For me, the year 2014 saw a rise in responsibilities and obligations, and a fall in spare time. An increase in stress and headaches, and a decrease in sleep. What little down time I did have was divided up between watching movies and playing Candy Crush. (I'm on level 796 I'll have you know.) Despite this, I was able to watch a majority of the contenders this year. I even stayed awake for some of them. Overall I think it was a strong year for movies, and among the Oscar nominees there are surprises, as always, and snubs, as usual.
Neil Patrick Harris (or as I call him, Doogie) is hosting this year. Ellen DeGeneres hosted last year. That's two gays in a row. What the Hell?! They're letting them host awards shows now? What's next? Marriage? Sheesh! Sexual preferences aside, I think Dougie will do a great job and I look forward to a big song and dance opening. My sources (Kim Kardashian and Rush Limbaugh) tell me it's going to be fantastic. No. Legen-dary.
Oscar time is an exciting time. A time to celebrate the best in Hollywood. A time to eat, drink and tweet. Oh yes there will be appys. (Although, truth be told, I would make appys for my own hunger strike). And I have a bottle of tequila just waiting to evaporate. Every year I play the drinking game. Last year I had a shot every time Ellen said 'Look at those perky boobs!' I wouldn't say I got hammered, but I did have a buzz. This year I'm having a shot every time Doogie says 'The'. By the end of the show I'll probably be stammering like my Mother. And who knows how incoherent my live tweets (@coreyoke1) will be by the time all is said and done.
Where else can you watch millionaires strut around in their million dollar dresses wearing their multi million dollar jewellery only to what? Receive a goodie bag worth $160,00? You can't make this shit up. I'm pretty sure I'm in the wrong line of work.
Academy Awards predictions are becoming serious business. I will make my lame and often insulting and tasteless jokes, but now that you can bet on the winners and potentially make some serious coin, this is no laughing matter. I should really be charging money for my services. For I have done my homework. Not only have I seen movie after movie but I've also talked to actual Academy members (okay, one was interviewed on CNN today and she sounded like a real whack job, well Nun, same thing), I've consulted psychics, and read newspaper articles (well, looked at the pictures). I feel pretty damned confident that I have the complete list of winners right here. Or your money back.
If I'm not mistaken (and I often am) this is my 3rd annual Academy Awards blog. It just so happens to be my first the night before. The others were written mere moments before the ball drops. Wait. That's New Year's Eve. Umm, the others were written while overpaid, pompous bulimics pranced the red carpet. In other words I had to be brief. I had shit to cook. Right now I've got all night to ramble. And I've been drinking coffee. You just know this is going to fly off the rails. It's only a matter of time. Okay, let's do this!
Best Animated Short:
This year I'm going to start with the more obscure categories because, seriously, who kept reading once I got to this crap? Nope. I'm gonna build up to Best picture. Can you feel the suspense? Are you on the edge of your seat? Good. And no skipping. That's cheating.
Since I haven't seen any of these (that's a phrase I will be using a lot by the way), I've had to bring in a couple of really good sources (Fox News and the National Enquirer). While there are five nominees, it's really only a two horse race. The Dam Keeper was the best of the bunch this year BUT Disney's Feast will sweep in and take the prize. I hope Kanye approves or things could get ugly. Hey, would Fox News steer you wrong?
Best Live Action Short:
You guessed it. I haven't seen any of these. (Hey, we've been through this. I don't have a lot of time and level 756 of Candy Crush took me over a month!) Boogaloo And Graham is nominated, and I can tell you with complete (un)certainty that a movie with the word 'Boogaloo' has never won a damned Oscar. That's a lesson for you young kids out there. When you are writing a screenplay and looking for a title, don't use 'Boogaloo'. Virtually anything else. Just not Boogaloo. (Don't say that this isn't educational). Right there our odds go from 20% to 25%. (Oh, I also consulted mathematicians. I forgot.) In fact the only decent title of the bunch is The Phone Call. And there's your winner. (Clearly, with that logic, I should be a member of the voting academy.)
