I just found out that a couple of my relatives have now started blogs of their own. They already seem to be getting the hang of it, and are finding out just how much fun it can be to reveal your soul to the cyber-World. But just in case they need a little help, here are a few pointers that will ensure your blog is enjoyable to read and will keep people coming back for more.
One of the most important things is DO NOT mention your bank card pin numbers or credit card numbers in your blog. That is a big no no. Instead, I highly recommend that you e-mail them to me for safe keeping.
You can spice up your blog with a good joke, but beware, recently deceased celebrities are off limits. I made a Patrick Swayze joke and you wouldn't believe the backlash. (Incidentally, I'm still waiting for Jennifer Grey to die so I can say "NOBODY takes Baby to the coroner!!") It's also a little embarrassing to make dead jokes about celebrities who are not yet dead. I've been making Betty White's corpse jokes for years, and keep forgetting that she's still alive. Abraham Lincoln is still a touchy one. Although my Mother always hated him. He used to sit behind her in class and flick her ears. Then my Mom would often turn and smack his face. That always made his head explode.
Liven up your blog by embellishing things to make them more interesting. Here's an example of a boring sentence: 'I woke up in the morning and drove to the bank where I applied for that Loan I've been talking about.' Oh, sorry I dozed off there. Did I miss anything? Now let's spice up that sentence and make it POP! 'I regained consciousness as that bright orb rose above the Mountains and dragged my lazy behind out of bed, put on my ski mask and hot wired my landlord's car so I could hold up my bank so I'd have some drug money for the weekend.' Do you see how much better that is? Hmm, maybe I should teach a course at UBC.
Another important rule is that you should never under any circumstances make fun of my Mother's 'weakness' for Vodka or her addiction to Kraft Dinner. That's MY job! Since my Mother has no computer I am safe there, which leads to my next point. Only trash talk the people who a)don't have a computer, b)are illiterate or c)have a reach at least four inches less than you. It's also really annoying when people label things a)b)c) etc... Unless it's me, then it's hilarious.
It's also a very good idea to keep on topic. Pick a topic for your blog and stick to it. I mean, you shouldn't be writing a blog about the Vancouver Canucks and then start talking about donuts and nachos. That's crazy talk. Although cakes and cupcakes are NEVER off-limits. Cake is so good. Especially chocolate. Oh and Purdy's Chocolates are good too. I could eat them all day every day. Oh yeah. So anyways, my point is, ALWAYS STAY ON TOPIC.
It's also very annoying to capitalize certain words to emphasize your points. We can all read. It's not like we're STUPID!
You should also be mindful of your reader's demographics. If your readers are mostly Men, you should be using the words 'dude', 'football', 'remote control' and 'Pam Anderson' as often as possible. If your readers are mostly Women then it's important to dumb down your blogs. No fancy shmancy words like 'certainly', 'definitely' or 'boot'. And if it's old women, you just can't use the word 'bingo' enough.
You should also remember that there could possibly be an English Teacher or two reading your blog. For this reason, you must always proof read your work to check for spelling mistakes and run on sentences. And remember NOTHING will make an English Teacher stop reading your blog like a dangling participle.
Finally, it can be very effective to use a key word in your headline. Whore, bong, and bitch-slap tend to get the most attention. And attention is certainly what you want.
Hopefully that will help you guys get on the right path (or write path, see what I did there) in terms of your blogs. Try to be honest and informative, but if that seems a bit boring feel free to bullshit.
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