I don't know why, but every year I am duped into watching the Oscars at 5 o' clock. Of course they don't actually start until 5:30, but my memory span continues to shrink. I wish I could say the same for my stomach. 5 o' clock is when the actresses of Hollywood strut their stuff (most of which we can see, whatever happened to needing to use our imagination?) down the red carpet. Call me cynical, but I don't really care 'who' they are wearing. And is it really necessary for the 8 foot long trains? Aren't any of these people worried about a backlash from their fans, many of whom can barely afford to feed themselves while watching the big show? I mean I could barely afford that second bag of Baked Cheezies. Oh well, we all know that Hollywood is a big facade and that most of those women slept with their directors to make it in Hollywood in the first place and are now spending most of their money on Coke and Heroin (allegedly). With that cheerful little insight into Tinseltown, so begins my post Oscar blog.
I was really looking forward to Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin hosting, and I was very surprised when Neil Patrick Harris came out to begin the show. He is a very talented guy and did a great song and dance number. I wonder if the Producers of the show wanted to kind of test the waters a bit to see people's reactions before letting him host a show. I thought it was great and hopefully he gets the opportunity next year. As for Steve Martin and Alex Baldwin, while I thought there were a few funny moments, they weren't as funny as I expected. I know they have some great writers working on this material and they have a lot of time to do it. It's not like they are doing a show a week or anything, so I expected better. I get the feeling that Alec Baldwin would've done better on his own.
One of my favorite parts of the Oscars is always the original song performances. It breaks up the monotony of what is generally a very long show. Why they decided to do without the performances is anyone's guess but I think it's the ultimate arrogance of Hollywood to think they can just show trailers of films and have actresses strut around in ridiculous dresses with million dollar necklaces and that will be entertainment enough. The only real moments of entertainment were the Neil Patrick Harris opening number and the dances during the Original Score nominees.
Speaking of arrogance, in my Oscar blog the other day I may have come across as a little egotistical. (Who me?) I gloated about how I'm rarely ever wrong when it comes to predictions. Well last night was a humbling experience. I think the problem was I got a little underdog happy. I should've stuck to the favorites a little more. And to think I got BOTH original and adapted screenplays wrong, well that's a first for me. I still insist that there is nothing more important in a movie than the screenplay, so those are always my favorite categories. In a perfect World the writers would get paid as much as the stars. No matter how good the acting or the directing is, you can't make up for a horrible script. I did pick two mild upsets, and I was wrong both times. And now, I feel shame.
I was also wrong about Best Director, although I was pretty sure by that time who would win. I never let myself make changes midway through however. The Hurt Locker was the big winner on the night, and there was just no stopping it. I was even wrong about the Documentaries and the Shorts, throwing my theories for a loop. It almost makes me think that the Academy actually WATCHED all the nominees. Well now that is just crazy talk.
I also pride myself in getting the Best Score category right every year. I picked Avatar, but after hearing clips of all the performances just before they opened the envelope, I wanted to change my pick to Up. I'd forgotten how amazing that music is. And if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it, for adults as much as kids. Anyways, I was glad to see that Up won, but pissed that I had to make another x on my paper. As if I didn't already feel like a big enough failure. Final tally on the night: 11 right, 13 wrong. (and 5 dozen of Grandma's Spring Rolls, 2 bags of Baked Cheezies and 9 glasses of Punch Drunk.) On the bright side, since only one or two people will actually read this blog, in next year's Oscar blog I can claim once again that I was perfect.
I thought the homage to John Hughes was very tasteful. I don't use the word tasteful very often when it comes to the Academy Awards. I thought he was a great writer and director and was very saddened by his death. The Breakfast Club and Trains, Planes, and Automobiles are two or my all-time favorite movies. I was further saddened (or maybe mortified is a more appropriate word) when Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson and the rest of the former child stars came out to talk about Hughes. Molly Ringwald looked like Zsa Zsa Gabor and Nelson looked like Abe Lincoln. Boy do I feel old.
I have to admit, I was not happy that Sandra Bullock won Best Actress. (I was so sure I was going to win that award before her. Now I'm bitter.) I haven't even seen The Blind Side so I probably shouldn't comment until I do, but you know that's never stopped me before. I was really impressed with Bullock's speech however and now I'm glad she won. I actually got a tear in my eye. I think it was the only tear of the night. Unfortunately there were not many great speeches. In today's ADHD World, there is too much pressure on the winners to deliver their speeches in 12 seconds. Some of the greatest moments in Oscar history were speeches. Like when Martin Luther King Jr won and then did his famous 'I had a dream' speech. Okay, so that wasn't the Oscars but I don't imagine you're reading this blog for historical accuracy.
I really liked Mon'ique's speech as well. Especially her comment about the Academy voting for her because of her performance and not politics. Hollywood is a game and most of the winner's at the Oscars play that game. It's all politics unfortunately. (You didn't really think Halle Berry won an Oscar based on talent did you?) Mon'ique was determined not to play the game and let her performance do the talking. Many critics didn't think that she would win because of it. I'm glad to see that she did.
I also liked the Obituary part of the show. It was a nice touch having James Taylor sing along to it. Hard to believe but I've already forgotten what the song was. Did I mention that I am going senile? Oh jeez, it's almost time for my medication. While it was a touching tribute to the many people that Hollywood has lost in the past year, they forgot about Farrah Fawcett and Estelle Getty. On Twitter, Roger Ebert said 'epic fail'. I wish he wouldn't say that. He's much too old.
Possibly the funniest moment for Martin and Baldwin was their Paranormal Activity spoof. It involved them rolling around in bed in fast motion. At one point Steve Martin walked over and slapped Alec Baldwin on the face, making one of my predictions come true.
