fuckers!! Oops, I mean fuck%rs.

Okay, here goes:

Best pic: I would love to see Moneyball win. That is right up there with the greatest baseball movies of all time. But I`m going with The Artist. Not a movie I would want to sit through again, but I appreciate the risk they took and you know the Academy will like this homage to the old silent films.

Actor: I`d say it`s a toss up. I`ll go with Jean Dujardin for The Artist, but many are saying it was George Clooney`s finest performance in The Descendants and I wouldn`t be surprised if we saw an upset.

Actress: Viola Davis is the favorite for her great performance in The Help and as much as I`d like to see her win my ample gut is telling me that Meryl Streep will win her first Oscar since 1983. Hard to believe I know. I`d also be very excited to see Michelle Williams win for her great performance in My Week With Marilyn, but that would be a big upset.

Director: Gotta go with Michel Hazanavicius for The Artist, with Woody Allen for Midnight In Paris ready to pull an upset. If Terrence Malick wins for The Tree Of Life I`m going to change the channel.

Supp Actor: My inside sources (who`m I kidding, it`s IMDB) tell me that Christopher Plummer is a virtual lock to win. Gotta go with that but Kenneth Branagh could pull a big upset.

Supp Actress: This is the easiest one to pick. Octavia Spencer for The Help.

Docu Feature: I`ll go with Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory. Like most Academy member, I haven`t seen any of these movies either.

Docu short: I`ll pick The Tsunami & The Cherry Blossom because it has the best name.

Foreign Language: A Separation from Iran.

Animated Feature: Surprisingly no Rio or Cars 2. I would be shocked if Rango didn`t win for it`s brilliant homage to Clint Eastwood and the old westerns.

Cinematography: The Tree Of Life was brilliant visually, it just was ridiculously dull and made no sense. Hopefully this is the only Oscar it wins.

Makeup: Harry Potter & Deathly Hallows 2

Art Direction: The Artist

Orig Screenplay: I`d be surprised if it wasn`t Woody Allen for Midnight In Paris

Adapt Screenplay: Tough category but I`ll pick Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin for the great Moneyball. It deserves at least one award.

Anim Short: Eeny meeny...I`ll go with Wild Life

Live Action Short: The Shore

Visual Effects: With a $200 million budget, I`d say Transformers:Dark Of The Moon should be able to buy this award.

Costume Design: I`ll go with Anonymous for no particular reason.

Film Editing: The Artist

Sound Mix: Transformers

Sound Edit: Transformers

Original Score: Because it was a silent film, the score was such an integral part of what made The Artist work. That`s why it gets my pick.

Original Song: Disappointing that there are only 2 nominees, mainly because often one of the most exciting things about the Oscars is the music. Oh well, let`s go with Man Or Muppet even thought I haven`t heard either.

There you have it. Enjoy the show. Time for me to go make some popcorn and smother it with Heart-clogging butter.