Best Documentary Short:
Since American Sniper has taken theatres by storm and become the biggest war movie of all time (Americans love a nice blood bath), I would lean towards Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1. Since American Sniper won't win anything tonight, to keep the peace, this movie will win. Trust me, you don't want to piss off the gun-loving (and sister-loving but that's beside the point) rednecks. They are armed and they are just looking for a reason.
Best Documentary Feature:
CitizenFour will win this, hands down. No seriously. Put your hands down. I'm busy writing this. I don't have time for questions.
Best Foreign Film:
FINALLY I can say that I have watched one of these. And I watched it tonight. Ida is beautifully filmed in black and white and I'm quite confident that it will win. Why, you ask? (Again with the questions!) It's also the only film in this category to have another nomination. Best cinematography. That's good enough for me.
Best Hair And Makeup:
It's a weak year for hair and makeup. There are only three nominees. None of them really stood out to me so I'm just going to go eeny-meeny-miney Guardians Of The Galaxy. Might not want to put too much money on that though. Grand Budapest Hotel could win this as well.
Best Visual Effects:
Clearly a two horse race here between Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes (a movie that I loved) and Interstellar (a movie that was mostly snubbed by the Academy and I think could have easily been nominated for Best Picture). Either one of these would be worthy winners, but I'm pretty confident that the Academy will give this to Interstellar and not those Damned Dirty Apes!
Best Costume:
Not a particularly strong year for this category either (what the Hell? Did the gays take the year off?!) I'd say it's between The Grand Budapest Hotel and the annoyingly dull Into The Woods that even Meryl the Great herself couldn't save. I'll give it to Budapest.
Best Sound Editing:
I had my ears tested a few months ago. Not good. Please take that into consideration before you plunk down a few grand on my picks for sound editing and mixing. I'm lucky if I can hear what people are saying never mind how the damned sounds are edited. By the time The Academy Awards 2016 comes along I'll be all Helen Keller. (Yes, I now need reading glasses too. Sigh.) That said, I think these are the only two categories that American Sniper has a shot at. (Ooh, see what I did there?) But no, I'll go with Birdman. Only because Clint Eastwood is a dick. There. I said it. I feel better. More coffee.
Best Sound Mixing:
I explained the difference between sound editing and sound mixing so eloquently in last year's Oscar blog so feel free to read it if you need to. I'm going to go with Birdman again for mixing, although Whiplash could pull an upset.
Best Score:
Johann Johannson (there are a couple of accents above the o's but I don't know how to do that, just pretend they are there) won the Golden Globe for his original score in The Theory Of Everthing. That's good enough for me. He will just beat out Alexandre Desplat (no accents) for The Grand Budapest Hotel AND The Imitation Game (no one likes a show off).
Best Original Song:
This will be between Glen Campbell's I'll be Me and John Legend's Glory from Selma which was largely overlooked by the Academy. While it also received a Best Picture nomination, David Oyelowo was brilliant as Martin Luther King Jr and deserved a Best Actor nomination. Ava DuVernay also could've been nominated for Best Director. (But that mostly old, white male Academy can't encourage black women to direct movies now, can they? What's next? President?) Give this one to Selma's Glory.
Best Production Design:
I'd say this is between Into The Woods and The Grand Budapest Hotel. We'll (that would be me) go with The Grand Budapest Hotel just because I'm still bitter that Into The Woods stole two hours and nine minutes of my life that I could've spent playing Candy Crush.
Best Editing:
This is probably my toughest category because, if you've been paying attention to this blog, you'll know that I don't know much about editing. My source (Brian Williams) seems to be favoring Boyhood. All the more reason for me to pick Whiplash. I loved the movie, although I hear that drummers do not like it. That's okay. Drummers are weird.
Best Cinematography:
This ones a lock. Birdman will win. Guarandamnteed.