As the show went on, it seemed pretty obvious that they were falling behind. The often lame and embarrassing banter of the presenters was replaced with just the reading of the nominees and the opening of the envelope. At least lame and embarrasssing is entertaining. The reading of the nominees is just boring. The weirdest moment happened right at the end. Tom Hanks walked out to present the Best Picture winner. He didn't even read the nominees, he just said "and the winner is...The Hurt Locker." Kathryn Bigelow was hugging everyone around her (except her ex-husband) before I realized that it wasn't a joke. That kind of wrecked a perfectly mediocre show. Are they that afraid of going into the Amazing Race's time slot? (I hate to get sidetracked but the Amazing Race hasn't been 'amazing' in 8 years.)
I did like the fact that Steve Martin tried to steal Kathryn Bigelow's Oscar at the end and then he said 'this show was so long that Avatar now takes place in the past." Truer words were never spoken.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Oscar LaVista Baby: My Academy Award Predictions
It seems like only yesterday that I was making predictions for last years Oscars. I generally do pretty well picking the winners. I hate to brag, but I think I was only wrong once last year and it was for Best Supporting Actress in an Animated Short Foreign Documentary which is always a crapshoot. I have done extensive research. I have seen every single Best Picture Nominee. (Okay, I've only seen five, but I watched the trailers for the others.) Today's blog will include some gossip (James Cameron is planning to scream 'I'm the King of Pandora!!!'), some social commentary (is the construction of the Academy Award bad for Global Warming?), some predictions (I'll go out on a limb and say that somebody will thank God for making all this possible), and of course, most importantly some recipes for your Oscar Party.
Let's start with some gossip. Apparently Sacha Baron Cohen and Ben Stiller were going to do a spoof of Avatar and Sacha was going to play a pregnant Avatar and claim that it was James Cameron's baby. Then it was going to turn all Jerry Springer. Sounds like a funny bit and I think that Sacha Baron Cohen is hilarious. He was great in both Borat and Bruno and I loved him in Sweeney Todd. I'm sure it would have been great. The problem is that the Producer of the Oscars is a friend of James Cameron's and thinks he would be so offended he may even walk out of the theatre. So it's been cancelled and Sacha Baron Cohen is staying at home in London. Now this makes James Cameron look like a tool, which he very well may be. But my first thought is, if he walked out wouldn't that be tv gold? Don't you want everyone talking about the Oscars, even if maybe it's a bad thing? I bet you'd get more viewers next year. I'd be trying to piss off everyone. Taunting them, cursing at them. Especially that bitch Meryl Streep.
I've seen some of the ads for the Oscars featuring the hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, and they were actually pretty funny. I personally don't think Steve Martin is very funny (and I'm still pissed that he's remade the Pink Panther movies, he is certainly no Peter Sellers) but maybe with help from Alec Bladwin he will be. I predict some plastic surgery jokes, maybe a bitch slap or two and lots and lots of tap dancing. Now for my Oscar picks.
Feel free to go to Oscar.com to read all of the nominees, but I'm much too lazy to type all of that so I'm just going to talk about the potential winners. Beginning with Best Picture. For the first time there are going to be 10 nominees. I'm not sure the point of that except that it does help to promote more movies. But let's be honest. This is really only a four horse race. The two real favorites are The Hurt Locker and Avatar. Followed by Precious and Up In The Air. Most of the other six nominations are well deserved but personally I would give District 9 the boot and put in it's place Where The Wild Things Are. Though it's not for everyone, I loved it. My pick this year for Best Picture is The Hurt Locker. I feel pretty good about this one. I would probably even bet a toonie.
Best Actor is probably the easiest to pick this year. Jeff Bridges will win for Crazy Heart. This is a sure thing. It's a great story. The Dude will finally get his Oscar.
Best Actress is really tough this year and I'm just so thankful that I'm an expert. If I wasn't then this would be even tougher. I hate to bet against Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren but one thing that the Academy voters like is a big upset. Gabourey Sidibe from Precious is my surprise pick. I also predict that she will get a standing O from the crowd and that Meryl and her posse will storm out in a huff.
Best Supporting Actor is another tough one. Unfortunately I haven't seen that many movies this year because that would involve putting down the potato chips and getting out of my comfy easy chair. I feel like I did writing my Biology 12 Exam in High School. I'm just basically guessing. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. I'm picking Christoph Waltz for his brilliant performance in Inglourious Basterds, and yes I did see that one.
In the Best Supporting Actress category, it looks like Penelope Cruz continues to be overrated. She's not the first (Marilyn Monroe) and she definitely won't be the last. I saw Nine and found it very disappointing but at the time I said that Marion Cotillard should be nominated for Best Supporting Actress. They didn't nominate the right person. Anyways, thankfully Penelope won't win. And the envelope please...the winner is Mo'Nique for Precious.
The Best Director category is another tough one. You could make a case for any of the nominees. The favorites are James Cameron and his ex-wife (that has to be awkward) Kathryn Bigelow but I'm going to go against the grain and pick another upset. My pick is Lee Daniels who directed Precious. And I might even put a nickel on it.
For Best Adapted Screenplay I think it's a battle between Precious and Up In The Air and since (if my picks are correct) Jason Reitman will have been shut out to this point, I'm going to give it to Reitman and Sheldon Turner for Up In The Air.
For Best Original Screenplay Mark Boal, who wrote The Hurt Locker script, would be the favorite, but this is an opportunity to give Quentin Tarantino an award. My ample gut tells me that that is exactly what is going to happen.
Best Animated Feature will be between The Fantastic Mr Fox and Up, but since Up is only the second animated feature ever to be nominated for Best Picture, it's a pretty safe bet to win this award. Besides, how can you bet against a movie that involves a house flying to South America? I can't.
