Las Vegas: Did I Mention The Buffets?

It's been one week since I've returned from Vegas. Seven days. It's taken me that long to gather up enough energy to be able to write one final Las Vegas blog. That's what Vegas does to you. It drains the life from you. I thought I was ready, but clearly I was wrong. Next time maybe I should sleep for a full twenty-four hours before hopping on that plane.

I've heard people who don't like Vegas say that it's overwhelming, it's tacky, too busy, too expensive, over the top and ridiculous. I've heard people that love it say that it's fun, it's a party, great food, great shows. The truth is that Vegas is all of these things. Do I REALLY feel like I've been to Paris or New York? No. The hotels are simply artistic interpretations of these places, and for me they were pure, ridiculously over the top fun.

It's unfortunate that we were almost two hours late arriving in Vegas and yet our flight home landed early. Why does that always happen? In the end I probably averaged about four hours sleep a night for the four nights we were there. (For those of you keeping score at home, that's a total of sixteen hours of sleep.) I've never been a good sleeper, but just knowing that there were restaurants and ice cream shops open all night made sleep all but impossible. I actually fell asleep every night, err morning, in the bathtub. (Is that a modern day waterbed perhaps?) Luckily I remembered to wear little floaties on my arms to keep from drowning. My feet also floated on top of the water, due to a series of giant blisters. I should have really gotten a picture of that. Come to think of it, I'm glad I didn't. Ryan needs more sleep than I do so while he slept I would write my blog and on a few occasions I went back down to the casino to see how much more money I could lose on those mind-numbing machines.

I'm not a gambler. I've never claimed to be. I just recently found out that Roulette isn't a female hockey sport where they have no hooks on their sticks. I understand the basics of poker and blackjack, but I don't know anything about chips and gambling etiquette and I don't want to appear stupid. (I also saw Rainman where Dustin Hoffman got into trouble for counting cards. I'm not nearly intelligent enough to be able to count cards but I often have that stunned look on my face that Rainman often had and I tend to repeat things ad naseum. There's probably a pretty good chance I would've been thrown out of the city.) So there I was at the slot machines putting in twenty after twenty. You kind of go into a trance after a while. Kind of like women when they are shopping. At Treasure Island I was up fifty bucks when I cashed out. That was a big moment for me, because every other time, without exception, I lost. With my bad luck there's not much chance I would ever become addicted to this.

They've made a very clear and conscious effort in the last decade to make Vegas less child-friendly. The newer hotels such as City Center and the Wynn hotels are not appealing at all to kids. I think this is a good thing. Vegas is not really a good place for kids. Take them to Disneyland instead. I found it very strange walking into the smoke pit that is Circus Circus and seeing a mezzanine above the casino filled with games and cotton candy and everything little kids would love, set around a circus. Smoking and kids? I just don't understand how they can get away with this. This is something that will have to change. It's really my only gripe about Vegas. (Besides our first cab driver that took us through the tunnel and turned a ten dollar fare into a thirty dollar fare, but I only gave him a 10 cent tip so IN YOUR FACE BITCH!!) Even the brand new Cosmopolitan (some amazing restaurants in this hotel set around a tacky three-story chandelier) reeks of smoke. My teeth are a little more yellow and my lungs a little blacker just from having lunch in the buffet. (Which was soo amazing that, Hell, what's a year or two off of my life?)

We did a lot in our four days in Vegas. My brother told me that we did more there than he's ever done and he's been there countless times. I dragged poor Ryan around that place at break-neck speed. But he didn't complain. I think that he was just as entranced as I was. Even still there are a lot of things that we didn't get to do. (Such as lose a tooth, meet Mike Tyson, find a baby, steal a tiger, marry a whore. Hey, that could be a movie!) We still want to see Celine Dion (if the bitch ever gets her voice back), Penn & Teller and O among others. (And no, not Donny & Marie, I'm not THAT gay.) Places that I liked enough to stay at: Paris, Planet Hollywood (again), New York New York, Treasure Island, The Mirage, Caesar's Palace and Mandalay Bay. Places I would stay if I won the lottery (or somebody just gave me a whole stash of money to pay for my kidney transplant): The Venetian, The Hotel at Mandalay Bay, Wynn and Wynn Encore. Places I would only stay at if I had an oxygen mask and a hat and sunglasses because I would be embarrassed to be recognized there: Excalibur, Circus Circus, The Flamingo, Bill's Gamblin' Hall.

