My Last Minute Half-Assed Run Of The Mill Oscar Picks

Trust me to leave things to the last minute. It's in my nature. I have watched all nine of the best picture nominees, four of them in the last 23 hours. But that's okay. I was completely sober for one of them, so that's gotta count for something.

I just finished watching the last one, Hell Or High Water (sort of Thelma & Louise meets Sausage Party) and due to technical issues with the box that I watched it on (my lawyer suggests that in the event that this aforementioned box is illegal that I just say I saw all of these movies in the theatre) I was left with very little time to write this. Let this be a lesson to all of you young bloggers out there. It is always good to begin with an excuse as to why your blog sucks. Throw in a shout out to getting drunk and you have just taken the pressure and the expectations off mother fucker!!

This is my fifth or sixth annual Oscar predictions blog. My record speaks for itself. It pretty much has to. My memory isn't good so I have no idea how I have done. Or where I am. But I am pretty sure among the major categories I have done quite well. This year I have not seen any of the foreign films, none of the documentaries (strangely Michael Moore's brilliant Who To Invade Next? wasn't nominated), none of the animated movies (or as my Mother calls them 'artsy talkies'), and I haven't heard any of the songs nominated. That makes me about as qualified to write this as Trump is to be the US President. And speaking of bat-shit crazy psychopaths, Mel Gibson's extremely average Hacksaw Ridge is nominated for six Oscars including Best Picture, but it will likely come away with nothing.

Of the nine Best Picture nominations, three stood out to me the most. Lion, an amazing and at times heartbreaking true story about a lost boy, received six nominations. Dev Patel plays the boy all grown up. While he is deservedly nominated for best supporting actor I would suggest that Sunny Pawar, who plays the young Saroo, was even better. This kid is going to be a star. I suppose you could say that he already is. I won't give away anything but if I told you I didn't have tears running down my face as I left the theatre I would be Lion. (See what I did there?) While the credits rolled they showed the real people. It looks like they stuck very closely to the story. And this is a story that needed to be told.

The second one I loved is Manchester By The Sea. Nominated for six Oscars, it is gut wrenchingly, unthinkably sad at times. Beautifully shot, with a great script and understated acting, the story unfolds slowly with the use of subtle yet effective flashbacks. Casey Affleck was at his best in the lead role. He is one of the favourites for Best Actor. Michelle Williams is nominated for Supporting Actress and she really shows off her acting chops towards the end. I so want to give things away. If I am drunk enough by the end of typing this I just might start doing that. (Bruce Willis is dead in Sixth Sense!!)

The third movie that I loved was Hidden Figures. Nominated for three Oscars, this is also based on a true story and takes place in the early 60s as NASA is trying to send man into space. It is a story about black (gasp!) female (double gasp!) mathematicians hidden behind the scenes, trying to make this happen. Taraji P Henson was terrific in the lead role and in my opinion she should have been nominated. Octavia Spencer did get a nomination for Supporting Actress. It seems once you win an Oscar then you just keep getting nominated. Great movie though, and one of the most entertaining movies of the bunch.

The movie that is expected to sweep the awards is La La Land. Nominated for fourteen Oscars. While I thought it was a really good movie, it dragged in parts, and seemed a little bit long. But since I did stay awake in the theatre for the whole movie, it couldn't have been that bad. The opening scene was pretty spectacular. A freeway in Los Angeles at a stand still and people out dancing and singing on and around their cars. Right away you know this isn't going to be another gritty drama.

Of the best picture nominees, three of them (in my not so humble opinion) shouldn't be there. Fences (brilliantly acted, Viola Davis WILL win, and Denzel Washington just might) just wasn't very entertaining. Amaze me with the acting, dazzle me with the cinematography, move me with the music, intrigue me with the writing, but for the love of President Bannon ENTERTAIN me!!! Moonlight also was a little on the dull side. It just felt to me that they were trying too hard for Oscar nominations. I hate that shit. And as for Hacksaw Ridge, I would call it a slightly above average war movie that is only on this list because Mel Gibson directed it. There I said it. I feel better. I need another Amaretto and coke. (Hiccup).

Time is a wasting. And I still have to make devilled eggs and put the chicken wings in the oven. Let's get to this. Here are my Oscar Picks for the Academy Awards 2017.