Now I'm not going to get into every single category but one of the most enjoyable things about watching the Oscars is trying to predict the winners of the categories where I have absolutely no idea. Like for Animated Shorts and Documentaries. Surprisingly I am often right. My theory is that whenever there are kids involved or poverty in third world countries, that's what will win. Why? Because as clueless as I am about the nominees, the Academy is just as clueless. Most of them don't watch all the nominees. The title of the movie and the photo shown are also often factors. Let's look at Best Documentary for example. Keeping in mind that I haven't seen any of these (and where is Michael Moore's Capitalism: A Love Story by the way?) Looking at the photos and reading the titles I will bet you that Which Way Home will take home the Oscar. You just know I'm going to gloat in my next blog if and when that happens.
Using the same theories, for Documentary Short I'm going to pick The Last Truck: Closing Of A GM Plant. How can the Academy vote against a piece of Americana? I don't think they will. Whether the movie is good or not is almost irrelevent.
For Foreign Language Film, I'm picking The White Ribbon from Germany. Mainly because I have seen it nominated in a few others categories. That reason is good enough for a lot of Academy Members. Jeez, I'm starting to get cynical in my old age.
For Original Score I will pick James Horner for Avatar though I'm disappointed that Where The Wild Things Are didn't get a nomination. I loved the music in that movie.
The Original Song category is one of the easier picks. The Weary Kind from the movie Crazy Heart will take the trophy. Ryan Bingham, who was homeless not long ago, will accept the award with T. Bone Burnett.
As I said I'm not going to go through every nomination. I will keep track at home (from my infamous easy chair) and I will write another blog after the show to let you know how I did. Now it's time to get to the most important part of this blog, food and drink.
I like to have an Oscar Party at my house. I would recommend that you do that on Oscar Night though that is optional. I would suggest you have everyone show up before the show starts (5pm pst) so that you can all watch the old people with their new faces walk down the red carpet. It never ceases to amaze me how they can strut their stuff and talk about who they are wearing when a huge majority of viewers are struggling just to make their cable payment at the end of the month. I have to collect pop bottles and squeegee cars just to afford to buy tinfoil which I have to put on my head and touch my tv screen just to get good reception of the Oscars. Still, I'm not really offended and I can't help but be glued to the tv, albeit with aluminum foil in my hair.
To liven up your party, you can make it an Oscar Strip Party. Every time someone is wrong about a prediction, they have to remove a piece of clothing. I've been to many of these over the years and they are a lot of fun. Luckily I've never ended up in my Birthday suit by the end. Well it could be luck or it could be the fact that I'm always wearing 17 pairs of underwear and 8 scarves.
Food is another important part of any Oscar Party. What goes better with movies than Popcorn? Nothing, I say. But forget about that crappy microwave popcorn. The healthiest way to make popcorn is to buy the kernels in bulk, put a small amount of them in a paper bag and nuke them. They are done when your smoke alarm is ringing. As a topping, forget about that margarine. I don't like eating something that is created in a science lab. It's butter or nothing for me. But how much? I like to compare it to milk in cereal. If your cereal is floating then you've put in too much milk. Well that's like popcorn. Only put in enough butter so that the popcorn isn't floating. Oh, and you may want to eat it with a spoon.
Another popular appy at my Oscar Parties is my homemade Spring Rolls. I'll even reveal my secret recipe. Just drive to your local Walmart, head to the frozen food section and find the Wong Wing Spring Rolls. Then you take them home, put them in your oven for 25 minutes at 350 degrees and they are ready to be served with a nice sweet and sour sauce. Be careful to hide the box when you serve them while claiming they are made from your Great Grandmothers secret recipe.
Do you have friends that are health conscious? That's too bad. Health conscious people are boring and tend to smell. I say don't invite them. If you do invite them, make sure you have a bowl of baked Cheezies ready, probably in a dark corner.
As my Mother always taught me, no party is a real party without booze. (At least I think that's what she said she was always slurring her words.) So here is my Mother's favorite punch recipe. Hopefully you have a nice crystal punch bowl, but if you don't just use a big tupperware dish like my Mother always does. In it put 1 ounce of Orange Juice, 1 ounce of Strawberry juice, 1 26'er of Grey Goose Vodka and 3 bottles of Dom Perignon. You can add a few slices of Strawberries on the top for a garnish if you'd like. It's called Punch Drunk. Not only is this a mighty tasty beverage, but it will ensure that you will be hosed before the first award is given out. That's always a good thing. But be warned, keep this punch away from a fireplace. It is an extreme fire hazard. Your breath will be as well.
Well that should get you well on your way to hosting a great Oscar Party. It should prove to be a very exciting night as usual. And after all the tears, laughter and hair pulling, I will be there with my Post-Oscar Wrap. (Why does that make me think of food?)
Let's start with some gossip. Apparently Sacha Baron Cohen and Ben Stiller were going to do a spoof of Avatar and Sacha was going to play a pregnant Avatar and claim that it was James Cameron's baby. Then it was going to turn all Jerry Springer. Sounds like a funny bit and I think that Sacha Baron Cohen is hilarious. He was great in both Borat and Bruno and I loved him in Sweeney Todd. I'm sure it would have been great. The problem is that the Producer of the Oscars is a friend of James Cameron's and thinks he would be so offended he may even walk out of the theatre. So it's been cancelled and Sacha Baron Cohen is staying at home in London. Now this makes James Cameron look like a tool, which he very well may be. But my first thought is, if he walked out wouldn't that be tv gold? Don't you want everyone talking about the Oscars, even if maybe it's a bad thing? I bet you'd get more viewers next year. I'd be trying to piss off everyone. Taunting them, cursing at them. Especially that bitch Meryl Streep.