For the one or two of you that actually read my other Vegas blogs, I feel that I should clarify something. I wrote a lot about the food, particularly the buffets. I probably painted a picture of heaping mounds of mashed potatoes, piles of lasagna, and plate after plate of pizza. This is simply not accurate. In reality, while I did have two plates of food at every buffet, and then another for desserts (yes desserts, plural. In my World desserts has always had three S's) I only had a tablespoon or two of a few things just to try them. The only time I took more than that was when they were in individual dishes (like the amazing French toast at the Spice Market Buffet at Planet Hollywood.) I was worried about feeling sick and sluggish when we had miles and miles still to walk. Actually, worrying about gaining weight never even crossed my mind.

I took over four hundred pictures in four days. (That's a hundred pictures a day, come on, did you really need a calculator for that?) I posted a half dozen or so to my Twitter account (@coreyoke1) and over two hundred on Facebook. Ryan made about eighty-five videos which I will quite possibly post if I can ever figure out how to do that. I think it's safe to say that Vegas became an obsession for us. I already miss it. Okay, I miss the buffets.

There is talk of a group of friends going to Vegas in May. Now that would be fun. The swimming pools would be open. One word of caution: I'd probably wear my lime green Borat speedo. Uh oh. Now I probably won't be invited. Vegas was fun with just the two of us, but with a large group it would be a blast. (Dining-and-dashing with two people is kind of boring). We will see. I'll certainly have to try to save up some money first. While I may have left my heart in San Francisco, I definitely left my wallet in Las Vegas.

Las Vegas: The Track Meet Comes To A Close

We did a lot on our final day in Las Vegas. I actually got a decent sleep, probably 6 hours. I needed it. I'll need a lot more when I get home. We headed over to the Cosmopolitan across the street to have what everyone says is the best buffet in Vegas, The Wicked Spoon. The critics are right. It is amazing. I had some lobster pasta, some butternut squash ravioli, some delicious gnocci. Everything I tried was really good. And then I found the dessert section. I had to take pics. To show all the desserts I probably took 8 pics. I'm sure I looked like a tacky tourist, but the truth is that I pretty much am. No need to try to fool people. I will spare you the details of every single dessert that they have (only because I'm really tired and we have to be at the airport by 8:45 am), but I will post a lot of pics. All of them on Facebook and a few on Twitter.

After our lunch ($22 each is pretty steep for lunch but I had $22 worth of desserts) we walked to the Bellagio and hopped in a cab and headed to Circus Circus. The cab driver (all of them have been really nice and we've had some pretty good conversations) laughed the whole way there about us leaving The Bellagio for a dump like Circus Circus. I told him The Bellagio doesn't meet our standards. We needed an upgrade. The truth was I just wanted to see on of the more historic Las Vegas hotels before they blow it up to build something else and I wanted to go on the roller coaster. The Canyon Blaster was a lot smoother than the New York New York coaster and half the price but we both felt sick afterwards. You go upside down four times in about 30 seconds. I'm surprised I didn't throw up. Once that was over we walked to the dumpy and smokey casino to see the trapeze acts but they were on a break so we got the hell out of there, hopped in a cab and headed to the Stratosphere.

The Stratosphere is very similar to the Egyptian pyramids, only instead of Egyptians lugging stones up one at a time by ropes, they used big cranes and lots of concrete to build the Stratosphere. Okay, so it's actually nothing like the Pyramids. It is one of the highest free standing structures in the US, if not the highest. Can't remember. Google it. From the top you walk around this pretty crappy glass enclosed (and dirty glass, try taking a pic through that) area. I wasn't very impressed. I'm so glad you could go upstairs and outside. It's amazing out there. There was no wind and it was about 21C. It really was beautiful. There are 3 rides at the top. All 3 of them you have to be crazy to ride. Oh and you can also bungy jump off of it as well. I think I would rather hammer a nail through my nutsack.

Once we headed back down the elevator we jumped in a cab once again and headed to Freemont Street downtown. Incidentally there are more cabs in Las Vegas per capita than anywhere else in the US. See, keep reading this blog and you will eventually learn something. Maybe I should teach a course. Oops. It's not like me to digress. Anyways, Freemont Street was pretty cool. We walked through the historic Golden Nugget and saw the pool with a big huge aquarium with sharks that had a giant waterslide go right through it. Pretty cool. On our way through the casino rap star Coolio almost knocked Ryan over. That was his brush with fame on this trip.

