Las Vegas: Did I Mention The Buffets?

It's been one week since I've returned from Vegas. Seven days. It's taken me that long to gather up enough energy to be able to write one final Las Vegas blog. That's what Vegas does to you. It drains the life from you. I thought I was ready, but clearly I was wrong. Next time maybe I should sleep for a full twenty-four hours before hopping on that plane.

I've heard people who don't like Vegas say that it's overwhelming, it's tacky, too busy, too expensive, over the top and ridiculous. I've heard people that love it say that it's fun, it's a party, great food, great shows. The truth is that Vegas is all of these things. Do I REALLY feel like I've been to Paris or New York? No. The hotels are simply artistic interpretations of these places, and for me they were pure, ridiculously over the top fun.

It's unfortunate that we were almost two hours late arriving in Vegas and yet our flight home landed early. Why does that always happen? In the end I probably averaged about four hours sleep a night for the four nights we were there. (For those of you keeping score at home, that's a total of sixteen hours of sleep.) I've never been a good sleeper, but just knowing that there were restaurants and ice cream shops open all night made sleep all but impossible. I actually fell asleep every night, err morning, in the bathtub. (Is that a modern day waterbed perhaps?) Luckily I remembered to wear little floaties on my arms to keep from drowning. My feet also floated on top of the water, due to a series of giant blisters. I should have really gotten a picture of that. Come to think of it, I'm glad I didn't. Ryan needs more sleep than I do so while he slept I would write my blog and on a few occasions I went back down to the casino to see how much more money I could lose on those mind-numbing machines.

I'm not a gambler. I've never claimed to be. I just recently found out that Roulette isn't a female hockey sport where they have no hooks on their sticks. I understand the basics of poker and blackjack, but I don't know anything about chips and gambling etiquette and I don't want to appear stupid. (I also saw Rainman where Dustin Hoffman got into trouble for counting cards. I'm not nearly intelligent enough to be able to count cards but I often have that stunned look on my face that Rainman often had and I tend to repeat things ad naseum. There's probably a pretty good chance I would've been thrown out of the city.) So there I was at the slot machines putting in twenty after twenty. You kind of go into a trance after a while. Kind of like women when they are shopping. At Treasure Island I was up fifty bucks when I cashed out. That was a big moment for me, because every other time, without exception, I lost. With my bad luck there's not much chance I would ever become addicted to this.

They've made a very clear and conscious effort in the last decade to make Vegas less child-friendly. The newer hotels such as City Center and the Wynn hotels are not appealing at all to kids. I think this is a good thing. Vegas is not really a good place for kids. Take them to Disneyland instead. I found it very strange walking into the smoke pit that is Circus Circus and seeing a mezzanine above the casino filled with games and cotton candy and everything little kids would love, set around a circus. Smoking and kids? I just don't understand how they can get away with this. This is something that will have to change. It's really my only gripe about Vegas. (Besides our first cab driver that took us through the tunnel and turned a ten dollar fare into a thirty dollar fare, but I only gave him a 10 cent tip so IN YOUR FACE BITCH!!) Even the brand new Cosmopolitan (some amazing restaurants in this hotel set around a tacky three-story chandelier) reeks of smoke. My teeth are a little more yellow and my lungs a little blacker just from having lunch in the buffet. (Which was soo amazing that, Hell, what's a year or two off of my life?)

We did a lot in our four days in Vegas. My brother told me that we did more there than he's ever done and he's been there countless times. I dragged poor Ryan around that place at break-neck speed. But he didn't complain. I think that he was just as entranced as I was. Even still there are a lot of things that we didn't get to do. (Such as lose a tooth, meet Mike Tyson, find a baby, steal a tiger, marry a whore. Hey, that could be a movie!) We still want to see Celine Dion (if the bitch ever gets her voice back), Penn & Teller and O among others. (And no, not Donny & Marie, I'm not THAT gay.) Places that I liked enough to stay at: Paris, Planet Hollywood (again), New York New York, Treasure Island, The Mirage, Caesar's Palace and Mandalay Bay. Places I would stay if I won the lottery (or somebody just gave me a whole stash of money to pay for my kidney transplant): The Venetian, The Hotel at Mandalay Bay, Wynn and Wynn Encore. Places I would only stay at if I had an oxygen mask and a hat and sunglasses because I would be embarrassed to be recognized there: Excalibur, Circus Circus, The Flamingo, Bill's Gamblin' Hall.

For the one or two of you that actually read my other Vegas blogs, I feel that I should clarify something. I wrote a lot about the food, particularly the buffets. I probably painted a picture of heaping mounds of mashed potatoes, piles of lasagna, and plate after plate of pizza. This is simply not accurate. In reality, while I did have two plates of food at every buffet, and then another for desserts (yes desserts, plural. In my World desserts has always had three S's) I only had a tablespoon or two of a few things just to try them. The only time I took more than that was when they were in individual dishes (like the amazing French toast at the Spice Market Buffet at Planet Hollywood.) I was worried about feeling sick and sluggish when we had miles and miles still to walk. Actually, worrying about gaining weight never even crossed my mind.

I took over four hundred pictures in four days. (That's a hundred pictures a day, come on, did you really need a calculator for that?) I posted a half dozen or so to my Twitter account (@coreyoke1) and over two hundred on Facebook. Ryan made about eighty-five videos which I will quite possibly post if I can ever figure out how to do that. I think it's safe to say that Vegas became an obsession for us. I already miss it. Okay, I miss the buffets.

There is talk of a group of friends going to Vegas in May. Now that would be fun. The swimming pools would be open. One word of caution: I'd probably wear my lime green Borat speedo. Uh oh. Now I probably won't be invited. Vegas was fun with just the two of us, but with a large group it would be a blast. (Dining-and-dashing with two people is kind of boring). We will see. I'll certainly have to try to save up some money first. While I may have left my heart in San Francisco, I definitely left my wallet in Las Vegas.