I've seen some of the ads for the Oscars featuring the hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, and they were actually pretty funny. I personally don't think Steve Martin is very funny (and I'm still pissed that he's remade the Pink Panther movies, he is certainly no Peter Sellers) but maybe with help from Alec Bladwin he will be. I predict some plastic surgery jokes, maybe a bitch slap or two and lots and lots of tap dancing. Now for my Oscar picks.
Feel free to go to Oscar.com to read all of the nominees, but I'm much too lazy to type all of that so I'm just going to talk about the potential winners. Beginning with Best Picture. For the first time there are going to be 10 nominees. I'm not sure the point of that except that it does help to promote more movies. But let's be honest. This is really only a four horse race. The two real favorites are The Hurt Locker and Avatar. Followed by Precious and Up In The Air. Most of the other six nominations are well deserved but personally I would give District 9 the boot and put in it's place Where The Wild Things Are. Though it's not for everyone, I loved it. My pick this year for Best Picture is The Hurt Locker. I feel pretty good about this one. I would probably even bet a toonie.
Best Actor is probably the easiest to pick this year. Jeff Bridges will win for Crazy Heart. This is a sure thing. It's a great story. The Dude will finally get his Oscar.
Best Actress is really tough this year and I'm just so thankful that I'm an expert. If I wasn't then this would be even tougher. I hate to bet against Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren but one thing that the Academy voters like is a big upset. Gabourey Sidibe from Precious is my surprise pick. I also predict that she will get a standing O from the crowd and that Meryl and her posse will storm out in a huff.
Best Supporting Actor is another tough one. Unfortunately I haven't seen that many movies this year because that would involve putting down the potato chips and getting out of my comfy easy chair. I feel like I did writing my Biology 12 Exam in High School. I'm just basically guessing. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. I'm picking Christoph Waltz for his brilliant performance in Inglourious Basterds, and yes I did see that one.
In the Best Supporting Actress category, it looks like Penelope Cruz continues to be overrated. She's not the first (Marilyn Monroe) and she definitely won't be the last. I saw Nine and found it very disappointing but at the time I said that Marion Cotillard should be nominated for Best Supporting Actress. They didn't nominate the right person. Anyways, thankfully Penelope won't win. And the envelope please...the winner is Mo'Nique for Precious.
The Best Director category is another tough one. You could make a case for any of the nominees. The favorites are James Cameron and his ex-wife (that has to be awkward) Kathryn Bigelow but I'm going to go against the grain and pick another upset. My pick is Lee Daniels who directed Precious. And I might even put a nickel on it.
For Best Adapted Screenplay I think it's a battle between Precious and Up In The Air and since (if my picks are correct) Jason Reitman will have been shut out to this point, I'm going to give it to Reitman and Sheldon Turner for Up In The Air.
For Best Original Screenplay Mark Boal, who wrote The Hurt Locker script, would be the favorite, but this is an opportunity to give Quentin Tarantino an award. My ample gut tells me that that is exactly what is going to happen.
Best Animated Feature will be between The Fantastic Mr Fox and Up, but since Up is only the second animated feature ever to be nominated for Best Picture, it's a pretty safe bet to win this award. Besides, how can you bet against a movie that involves a house flying to South America? I can't.
Now I'm not going to get into every single category but one of the most enjoyable things about watching the Oscars is trying to predict the winners of the categories where I have absolutely no idea. Like for Animated Shorts and Documentaries. Surprisingly I am often right. My theory is that whenever there are kids involved or poverty in third world countries, that's what will win. Why? Because as clueless as I am about the nominees, the Academy is just as clueless. Most of them don't watch all the nominees. The title of the movie and the photo shown are also often factors. Let's look at Best Documentary for example. Keeping in mind that I haven't seen any of these (and where is Michael Moore's Capitalism: A Love Story by the way?) Looking at the photos and reading the titles I will bet you that Which Way Home will take home the Oscar. You just know I'm going to gloat in my next blog if and when that happens.
Using the same theories, for Documentary Short I'm going to pick The Last Truck: Closing Of A GM Plant. How can the Academy vote against a piece of Americana? I don't think they will. Whether the movie is good or not is almost irrelevent.
For Foreign Language Film, I'm picking The White Ribbon from Germany. Mainly because I have seen it nominated in a few others categories. That reason is good enough for a lot of Academy Members. Jeez, I'm starting to get cynical in my old age.
For Original Score I will pick James Horner for Avatar though I'm disappointed that Where The Wild Things Are didn't get a nomination. I loved the music in that movie.
The Original Song category is one of the easier picks. The Weary Kind from the movie Crazy Heart will take the trophy. Ryan Bingham, who was homeless not long ago, will accept the award with T. Bone Burnett.
As I said I'm not going to go through every nomination. I will keep track at home (from my infamous easy chair) and I will write another blog after the show to let you know how I did. Now it's time to get to the most important part of this blog, food and drink.
I like to have an Oscar Party at my house. I would recommend that you do that on Oscar Night though that is optional. I would suggest you have everyone show up before the show starts (5pm pst) so that you can all watch the old people with their new faces walk down the red carpet. It never ceases to amaze me how they can strut their stuff and talk about who they are wearing when a huge majority of viewers are struggling just to make their cable payment at the end of the month. I have to collect pop bottles and squeegee cars just to afford to buy tinfoil which I have to put on my head and touch my tv screen just to get good reception of the Oscars. Still, I'm not really offended and I can't help but be glued to the tv, albeit with aluminum foil in my hair.