Freemont Street is a very cool experience. I wish that we had been there at night, but we'll try to do that next time. We bought frozen mudslides and walked through some shops. Eventually we got to the zip line and waited the 45 minutes to go on. I've never tried it before and I was really afraid I would scream like a little girl and make a fool of myself. It was actually really fun and I didn't scream, but at the end you go in really fast and then it stops very quickly. That was a little scary. It was a lot of fun though.

Once again we jumped in a cab and headed back to our hotel to get ready for dinner. It was Friday night on the weekend of the Nascar race so it was getting busy. The roads were jammed and the police had one whole area blocked off. The cab driver figured there was a shooting. He had trouble getting through so he was taking short cuts and he was flying. I think he may have been Spanish, he talked like Rafa Nadal and I had trouble understanding him. Stuck in traffic he would wait for his opening and the say 'and, and, and, it's CHO TIME!' and then he would gun it and change lanes at about 3 G's and I was almost ready to put my head between my legs.(As a safety precaution people, I'm not that flexible). Eventually we got back to the hotel and I was feeling sick.

Earlier in the day I had made reservations for Jaleo in the Cosmopolitan, the 7th best rated restaurant in Vegas according to my trusty Unofficial Guide to Las Vegas book. It was the only restaurant in the top 20 that was moderately priced. Why was it moderate? Because they were small dishes,tapas, that you share. I'm a soup lover so I ordered the Ajo Blanco Con Cangrejo. (Chilled almond and garlic soup with crabmeat and green grapes). The waiter was impressed and said it was the best thing on the menu. I told him that I was a writer for Food Magazine and I'm a regular judge on Iron Chef. Not sure if he bought it. Anyways, the soup was very good. Ryan ordered the Sopa de Ajo (cold garlic soup with black garlic and egg) and didn't like the fact that the egg was raw. He's not really an egg person so he had a bit of trouble with that and I think it kind of put him off for the rest of the meal. We also ordered a La Serena Con Membrillo each (La Serena cheeses and a quince paste) and they were delicious. Cheesey with a bit of wine and quite sweet all in a little ice cream cone type thing. We also ordered chicken fritters that came in a shoe. Not kidding. Maybe it's a Spanish thing. They were good. We also ordered Patatas Bravas which were like potato chips with a spicy tomato sauce and alioli. They were delicious. I also ordered a cajun style dish of Prawns that reminded me of the French Quarters of New Orleans. We also had some delicious Spanish wine and a great dessert. Don't worry, I took pics of everything. It didn't seem like I ordered that much but our bill came to $123. Some much for moderate prices.

After the show we had to walk to Caesars Palace. Since the Bellagio is on the way we got to see the Fountain Show from street level for the first time. We have a fountain view so we've seen them from our room a few times but it's a lot better from the ground and when you can hear the music. We continued on to Caesars and went to Absinthe in a tent just outside of the hotel. It's a very funny acrobatic show that is 18+. After 3 days of Cirque du Soleil shows it was a nice change of pace. The master of ceremonies and his ditzy blond assistant insulted just about everyone and every race. He used pretty much every bad word I could possibly think of, and many times. It's a hilarious show with some incredible acrobatics, all in a very tight space. The stage is only about 10 feet across. The show is in the round. If you are not easily offended and have a good sense of humor I think this show is a must see while in Vegas. I was also allowed to take pics (with no flash) and I took a lot. I will post them when I get home. (Well, after a LONG nap.)

After the show we headed to the Forum Shops at Caesars. Very cool to see and ridiculously over the top. We got a few good pics in there. Then we went through the Flamingo which was very smokey and gross but it was cool to see. There is a lot of history there. We also quickly walked through Bill's Gamblin' Saloon (also smokey and gross) and went into Ballys which went through to Paris. More frozen drinks. Very good. Then we headed back to Planet Hollywood where I quickly lost $50 playing video poker. I guess I just haven't quite grasped this gambling thing. Probably a good thing we are going home soon.

It's very strange to see people smoking inside. A lot of the older hotels absolutely reek of cigarettes. I grew up with a smoker so I'm used to that smell. (Also the smell of Vodka and vomit but that's a different story). Even still, I was bothered by it. I just can't believe Nevada hasn't made smoking indoors in public places illegal. It will be interesting to see how that plays out but you'd think it would be inevitable.