Short Film (Live Action):

We are going to start small and work our way up. No skipping ahead Mom! Since I haven't watched any of these (nobody got time fo' dat!) I will take a guess. Most of the Academy won't watch these either. Some of them will mistake this Sing with the animated Sing. so that is my pick. Sing!

Short Film (Animated):

Sources are telling me that Piper should win. But I am picking Borrowed Time just because of the name. Sounds like a winner. (Aren't I amazing?!)

Production Design:

La La Land. Who cares. Let's move on!

Visual Effects:

This should clearly go to The Jungle Book if there is any justice.

Sound Editing:

If you have read my previous Oscar blogs then you should know the damned difference between editing and mixing. (Mixing by the way is what my Mother is doing right now in Mexico) La La Land is the favourite here, but I am going to go with Arrival. Another great movie this year that I should mention.

Sound Mixing:

Often, because the damned Academy don't know the difference between mixing and editing, the same movie wins both of these. I will predict this year will be different. I will pick Hacksaw Ridge. And I take back what I said earlier about Hacksaw Ridge being shutout. But does sound mixing really count? That is kind of like winning best Polka album at the Grammys.

Music (Original Song):

Since La La Land is nominated for 14 Oscars and is a musical, how could it not win this? And I vaguely remember hearing City Of Stars so let's go with that. (Jeez, I am like a scientist!)

Music (Original Score):

I was really disappointed that Arrival didn't get a nomination. I haven't seen Jackie, but Passengers was a steaming pile of d*g shit (hmm, that star probably could have been better placed). I think La La Land pretty much has to win this one too.

Makeup and Hairstyling:

This should really be my expertise, but I have no idea. Let's go with Star Trek Beyond.

Foreign Language Film:

Iran's The Salesman has been getting attention lately (partially because the director has boycotted the show because of the recent travel ban), but I pick Sweden's A Man Called Ove. Sounds sad. Who would name their kid Ove? Sounds like child abuse to me. And those types of movies win awards.

Film Editing:

A tough category. But when in doubt go with the one that is sweeping the awards. La La Land.

Documentary (Short Subject):

Eeny meeny miney moe. The White Helmets.

Documentary (Feature):

I Am Not Your Negro, and 13th have some Oscar buzz, but my sources (CNN and Dick Cheney) tell me that OJ: Made In America will win this one.

Costume Design:

La La Land. By a mile.

Cinematography:

I would love to give this to Lion, but La La Land is the heavy favourite. I will go with that.

Animated Feature:

I am hearing this is a two horse race, and neither of them is Moana. Kubo And The Two Strings has some momentum but I think Zootopia is going to win.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay):

I would probably go with Arrival. But it sounds like Moonlight is going to win.

Writing (Original Screenplay):

Manchester By The Sea is the clear winner in this one. I won't be happy if La La Land wins this too.

Actress In A Supporting Role:

I was surprised Viola Davis was nominated in this category. Clearly it was a lead performance in Fences. But I did the Google and read that she submitted for the supporting category because it is less competitive. That has to be true since I read it on the Worldwide Web! Either way this is her award. May as well give it to her now.

Actor In A Supporting Role:

Mahershala Ali is the clear favourite here for his brief but effective performance in Moonlight. But I will predict that Jeff Bridges will pull an upset for his performance as a sheriff trying to catch bank robbers in West Texas.

Actress In A Leading Role:

Meryl Streep is nominated (of course) but I have not heard any buzz at all for her. None. Isabelle Huppert could pull an upset but I am going with Emma Stone for her performance in La La Land.

Actor In A Leading Role:

Denzel Washington won the Golden Globe for his performance in Fences, which he also directed. That gives him momentum. But Casey Affleck's performance was so incredible, so pitch perfect, that I am going to give this to him. And Denzel has already won two. Don't be greedy, bro.

Best Director:

While I would be happy to see Kenneth Lonergan pull an upset with his brilliant Manchester By The Sea, I think Damien Chazelle will win for La La Land.

Best Picture:

And the big moment will be anti climactic. No drum roll necessary. La La Land will win best pick. And if (sorry, when) I am right with all of my predictions, that would give La La Land 9 Oscars in total. It's amazing what you can do with a measly $30 million budget.

Well that does it for my Oscar picks. I will be sure to leave it to the last minute once again next year. I am hoping for some Trump bashing from host Jimmy Kimmel and some big time political statements from some of the winners. And blah blah blah. I am starting to sober up. I need to get another drink and put those wings in the oven.