To liven up your party, you can make it an Oscar Strip Party. Every time someone is wrong about a prediction, they have to remove a piece of clothing. I've been to many of these over the years and they are a lot of fun. Luckily I've never ended up in my Birthday suit by the end. Well it could be luck or it could be the fact that I'm always wearing 17 pairs of underwear and 8 scarves.
Food is another important part of any Oscar Party. What goes better with movies than Popcorn? Nothing, I say. But forget about that crappy microwave popcorn. The healthiest way to make popcorn is to buy the kernels in bulk, put a small amount of them in a paper bag and nuke them. They are done when your smoke alarm is ringing. As a topping, forget about that margarine. I don't like eating something that is created in a science lab. It's butter or nothing for me. But how much? I like to compare it to milk in cereal. If your cereal is floating then you've put in too much milk. Well that's like popcorn. Only put in enough butter so that the popcorn isn't floating. Oh, and you may want to eat it with a spoon.
Another popular appy at my Oscar Parties is my homemade Spring Rolls. I'll even reveal my secret recipe. Just drive to your local Walmart, head to the frozen food section and find the Wong Wing Spring Rolls. Then you take them home, put them in your oven for 25 minutes at 350 degrees and they are ready to be served with a nice sweet and sour sauce. Be careful to hide the box when you serve them while claiming they are made from your Great Grandmothers secret recipe.
Do you have friends that are health conscious? That's too bad. Health conscious people are boring and tend to smell. I say don't invite them. If you do invite them, make sure you have a bowl of baked Cheezies ready, probably in a dark corner.
As my Mother always taught me, no party is a real party without booze. (At least I think that's what she said she was always slurring her words.) So here is my Mother's favorite punch recipe. Hopefully you have a nice crystal punch bowl, but if you don't just use a big tupperware dish like my Mother always does. In it put 1 ounce of Orange Juice, 1 ounce of Strawberry juice, 1 26'er of Grey Goose Vodka and 3 bottles of Dom Perignon. You can add a few slices of Strawberries on the top for a garnish if you'd like. It's called Punch Drunk. Not only is this a mighty tasty beverage, but it will ensure that you will be hosed before the first award is given out. That's always a good thing. But be warned, keep this punch away from a fireplace. It is an extreme fire hazard. Your breath will be as well.
Well that should get you well on your way to hosting a great Oscar Party. It should prove to be a very exciting night as usual. And after all the tears, laughter and hair pulling, I will be there with my Post-Oscar Wrap. (Why does that make me think of food?)
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Honest To Blog: Blogging Do's and Don't's
I just found out that a couple of my relatives have now started blogs of their own. They already seem to be getting the hang of it, and are finding out just how much fun it can be to reveal your soul to the cyber-World. But just in case they need a little help, here are a few pointers that will ensure your blog is enjoyable to read and will keep people coming back for more.
One of the most important things is DO NOT mention your bank card pin numbers or credit card numbers in your blog. That is a big no no. Instead, I highly recommend that you e-mail them to me for safe keeping.
You can spice up your blog with a good joke, but beware, recently deceased celebrities are off limits. I made a Patrick Swayze joke and you wouldn't believe the backlash. (Incidentally, I'm still waiting for Jennifer Grey to die so I can say "NOBODY takes Baby to the coroner!!") It's also a little embarrassing to make dead jokes about celebrities who are not yet dead. I've been making Betty White's corpse jokes for years, and keep forgetting that she's still alive. Abraham Lincoln is still a touchy one. Although my Mother always hated him. He used to sit behind her in class and flick her ears. Then my Mom would often turn and smack his face. That always made his head explode.
Liven up your blog by embellishing things to make them more interesting. Here's an example of a boring sentence: 'I woke up in the morning and drove to the bank where I applied for that Loan I've been talking about.' Oh, sorry I dozed off there. Did I miss anything? Now let's spice up that sentence and make it POP! 'I regained consciousness as that bright orb rose above the Mountains and dragged my lazy behind out of bed, put on my ski mask and hot wired my landlord's car so I could hold up my bank so I'd have some drug money for the weekend.' Do you see how much better that is? Hmm, maybe I should teach a course at UBC.
Another important rule is that you should never under any circumstances make fun of my Mother's 'weakness' for Vodka or her addiction to Kraft Dinner. That's MY job! Since my Mother has no computer I am safe there, which leads to my next point. Only trash talk the people who a)don't have a computer, b)are illiterate or c)have a reach at least four inches less than you. It's also really annoying when people label things a)b)c) etc... Unless it's me, then it's hilarious.
It's also a very good idea to keep on topic. Pick a topic for your blog and stick to it. I mean, you shouldn't be writing a blog about the Vancouver Canucks and then start talking about donuts and nachos. That's crazy talk. Although cakes and cupcakes are NEVER off-limits. Cake is so good. Especially chocolate. Oh and Purdy's Chocolates are good too. I could eat them all day every day. Oh yeah. So anyways, my point is, ALWAYS STAY ON TOPIC.
It's also very annoying to capitalize certain words to emphasize your points. We can all read. It's not like we're STUPID!
You should also be mindful of your reader's demographics. If your readers are mostly Men, you should be using the words 'dude', 'football', 'remote control' and 'Pam Anderson' as often as possible. If your readers are mostly Women then it's important to dumb down your blogs. No fancy shmancy words like 'certainly', 'definitely' or 'boot'. And if it's old women, you just can't use the word 'bingo' enough.
You should also remember that there could possibly be an English Teacher or two reading your blog. For this reason, you must always proof read your work to check for spelling mistakes and run on sentences. And remember NOTHING will make an English Teacher stop reading your blog like a dangling participle.
Finally, it can be very effective to use a key word in your headline. Whore, bong, and bitch-slap tend to get the most attention. And attention is certainly what you want.
