My Last Minute Half-Assed Run Of The Mill Oscar Picks

Trust me to leave things to the last minute. It's in my nature. I have watched all nine of the best picture nominees, four of them in the last 23 hours. But that's okay. I was completely sober for one of them, so that's gotta count for something.

I just finished watching the last one, Hell Or High Water (sort of Thelma & Louise meets Sausage Party) and due to technical issues with the box that I watched it on (my lawyer suggests that in the event that this aforementioned box is illegal that I just say I saw all of these movies in the theatre) I was left with very little time to write this. Let this be a lesson to all of you young bloggers out there. It is always good to begin with an excuse as to why your blog sucks. Throw in a shout out to getting drunk and you have just taken the pressure and the expectations off mother fucker!!

This is my fifth or sixth annual Oscar predictions blog. My record speaks for itself. It pretty much has to. My memory isn't good so I have no idea how I have done. Or where I am. But I am pretty sure among the major categories I have done quite well. This year I have not seen any of the foreign films, none of the documentaries (strangely Michael Moore's brilliant Who To Invade Next? wasn't nominated), none of the animated movies (or as my Mother calls them 'artsy talkies'), and I haven't heard any of the songs nominated. That makes me about as qualified to write this as Trump is to be the US President. And speaking of bat-shit crazy psychopaths, Mel Gibson's extremely average Hacksaw Ridge is nominated for six Oscars including Best Picture, but it will likely come away with nothing.

Of the nine Best Picture nominations, three stood out to me the most. Lion, an amazing and at times heartbreaking true story about a lost boy, received six nominations. Dev Patel plays the boy all grown up. While he is deservedly nominated for best supporting actor I would suggest that Sunny Pawar, who plays the young Saroo, was even better. This kid is going to be a star. I suppose you could say that he already is. I won't give away anything but if I told you I didn't have tears running down my face as I left the theatre I would be Lion. (See what I did there?) While the credits rolled they showed the real people. It looks like they stuck very closely to the story. And this is a story that needed to be told.

The second one I loved is Manchester By The Sea. Nominated for six Oscars, it is gut wrenchingly, unthinkably sad at times. Beautifully shot, with a great script and understated acting, the story unfolds slowly with the use of subtle yet effective flashbacks. Casey Affleck was at his best in the lead role. He is one of the favourites for Best Actor. Michelle Williams is nominated for Supporting Actress and she really shows off her acting chops towards the end. I so want to give things away. If I am drunk enough by the end of typing this I just might start doing that. (Bruce Willis is dead in Sixth Sense!!)

The third movie that I loved was Hidden Figures. Nominated for three Oscars, this is also based on a true story and takes place in the early 60s as NASA is trying to send man into space. It is a story about black (gasp!) female (double gasp!) mathematicians hidden behind the scenes, trying to make this happen. Taraji P Henson was terrific in the lead role and in my opinion she should have been nominated. Octavia Spencer did get a nomination for Supporting Actress. It seems once you win an Oscar then you just keep getting nominated. Great movie though, and one of the most entertaining movies of the bunch.

The movie that is expected to sweep the awards is La La Land. Nominated for fourteen Oscars. While I thought it was a really good movie, it dragged in parts, and seemed a little bit long. But since I did stay awake in the theatre for the whole movie, it couldn't have been that bad. The opening scene was pretty spectacular. A freeway in Los Angeles at a stand still and people out dancing and singing on and around their cars. Right away you know this isn't going to be another gritty drama.

Of the best picture nominees, three of them (in my not so humble opinion) shouldn't be there. Fences (brilliantly acted, Viola Davis WILL win, and Denzel Washington just might) just wasn't very entertaining. Amaze me with the acting, dazzle me with the cinematography, move me with the music, intrigue me with the writing, but for the love of President Bannon ENTERTAIN me!!! Moonlight also was a little on the dull side. It just felt to me that they were trying too hard for Oscar nominations. I hate that shit. And as for Hacksaw Ridge, I would call it a slightly above average war movie that is only on this list because Mel Gibson directed it. There I said it. I feel better. I need another Amaretto and coke. (Hiccup).

Time is a wasting. And I still have to make devilled eggs and put the chicken wings in the oven. Let's get to this. Here are my Oscar Picks for the Academy Awards 2017.

Short Film (Live Action):

We are going to start small and work our way up. No skipping ahead Mom! Since I haven't watched any of these (nobody got time fo' dat!) I will take a guess. Most of the Academy won't watch these either. Some of them will mistake this Sing with the animated Sing. so that is my pick. Sing!

Short Film (Animated):

Sources are telling me that Piper should win. But I am picking Borrowed Time just because of the name. