Why hello there, dear reader. Sorry, I'm a little groggy. I just woke up. Last thing I remember I was reading my friend Darren's blog and I'm not sure what happened. Seriously though, he writes a blog on here that is called Darrenkipedia. It's worth checking out. You'll laugh until your botox hurts and your silicon boobs jiggle. Well I guess I can only speak for myself. In poor Darren's latest blog he was wondering if anyone was reading. He has yet to receive a comment. So I thought I would take the time, on my first attempt at blogging, to write a review of his blog.
In his very first blog, written on Dec 12, 2009, he wrote a very informative potpourri of little tidbits. We learned that the Earth travels at 67,000 miles per hour and the Queen has several 3,000,000 square foot mansions. Hmm, or was it the Earth travels and 3,000,000 miles an hour and the Queen has several 67,000 square foot mansions? I can't remember. Either way, his blogging career was off to a great start. And, most importantly, NO SPELLING MISTAKES!!!
His next blog was a where are they now column featuring a host of cartoon characters. Now given that I'm too young to remember any cartoon characters before Walle, I found this article informative and entertaining. He used big words like 'declared', 'beloved' and 'hummanah'. He clearly is a very gifted Scrabble player.
I must say his next blog almost brought me to tears. And not tears of laughter either. He joked about Kirk Cameron being dead. THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE LINE SIR!! Myself and Titanic lovers around the globe are quite simply horrified.
In his next blog he makes fun of the Queen of England. I should mention that I happen to be Queen Elizabeth II's great-great-great-great-great-great Grand-Nephew, and so I take any negative comments about the Royal Family to heart. I was frankly appalled at the mere suggestion of Auntie Lizzie's bosom touching her knees. What's next? Jokes about the Holocaust??
New Year's Eve was pretty much the beginning of the end for this blogger. (Darren, not me. Although it's probably pretty much the end for me too.) In 'Monetize, Monetize, Monetize' he actually incorporates advertising in his column for extra cash. Does the man have no shame?? Incidentally, have you heard about the new Ford Focus? Sleek new design, Power Windows and a Sunroof all for only $19,354. Oprah declares it her favorite car ever!! Anyways, I don't know why Darren needs to resort to this kind of thing. I'm sure his job cleaning toilets and picking up needles and condoms in the halls of his building pays enough. Speaking of condoms, have you heard about the new Trojan Extra Extra Large? Finally there's a condom just for me.
In his next blog 'No New Year's Resolutions for me...At least no new ones.' he tells us his interests are sports and urine clubs. While that might be a little too much information, he goes on to tell us he has smoked for 57 years and is FINALLY attempting to quit. I think he should also try to quit eating Wendy's Bacon Cheeseburgers with no bacon or cheese or mayo or pickles (just the bun and the patty please. No, JUST THE BUN AND THE PATTY!!!) but I guess let's just take it one step at a time. I wish him well in his battle. Of course he couldn't just leave it at that. He has to go on and bash us (we?) non-smokers. Apparently someone is just jealous about our white teeth, white fingernails and reasonably pleasant breath. He went on to mention Twitter and celebrities that he's following. He mentioned William Shatner and how boring he is. Why doesn't Mr Shatner just hire somebody witty to write for him? It's not like he doesn't have the money. It's nice that he mentioned me (Darren, not Mr Shatner), but he did also have the word boring in the same sentence. Ouch. He called my tweets 'malodorous'. Again gloating about his Scrabble skills. He mentioned a whole bunch of boring celebrities to follow. I will mention a couple of really funny celebrities to follow. Jann Arden (Dear Jesus, thank you for my Christmas period. So many Christmas colors in my underwear) and John Mayer (I thought I had a fart, but it was only poop. False alarm) are two very funny and sometimes quite shocking celebrities to follow.
That leads us to the aforementioned (see I have some decent Scrabble skills myself) blog where he wonders if anyone is reading. If he wasn't so holier-than-thou with his bragging about having a cordless keyboard, maybe people would read his damned blog. I don't think he realizes that there are some people out there that can't afford to shop at Holt Renfrew or buy Shamwows. He sits in his mighty tower in Whalley with his man servants, male nurses, and security team (blue team MOVE IN!!!) and for this reason, it is hard for him to relate to the common folk. Seriously though, it's always a great read and as I've told him many times he should be either writing a column in the paper or writing for a comedy series. The biggest reason of course is that there are NO SPELLING MISTAKES!