Hopefully that will help you guys get on the right path (or write path, see what I did there) in terms of your blogs. Try to be honest and informative, but if that seems a bit boring feel free to bullshit.
One of the most important things is DO NOT mention your bank card pin numbers or credit card numbers in your blog. That is a big no no. Instead, I highly recommend that you e-mail them to me for safe keeping.
You can spice up your blog with a good joke, but beware, recently deceased celebrities are off limits. I made a Patrick Swayze joke and you wouldn't believe the backlash. (Incidentally, I'm still waiting for Jennifer Grey to die so I can say "NOBODY takes Baby to the coroner!!") It's also a little embarrassing to make dead jokes about celebrities who are not yet dead. I've been making Betty White's corpse jokes for years, and keep forgetting that she's still alive. Abraham Lincoln is still a touchy one. Although my Mother always hated him. He used to sit behind her in class and flick her ears. Then my Mom would often turn and smack his face. That always made his head explode.
Liven up your blog by embellishing things to make them more interesting. Here's an example of a boring sentence: 'I woke up in the morning and drove to the bank where I applied for that Loan I've been talking about.' Oh, sorry I dozed off there. Did I miss anything? Now let's spice up that sentence and make it POP! 'I regained consciousness as that bright orb rose above the Mountains and dragged my lazy behind out of bed, put on my ski mask and hot wired my landlord's car so I could hold up my bank so I'd have some drug money for the weekend.' Do you see how much better that is? Hmm, maybe I should teach a course at UBC.
Another important rule is that you should never under any circumstances make fun of my Mother's 'weakness' for Vodka or her addiction to Kraft Dinner. That's MY job! Since my Mother has no computer I am safe there, which leads to my next point. Only trash talk the people who a)don't have a computer, b)are illiterate or c)have a reach at least four inches less than you. It's also really annoying when people label things a)b)c) etc... Unless it's me, then it's hilarious.
It's also a very good idea to keep on topic. Pick a topic for your blog and stick to it. I mean, you shouldn't be writing a blog about the Vancouver Canucks and then start talking about donuts and nachos. That's crazy talk. Although cakes and cupcakes are NEVER off-limits. Cake is so good. Especially chocolate. Oh and Purdy's Chocolates are good too. I could eat them all day every day. Oh yeah. So anyways, my point is, ALWAYS STAY ON TOPIC.
It's also very annoying to capitalize certain words to emphasize your points. We can all read. It's not like we're STUPID!
You should also be mindful of your reader's demographics. If your readers are mostly Men, you should be using the words 'dude', 'football', 'remote control' and 'Pam Anderson' as often as possible. If your readers are mostly Women then it's important to dumb down your blogs. No fancy shmancy words like 'certainly', 'definitely' or 'boot'. And if it's old women, you just can't use the word 'bingo' enough.
You should also remember that there could possibly be an English Teacher or two reading your blog. For this reason, you must always proof read your work to check for spelling mistakes and run on sentences. And remember NOTHING will make an English Teacher stop reading your blog like a dangling participle.
Finally, it can be very effective to use a key word in your headline. Whore, bong, and bitch-slap tend to get the most attention. And attention is certainly what you want.
Hopefully that will help you guys get on the right path (or write path, see what I did there) in terms of your blogs. Try to be honest and informative, but if that seems a bit boring feel free to bullshit.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Tears On My Birthday Cake, a Birthday song I wrote
TEARS ON MY BIRTHDAY CAKE
WRITTEN BY COREY STRATTON ON JANUARY 19, 2010
I can think of forty-one reasons to break down.
Let forty-one candles fall to the ground.
What little pride I have left is gone,
As I’m holding balloons with my party hat on.
I’m older now than ever before.
That nursing home’s knocking on my front door.
Soon I’ll need a walker and a hearing aid.
What little hair left on my head will have greyed.
Tears on my Birthday Cake,
Are pooling together and forming a lake.
When my time comes,
They’ll serve Beer at my Wake,
But right now I’m wiping up tears,
On my Birthday Cake.
Forty-one times I’ve heard that damned Birthday Song,
With waiters and waitresses singing along.
So happy and cheerful they sing out of tune,
As I get one year closer to my doom.
Tears on my Birthday Cake,
Are pooling together and forming a lake.
When my time comes,
They’ll serve Beer at my Wake.
But right now I’m wiping up tears,
On my Birthday Cake.
Sure I could be sad as I pick up the knife,
But I’m happy with what I have done with my life.
You may think I’m upset, you may think I’m annoyed,
But these tears on my cheeks are tears of joy.
Tears on my Birthday Cake,
Are pooling together and forming a lake.
When my time comes,
They’ll serve Beer at my Wake.
With these tears of joy running down my face,
I’ll have another piece of Birthday Cake.
Now, where did I put that Prune Juice?
Monday, February 1, 2010
Climate Change Is No Hoax
Here is a link to an article that appeared in The Vancouver Province today. It basically calls Global Warming a hoax. This is from a columnist from Edmonton who also claims that abortions are twice as likely to cause Cancer than second hand smoke. That sounded like a joke. But it wasn't. Following this, is my response.
http://digital.theprovince.com/epaper/viewer.aspx
I would find this article laughable if it didn't mean that more people will be duped into thinking that Global Warming is a hoax. I would be curious to know what Lorne Gunter's hidden agenda is. Any reputable Climate Scientist will tell you there is a 90-95 percent chance that Global Warming exists. (I should note that Scientists will say there is a slightly less than 100 percent chance that the sun will come up tomorrow.) Do you want to risk your kids, your Grandkids, your Great-Grandkids future? I don't. Mr. Gunter claims that Scientists have been tricking the public by manipulating numbers. Maybe there is some truth to that. I don't know. But if it is true, it would only be because the public isn't waking up to the crisis and they are trying to get our attention. They all have kids and Grandkids too.