It's been a great trip. We've seen a lot, but it's impossible to see everything in one trip. It would be nice to be able to come back soon. I've been offered Celine tickets for 15% off and a Caesar's room for 25% off so hopefully we can get back there before the end of Summer. But don't bet on it. (See what I did there?)

Guess I should try to get a few hours sleep. Hopefully the flight home is a little less interesting. The flight to Vegas was a thrill ride all its own. I will write a final Vegas blog in a day or two with some more fun facts and trivia (who knows, some of it may even be true) and I'll post the 700 or so pics that I took. (685 of them are of food.) I even have quite a bit of video and if I can figure out how to do it I'll probably post some. In the words of Donny & Marie, who thankfully we didn't see, G'night everybody.

Las Vegas: Ka Sera Sera

After yet another hectic day, it's nice to be typing this while sitting in a comfy chair at a desk in the hotel room instead of in the bathroom. Ryan is asleep in the soaker tub. At least I think he's asleep. I never thought I'd need to bring a life jacket to Vegas, but I will next time. Or maybe one of those pink flamingo floaty things. That would probably garner a bit of attention going through airport security.

I was able to get about 5 hours sleep, which wasn't nearly enough. I felt like I got run over by a cement truck, and looked like I got run over by the ugly truck. Yep, I'm tired. I think I've probably gained about 10 lbs. And that's just from the bags under my eyes.

I thought we'd check out the Spice Market Buffet in our hotel. (Notice the one word you will NEVER hear me say in my blog? (Well, besides vagina.) Breakfast. It's just not going to happen. Unless I have it BEFORE going to bed. I thought it was a pretty good buffet. I'm getting good at not eating too much. Gotta save room for the desserts. And the desserts here were pretty impressive. I had a made to order banana crepe with chocolate sauce and whipped cream on the top. Now we're talking!

After lunch we headed next door to Paris to go up the Eiffel Tower. We had a 2-for-1 coupon (I'm not really a coupon guy, but it was pretty expensive so what the hell) and after about a half hour wait up we went. It was a beautiful view and I got some great pics. Ryan brought the camcorder and has videotaped a lot throughout the day. Unfortunately most of the video will be filled with my moronic comments and me breaking into song (Viva Las Vegas, Hey Baby Let's Go To Vegas etc...) or me acting as tour guide. I don't think he was to impressed.

When we came down we jumped into a cab (I'll never try that again, I hit my head) and headed to The Mirage to see the Lions, Tigers and Dolphins (Oh my!). That was pretty cool and we got some great pics and video. It was a nice change of pace. That's the thing about Vegas. You can go all out and drink and gamble like most people do. Or you can relax. For $12.99 you can get a pot of Earl Grey Tea on the 23rd floor of the Mandarin Oriental and then go to the spa and get a massage and a hand job for $89. (A blow job is an extra $50.) You can go cheap, or you can spend a fortune. Or somewhere in between. I've gotten a little carried away. I may need to host a telethon when I get back. RING THOSE PHONES!!

After the Dolphins we took the free tram (Free is a rare and pretty cool word in Vegas) to TI, or as you unhip people would call it Treasure Island and then walked across the tram to the Wynn Encore. Ryan wanted to pick up a program from Le Reve. I have to say the Wynn hotels are the most visually spectacular. It makes me think of John Hammond from Jurassic Park, 'We spared no expense.' Unfortunately there are no dinosaurs, unless you count 99.9% of the guests staying there.

We took a brief stroll through the Fashion Show Mall which is roughly the size of Metrotown, the biggest mall in BC. Then we headed back to TI to see the pirate show, which was a bit better than I expected. Hey, it was free, and remember what I said about free in Vegas.

We then headed back to our hotel to relax for a few minutes. I changed into some dressier clothes and we headed to Mandalay Bay. It was one of the places I wanted to stay but it was just too expensive. It's a very nice hotel. I was very impressed.

Next was the Luxor which was actually very cool. If my Mother was there she would be able to tell me if it was accurate. She went to high school with King Tut. We didn't spend too much time here, but it was a pretty neat place.

Finally we found some moving sidewalks (what a concept) as we headed to The Excalibur. I did not like this hotel at all. It reeked of cigarette smoke and was just dumpy. I felt dirty. Like I do after dropping @bcdarr off in Whalley. Okay, not quite THAT dirty. But still pretty dirty.