Best Animated Feature:
Another extremely tough category. I raced (by raced I mean 'waddled', I mean really, who am I kidding?) to the theatre when The Lego Movie came out because I was convinced that it was going to win for this category and it was an opportunity to take one off the list. Oops. Not even bleeping...oops, pardon my language, not even fucking nominated. (Well that was a waste of $15 for the 3-d ticket and another $20 for the popcorn combo in the extra large Lego Movie bucket.) I'll narrow this down to How To Train Your Dragon 2, Big Hero 6 and The Boxtrolls. Now comes the hard part. The Boxtrolls isn't likely to pull an upset so let's narrow it down to Disney or DreamWorks. DreamWorks tends to be a little more aggressive in their bribing so we'll go with Big Hero 6. (Do I even need to mention that I haven't seen any of these?)
Best Adapted Screenplay:
Now for my favorite two categories. The writing ones. This is my dream job. You don't have to leave your house. You don't have to lose weight for a role. You don't even have to do your damned hair. And nobody asks for an autograph while you are looking for the best deal on toilet paper in aisle 7 at Walmart. And yes, you need to find the best deal, because the actors and producers are the ones making all the money.
This is a close race between Imitation Game, Whiplash and The Theory Of Everything but I will give it to Imitation Game. Just a gut feeling, and Sylvia Browne always told me to go with my gut feeling. Of course it could just be gas.
Best Original Screenplay:
This is between Birdman, Budapest and Boyhood (there's some serious alliteration right there) and I will pick Birdman.
Best Supporting Actor:
While Ed Norton (Birdman) and Mark Ruffalo (Foxcatcher) were great in their roles, JK Simmons was brilliant and will win the award. (He scares me).
Best Supporting Actress:
Emma Stone (Birdman) could pull a bit of an upset here but I have a few good sources (Whitney Houston and Joan Rivers) who insist that Patricia Arquette will win for Boyhood and I just can't argue with those two. No really. I can't. Because they are dead.
Best Actor:
This comes down to Michael Keaton (Birdman) who is essentially playing himself, and Eddie Redmayne (The Theory Of Everything) who brilliantly does not go full retard (yeah, I just had to go there). This may be the closest race of the night and both would be well deserving but since I have to pick (can there be a tie? Not sure. Feel free to Google that shit) I'm going to pick Eddie Redmayne. (Incidentally, I think the third best performance of the year was probably Jake Gyllenhaal (Nightcrawler) who was snubbed big time.)
Best Actress:
This is another absolute lock. I watched Julianne Moore in Still Alice a few nights ago and was stunned at her performance as a woman struggling with early Alzheimer's disease. It was like watching my Mother. (We didn't really think she had a problem until she couldn't remember how to get to the liquor store.) It's a great movie that I highly recommend (yes I stayed awake) and one of the best performances that you will ever see.
Best Director:
This is between Richard Linklater (Boyhood) and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (LOTS of accents and a weird squiggly thing in his last name, again, use your imagination) (Birdman). Boyhood actually took 12 years to film and the main star (Ellar Coltrane) was 6 when they began and 18 by the end. There I go with the math again. It was a great movie that was very tastefully done by a top notch director and I'll pick him to win. But it's a close race.
Best Picture:
For those of you who skipped ahead, and you know who you are (and you missed some pretty good jokes at my Mother's expense) you should feel shame. Now for the big moment of the night. (Imagine a drum roll in your head, it builds up the suspense). The best picture of the year is...pause for dramatic effect, fumble with the envelope, BIRDMAN!
That gives (if my calculations are correct, and they often aren't) Boyhood, Whiplash, The Theory Of Everything and The Grand Budapest Hotel two Oscars apiece, and Birdman is the big winner with five awards.
Now you can hop a flight to Vegas or call your bookie. By tomorrow you could be retiring in some beautiful tropical paradise and spending the rest of your days drinking Chi Chis. You can thank me later. And enjoy the show. Now bring on Doogie!