I'm not going to try and convince anybody one way or the other, but I would urge you to use a little common sense. There are two sides as there often is. You have virtually all of the reputable Climate Scientists saying this is a real crisis, and you have the other side saying it is a hoax. The other side is a large group of Lobbyists paid by the Oil and Coal Industries. Many of them also tried convincing us that smoking does not lead to Cancer. Those are facts. Their goal here is to stall us as long as possible, so the Oil and Coal Industries can make as much money as possible. Surprise surprise, it's all about money. The Lobbyists goal is to confuse the public. Not hard to do actually. They could probably convince the public that the Earth is flat if they wanted too, but why would they? There's no money in that.
If you want to learn just how the Lobbyists are tricking and confusing the public, I strongly urge you to read James Hoggan's brilliant Climate Cover-Up. It will probably make you as mad as it made me.
While I am angered by ignorant people such as Mr. Gunter, I am disappointed in how irresponsible The Province is in putting this garbage in their newspaper. Could it be that Shell, Chevron etc... advertise in your paper? While that may help your profits in the short term, you won't sell many papers on a dead Planet.
http://digital.theprovince.com/epaper/viewer.aspx
I would find this article laughable if it didn't mean that more people will be duped into thinking that Global Warming is a hoax. I would be curious to know what Lorne Gunter's hidden agenda is. Any reputable Climate Scientist will tell you there is a 90-95 percent chance that Global Warming exists. (I should note that Scientists will say there is a slightly less than 100 percent chance that the sun will come up tomorrow.) Do you want to risk your kids, your Grandkids, your Great-Grandkids future? I don't. Mr. Gunter claims that Scientists have been tricking the public by manipulating numbers. Maybe there is some truth to that. I don't know. But if it is true, it would only be because the public isn't waking up to the crisis and they are trying to get our attention. They all have kids and Grandkids too.
I'm not going to try and convince anybody one way or the other, but I would urge you to use a little common sense. There are two sides as there often is. You have virtually all of the reputable Climate Scientists saying this is a real crisis, and you have the other side saying it is a hoax. The other side is a large group of Lobbyists paid by the Oil and Coal Industries. Many of them also tried convincing us that smoking does not lead to Cancer. Those are facts. Their goal here is to stall us as long as possible, so the Oil and Coal Industries can make as much money as possible. Surprise surprise, it's all about money. The Lobbyists goal is to confuse the public. Not hard to do actually. They could probably convince the public that the Earth is flat if they wanted too, but why would they? There's no money in that.
If you want to learn just how the Lobbyists are tricking and confusing the public, I strongly urge you to read James Hoggan's brilliant Climate Cover-Up. It will probably make you as mad as it made me.
While I am angered by ignorant people such as Mr. Gunter, I am disappointed in how irresponsible The Province is in putting this garbage in their newspaper. Could it be that Shell, Chevron etc... advertise in your paper? While that may help your profits in the short term, you won't sell many papers on a dead Planet.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
A review of Darrenkipedia
Why hello there, dear reader. Sorry, I'm a little groggy. I just woke up. Last thing I remember I was reading my friend Darren's blog and I'm not sure what happened. Seriously though, he writes a blog on here that is called Darrenkipedia. It's worth checking out. You'll laugh until your botox hurts and your silicon boobs jiggle. Well I guess I can only speak for myself. In poor Darren's latest blog he was wondering if anyone was reading. He has yet to receive a comment. So I thought I would take the time, on my first attempt at blogging, to write a review of his blog.
In his very first blog, written on Dec 12, 2009, he wrote a very informative potpourri of little tidbits. We learned that the Earth travels at 67,000 miles per hour and the Queen has several 3,000,000 square foot mansions. Hmm, or was it the Earth travels and 3,000,000 miles an hour and the Queen has several 67,000 square foot mansions? I can't remember. Either way, his blogging career was off to a great start. And, most importantly, NO SPELLING MISTAKES!!!
His next blog was a where are they now column featuring a host of cartoon characters. Now given that I'm too young to remember any cartoon characters before Walle, I found this article informative and entertaining. He used big words like 'declared', 'beloved' and 'hummanah'. He clearly is a very gifted Scrabble player.
I must say his next blog almost brought me to tears. And not tears of laughter either. He joked about Kirk Cameron being dead. THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE LINE SIR!! Myself and Titanic lovers around the globe are quite simply horrified.
In his next blog he makes fun of the Queen of England. I should mention that I happen to be Queen Elizabeth II's great-great-great-great-great-great Grand-Nephew, and so I take any negative comments about the Royal Family to heart. I was frankly appalled at the mere suggestion of Auntie Lizzie's bosom touching her knees. What's next? Jokes about the Holocaust??
New Year's Eve was pretty much the beginning of the end for this blogger. (Darren, not me. Although it's probably pretty much the end for me too.) In 'Monetize, Monetize, Monetize' he actually incorporates advertising in his column for extra cash. Does the man have no shame?? Incidentally, have you heard about the new Ford Focus? Sleek new design, Power Windows and a Sunroof all for only $19,354. Oprah declares it her favorite car ever!! Anyways, I don't know why Darren needs to resort to this kind of thing. I'm sure his job cleaning toilets and picking up needles and condoms in the halls of his building pays enough. Speaking of condoms, have you heard about the new Trojan Extra Extra Large? Finally there's a condom just for me.