Next we walked next door to New York New York and headed to Il Fornaio for dinner. We shared some delicious flatbread with tomatoes, basil, oregano, kalamata olives an mozarella cheese and we each had a glass of wine (no BC wine here so for the first time in over 3 years I drank imported wine) and then the main meal was Pollo something or other. It came with Yukon Gold potatoes (funny how all the upper end restaurants here are advertising yukon gold potatoes) and spinach. It was actually a little disappointing to me. Ryan makes much better chicken dishes. The bill came to $80 which is too much to pay for average food.

By now it was time to head across the street to MGM Grand to see Cirque du Soleil`s Ka. On the way I stopped at the sports book to watch a bit of the Canuck game. Every hotel has a sports book. It`s where there are a few giant screen tv`s and several dozen big screen tv`s and you can bet on just about anything from who will score the first basket in a game to the color of Ryan Kesler`s pubic hair. I`m guessing he doesn`t have any. The Canucks scored to tie the game at 2 and then it was time to head another 3 km`s to the theatre.

Our seats were 3rd row centre which I think is too close. I`d say about row 10 or 12 would be perfect. I`ve heard a lot about Ka so I went in with high expectations. Nothing could`ve prepared me for what I saw. It truly was incredible. Only a complete idiot would attempt to describe the show. So here goes. There is no stage. When you arrive it`s just a big giant hole. Then a stage rises from above and eventually goes completely vertical and warriors fight on it while it is completely vertical. If you go to Vegas, you simply must see this for yourself. My only complaint is that it only has a few funny parts. Most other Cirque du Soleil shows are much funnier. But with this show, my brain kept telling me that it wasn`t possible. It had to be a movie. And so I kept thinking I was watching it in 3d. Well worth my left kidney that I had to sell in order to afford the tickets.

After the show we went back to the Sports Book and found out that the Canucks won 3-2 (YAY!) and then headed back to New York New York and bought delicious frozen Daquiris and walked around. We watched the dueling pianos (along with a guitarist) doing Enter Sandman and Sweet Child Of Mine (only in Vegas) and had a great time. I actually REALLY like NYNY and it`s one of the cheaper hotels. It`s a lot of fun.

We walked back to our hotel (taking pics and video along the way) and in our casino they were passing out cards for The Gallery Nightclub. It`s usually a $30 cover, but we got complimentary passes, so we went and had a look. It`s a pretty upscale new club. A lot of celebrities go there. In fact Jesse Metcalf will be there on Saturday. (The gardener from Desperate Housewives.) You may have forgotten him, but I haven`t. Anyways we walked right in (I got ID`d, WOOHOO!!) and it was pretty dead. There was a girl climbing above us on some netting. And Ryan didn`t like the sound. I thought it sounded pretty good. We didn`t even have a drink. We went back to the room and he`s...okay he still has a pulse. That`s good.

Tomorrow is our last day in Vegas. We head out early Saturday morning. I`ve made a list of things I`d like to see. Circus Circus, Stratosphere, downtown (want to try the zipline) and the outlet centre. Then hopefully Olives at the Bellagio for dinner and Absinthe at Caesar`s Palace after that. It`s supposed to be a really funny R rated show in the round featuring acrobats on a very small stage. After that we should have an hour or so to check out the Forum Shops. I`m thinking my Mother might need a new Hermes handbag when she gets back from Mexico.

If we are able to do all that then we pretty much did everything I wanted to do on our first trip here. It hasn`t always been easy. I can now relate to the soldiers who fought in Viet Nam. (Yes, it probably is too soon). It`s just hard for me to sleep in this town when I know that somewhere, somehow there is a buffet open just waiting for me. But after a hot bath, (Ryan woke up and is now snoring in bed) I will try and sleep. And then maybe these bags under my eyes will no longer be overweight.

Las Vegas: Chasing That Neon Rainbow

I woke up at 9 am. NO ONE wakes up at 9 am in Las Vegas. I only got about 4 hours sleep, but I've never been able to sleep well on vacation. I'm a terrible sleeper at the best of times, but on vacation, if I wake up and it's light outside, well there's places to go, things to do, Martinis to drink. I'm used to running on 3, 4, 5 hours sleep. Ryan, however, is not. He's been struggling to keep up with me. I TOLD him not to wear his stilettos.

We started the day off heading to the Bellagio for a lunch buffet. In one of the books I've been reading they said that the best deal for the Bellagio Buffet is at lunch. I told Ryan that it wasn't going to be a buffet like we are used to (soup, dried up deep fried prawns, cold chow mein and ice cream). Well I wasn't kidding. There were hundreds of people dining, but it didn't feel crowded because there were so many different stations. I eyed the butternut squash soup right away and grabbed some. (Can you grab soup?) Best butternut squash soup I've ever had. There was sushi, a rotisserie chicken carving station, pastas, salads, prawns on ice (some of them were so cold they stopped moving), an omelet station, and a whole section of seafood including cod, salmon, trout and Nemo. There was even a station devoted to mashed potatoes. I repeat A WHOLE SECTION for MASHED POTATOES. There was your regular mashed potatoes, sweet potato puree, chipotle mashed potatoes and a few others. And then (drum roll please) I noticed the dessert station. When I saw the soft serve machine that had chocolate AND vanilla, I was tempted to run upstairs and grab the ice bucket. Those little teeny bowls just weren't going to do. They had chocolate chips and dried banana to put on top as well as chocolate, caramel and vanilla sauces. (My Mother would've just drank the vanilla.) I also tried the Tiramisu, cheesecake, chocolate cookie and I don't even remember what else. $20 seems like quite a bit but for what you get I don't think it is. I could just talk about food forever, but I realize now that I already have so let's move on.

After Bellagio we walked through City Center (at $9 Billion it's the largest private US project in US history) and went shopping at Chrystals mall. Okay, we window shopped. A vase I liked was $22,000. I told the lady I would but it just wouldn't fit in my suitcase.

We took a quick walk through Monte Carlo (you really can't take a quick walk through anywhere), and headed to New York New York to go on the roller coaster. Of course Ryan wanted to sit in the front. $14 to ride the coaster is a little steep, and so is that first drop. I thought I was going to lose my teeth, and I don't even have dentures. I wanted to video tape but it's a good thing I didn't. I think there was 3 g's, 2 Jesus' and a HOLY MOTHERFUCKER! Ryan always did have a way with words. At least I didn't swear. Nope. Not me. I screamed like little Orphan Annie.

Next we walked over the MGM Grand, the 2nd largest hotel in the World. We went to the CSI exhibit. A place where they give you a crime and you need to find the clues to solve it. I figured out right away that it was Professor Plum in the kitchen with a lead pipe. That seemed to anger the hostess. I can't help it if I'm brilliant. Anyways it's $30 each and not really worth the money.

Next we headed back to our hotel for a rest. Our hotel is next to MGM Grand, but still 1/3 of a mile away. We had so many people try to hand us papers for a deal on an escort, finally I said that I would NEVER buy another Ford! It felt really cool to run into (okay you caught me, I'm 43,) WALK into a beer and wine store, and the moment I came out I opened a Kahlua Mudslide bottle and drank it as I walked back to the hotel. Hey, there are no rules here. Well, except you can't count cards.

After changing into some nicer clothes (still from Winners however), we took a cab to Treasure Island and had dinner at Isla. Most books I've been reading say that it's the best Mexican food on the strip if not all of Vegas. It really was amazing. I had some delicious tortilla soup and they gave us a ton of complimentary homemade tortilla chips and 3 different delicious dips. I ordered Pork Carnitas which was one of the best meals I've ever had. Beats my Mother's pork chops with ketchup any day of the week. Ryan said he wanted to stay here next time just so we could eat there every night.

After dinner we had just enough time for me to lose $20 on the slots before Mystere started. It's the very first Cirque Du Soleil show in Vegas and it's what started the whole craze and transformed Vegas into something even better. A lot better. There were some amazing stunts but what I appreciated most was the comedy. It's a very funny show.

After the show I rushed to Gilleys Saloon, a kind of country western place that reminded me of Roosters in Pitt Meadows. They had karaoke until Midnight and it was quite busy so I didn't think I would get up. Once I slipped the little lady a $100 (okay it was only %5, who do I look like Al Pacino? Don't answer that!) she told me I would get up for sure. I kind of wish she hadn't. It really ended up being my worst nightmare. A really bad version and the words disappearing. Do they have capital punishment in America? Because I just murdered a Billy Joel song. And he usually does quite well at that on his own, he doesn't need my help. People stopped and stared, the mechanical bull plugged its ears and even Celine at the end of the bar was shaking her head as she shouted 'Rene! Go and get the Limo!!' Afterwards I went over to a slot machine and won $50 so either God was feeling sorry for me or I just randomly happened to click a button and three of the same symbols happened to line up perfectly. Discuss amongst yourselves.