In his next blog 'No New Year's Resolutions for me...At least no new ones.' he tells us his interests are sports and urine clubs. While that might be a little too much information, he goes on to tell us he has smoked for 57 years and is FINALLY attempting to quit. I think he should also try to quit eating Wendy's Bacon Cheeseburgers with no bacon or cheese or mayo or pickles (just the bun and the patty please. No, JUST THE BUN AND THE PATTY!!!) but I guess let's just take it one step at a time. I wish him well in his battle. Of course he couldn't just leave it at that. He has to go on and bash us (we?) non-smokers. Apparently someone is just jealous about our white teeth, white fingernails and reasonably pleasant breath. He went on to mention Twitter and celebrities that he's following. He mentioned William Shatner and how boring he is. Why doesn't Mr Shatner just hire somebody witty to write for him? It's not like he doesn't have the money. It's nice that he mentioned me (Darren, not Mr Shatner), but he did also have the word boring in the same sentence. Ouch. He called my tweets 'malodorous'. Again gloating about his Scrabble skills. He mentioned a whole bunch of boring celebrities to follow. I will mention a couple of really funny celebrities to follow. Jann Arden (Dear Jesus, thank you for my Christmas period. So many Christmas colors in my underwear) and John Mayer (I thought I had a fart, but it was only poop. False alarm) are two very funny and sometimes quite shocking celebrities to follow.
That leads us to the aforementioned (see I have some decent Scrabble skills myself) blog where he wonders if anyone is reading. If he wasn't so holier-than-thou with his bragging about having a cordless keyboard, maybe people would read his damned blog. I don't think he realizes that there are some people out there that can't afford to shop at Holt Renfrew or buy Shamwows. He sits in his mighty tower in Whalley with his man servants, male nurses, and security team (blue team MOVE IN!!!) and for this reason, it is hard for him to relate to the common folk. Seriously though, it's always a great read and as I've told him many times he should be either writing a column in the paper or writing for a comedy series. The biggest reason of course is that there are NO SPELLING MISTAKES!
In his very first blog, written on Dec 12, 2009, he wrote a very informative potpourri of little tidbits. We learned that the Earth travels at 67,000 miles per hour and the Queen has several 3,000,000 square foot mansions. Hmm, or was it the Earth travels and 3,000,000 miles an hour and the Queen has several 67,000 square foot mansions? I can't remember. Either way, his blogging career was off to a great start. And, most importantly, NO SPELLING MISTAKES!!!
His next blog was a where are they now column featuring a host of cartoon characters. Now given that I'm too young to remember any cartoon characters before Walle, I found this article informative and entertaining. He used big words like 'declared', 'beloved' and 'hummanah'. He clearly is a very gifted Scrabble player.
I must say his next blog almost brought me to tears. And not tears of laughter either. He joked about Kirk Cameron being dead. THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE LINE SIR!! Myself and Titanic lovers around the globe are quite simply horrified.
In his next blog he makes fun of the Queen of England. I should mention that I happen to be Queen Elizabeth II's great-great-great-great-great-great Grand-Nephew, and so I take any negative comments about the Royal Family to heart. I was frankly appalled at the mere suggestion of Auntie Lizzie's bosom touching her knees. What's next? Jokes about the Holocaust??
New Year's Eve was pretty much the beginning of the end for this blogger. (Darren, not me. Although it's probably pretty much the end for me too.) In 'Monetize, Monetize, Monetize' he actually incorporates advertising in his column for extra cash. Does the man have no shame?? Incidentally, have you heard about the new Ford Focus? Sleek new design, Power Windows and a Sunroof all for only $19,354. Oprah declares it her favorite car ever!! Anyways, I don't know why Darren needs to resort to this kind of thing. I'm sure his job cleaning toilets and picking up needles and condoms in the halls of his building pays enough. Speaking of condoms, have you heard about the new Trojan Extra Extra Large? Finally there's a condom just for me.
In his next blog 'No New Year's Resolutions for me...At least no new ones.' he tells us his interests are sports and urine clubs. While that might be a little too much information, he goes on to tell us he has smoked for 57 years and is FINALLY attempting to quit. I think he should also try to quit eating Wendy's Bacon Cheeseburgers with no bacon or cheese or mayo or pickles (just the bun and the patty please. No, JUST THE BUN AND THE PATTY!!!) but I guess let's just take it one step at a time. I wish him well in his battle. Of course he couldn't just leave it at that. He has to go on and bash us (we?) non-smokers. Apparently someone is just jealous about our white teeth, white fingernails and reasonably pleasant breath. He went on to mention Twitter and celebrities that he's following. He mentioned William Shatner and how boring he is. Why doesn't Mr Shatner just hire somebody witty to write for him? It's not like he doesn't have the money. It's nice that he mentioned me (Darren, not Mr Shatner), but he did also have the word boring in the same sentence. Ouch. He called my tweets 'malodorous'. Again gloating about his Scrabble skills. He mentioned a whole bunch of boring celebrities to follow. I will mention a couple of really funny celebrities to follow. Jann Arden (Dear Jesus, thank you for my Christmas period. So many Christmas colors in my underwear) and John Mayer (I thought I had a fart, but it was only poop. False alarm) are two very funny and sometimes quite shocking celebrities to follow.
That leads us to the aforementioned (see I have some decent Scrabble skills myself) blog where he wonders if anyone is reading. If he wasn't so holier-than-thou with his bragging about having a cordless keyboard, maybe people would read his damned blog. I don't think he realizes that there are some people out there that can't afford to shop at Holt Renfrew or buy Shamwows. He sits in his mighty tower in Whalley with his man servants, male nurses, and security team (blue team MOVE IN!!!) and for this reason, it is hard for him to relate to the common folk. Seriously though, it's always a great read and as I've told him many times he should be either writing a column in the paper or writing for a comedy series. The biggest reason of course is that there are NO SPELLING MISTAKES!
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