After that we cabbed it back to Planet Hollywood where I dropped Ryan off and went to the casino for a couple hours. I actually won another $20!! (Is it considered winning if you lose $40 before winning the $20?) And now I'm back in the hotel room typing this while sitting on the edge of the bathtub. I tend to be a noisy typer and Ryan badly needs some sleep. We want to see Sigfried and Roy tomorrow? What? Really? When did they quit? Dragged by a tiger? Okay, nevermind. We'll try to get tickets for Sammy Davis Jr.

I have so many blisters on my feet it's not funny. If I had a dollar for every blister I have I'd have, umm, lost it all in a casino anyways, so no big deal. Sorry if there are any typos. My grade 8 English teacher is shaking her head in Hell right now because I'm too tired and drunk to proof read my work. And I tend to ramble and also use too many commas, and, have, run, on, sentences. Nobody's perfect. But in Vegas, with a drink in your hand, it just doesn't matter. Night night.

Las Vegas: The Land Of Milk And Money

I was going to call this edition of my Las Vegas blog 'I Sat On My Ass Forever And Then Walked For Miles', but that was a bit too long to fit. Upon arriving at the airport in Kelowna we learned that the plane was delayed about an hour and a half. I guess I should've checked online before we left and I would've been in less of a panic to get there, but I can't keep up with all this technology. We sat at the airport for probably about 3 hours.

As I mentioned in my last entry it was Ryan's first time on a plane. I gave him the window seat and he actually did pretty well. It was a bumpy flight at times but he was pretty calm. As we started to descend on Vegas the pilot warned us of turbulence and I guess a lot of flights had been cancelled that day and there was a huge wind storm in Vegas earlier. As we got closer to the ground the plane started shaking and going from side to side. Ryan was more focused on looking for the strip. Then when we probably less than 50 feet from the ground we started tipping over with the wing on our side almost hitting the ground. He straightened out a little bit but I really thought we weren't going to make it and suddenly Ryan shouted out 'Look!! I see the pyramid!!' He was oblivious to what was going on. It was the hardest landing I've ever experienced and everyone around us said the same thing. Once we had landed a few people laughed at Ryan's comment. I guess he expected it to be rough. Anytime they show planes in tv and movies they always seem to crash. I guess we ended up being lucky.

We really wanted to go see Le Reve at the Wynn Hotel, but being so delayed made that unlikely. We landed some time after 8:00 and the show was at 9:30. The cab driver took us the long way (and I knew to tell him not to go through the tunnel), so the $8 cab ride turned into $30. At least I saw a bit of Vegas but I did not tip him and he made us even later. We checked in very quickly, dumped our stuff at our room and raced back down to a taxi and head the 2 miles or so north to the Wynn. We made it with about 12 minutes to spare, found the theatre and were in a very slow moving line when a woman asked us if we wanted free tickets. They weren't together, but since we weren't sure if we would get in at all we gladly took them, and saved ourselves $260. At that point I could finally relax, although I'm pretty sure we were the only 2 sober people in Vegas. Everybody else was pretty much falling down drunk, like I mean @bcdarr drunk. (Otherwise known as 'put that on my tab as I slip out the back door' drunk.) Anyways, Le Reve was a very cool water show. Ryan wanted to see it because they taped a couple shows of American Idol there. The stage was amazing and the show was really good. I expect the next 2 shows (both Cirque Du Soleil) will be better though.

By the time the show was over my back was killing me. We had been sitting for so long that I needed to walk. And so we walked. Boy did we ever. We walked through the Wynn and Wynn Encore hotels which are amazing, and then through the Palazzo and Venetien though almost everything was closed. We were looking for something decent to eat but couldn't find that for a decent price. We headed across the walkway to the Mirage. We had burgers at BLT Burgers and each ordered $12 alcoholic milkshakes. They both had so much whipping cream on the top that I couldn't believe it. There goes my diet.

After that we walked through Caesar's Palace and saw a huge lineup at Pure where Estelle was performing (no Dad, not Estelle Getty). From there we walked to the Bellagio. I've never seen so many beautiful hotels and all the casinos became kind of a blur. We didn't gamble but I will try a bit tomorrow. From there we went across to The Cosmopolitan. It's a great new hotel with a lot of nice restaurants. Hopefully we well get to try a few of them. It was also the smokiest casino. I'm not used to people smoking in public places. It's very strange and I don't really like it. Then we went across the walkway to our hotel, Planet Hollywood. We got lost in the casino where there were half naked girls in cages. Why wouldn't there be?

I'm very impressed with what I've seen so far but it really is incredibly overwhelming. I think tomorrow we'll head down to MGM Grand and New York New York. The strip is 4 miles long though. I really should have brought my roller blades. I think they would look pretty stylish with my unitard.

Las Vegas: A Journey To End All Journeys

I don't know what it is about Las Vegas, but I have been drawn to that city like a moth to a flame, or an old lady to Bingo. What's even more perplexing is the fact that it's taken me 43 years to give in to these temptations and finally take a trip to Sin City. The more I read about it, and believe me I've done my homework (for once), the more excited I get.

I'm a night owl, so it's not fun living in a small Okanagan town that shuts down around 7pm, and I'm not exaggerating. The thought of a bustling city leaving all the lights on all night and actually having choices for food, drink and hookers? Well that's just too good to pass up.

I found out today that Bugsy Siegel has been killed, (thank you Twitter for keeping me up to date on World events) and I almost decided not to go. But then I thought it would be better if I honored him by placing a rose by the bullet-hole at the Flamingo.

We were very excited to get tickets for Celine Dion, and then very disappointed when the bitch (that's what we call her now that she cancelled) came down with a stupid virus. These things NEVER happen to Britney Spears. It's called lip-synching. Sheesh! Then just yesterday we found out our tickets to The Amazing Jonathan were also cancelled. (Don't ask, Ryan didn't want to spend a lot of money and they were cheap!) So then I said 'Screw it!' (Okay, there might have actually been an F-bomb in there but this is a family show). So I opened up the wallet and booked 2 Cirque Du Soleil (Which for those of you who aren't fluent en Francais like myself means 'Oil Of The Circus') shows: Ka (short for 'Okay') and Mystere (Mister, obviously). I always say go big or go home. But enough about my diet. I've heard that in Mystere the clowns bring a lot of guests onto the stage, and I got tickets for the centre, 2nd row on the aisle. This could be REALLY embarrassing, I hope I don't forget to zip up my fly. Now that would be a really big problem. HUGE!! (Was that too subtle?)

Apart from those 2 Cirque Du Soleil shows, we've also got tickets to Absinthe on our final night. I've heard that is supposed to be awesome. We also will try to get tickets for Le Reve on the night we get there. That is supposed to be good as well. Not cheap though. I may have to get a second job stealing cars when I get back home.

It's mind-boggling to me just reading how much money has been spent on these mega gy-normous hotels. Apparently the new City Center complex cost something like $9 Billion. To put that into perspective, that's like every square on a roll of toilet paper being like a $10,000 bill. And that's SINGLE PLY. Not double. Okay, I really suck at analogies. Sorry.

As I mentioned, I have been studying up. I know the most ridiculous trivia about Vegas. I know that Rok Vegas in New York New York is closing in April (keep this on the down-low) to make way for a live music venue, also that there is a race between 2companies to build giant ferris wheels on either end of the strip. They will both be 500 feet tall and one will cost $200 million (or 40 squares of toilet paper) and the other $500 million (more money than Donald Trump makes in a week!!) It also goes without saying that I have memorized every happy hour in all of Vegas. My Mother taught me well. I know where to get the $3 Margaritas (I'm not telling, you'll just get in the way), and which sports bar I can get the all-you-can-drink for $20 deal.
I will be blogging, tweeting, Facebook Status Updating, sexting (okay, probably not sexting, just making sure you are still paying attention), and posting pics of our trip daily. Not sure when I will find the time to blog, but I will at some point. I hope to post pics of Ryan on the plane too. He's never been on a plane and I told him that for a plane to turn, all the passenger have to lean, like when you are on a Skidoo. I also told him that if an engine catches on fire the wing is designed to fall off. Hey, I never claimed I was nice. Anyways, it should be an interesting flight. I'll make sure he wears his life vest!

Now it's time for me to rest up. There will be a lot of drinking and laughing, and gambling and losing money and crying ahead. And it probably won't be pretty. They say 'What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas'. Well not anymore, because if I should happen to see Celine Dion put her finger down her infected throat, or Lindsay Lohan sticking a needle in her skinny arm, I PROMISE you, that shit ain't gonna stay in Vegas!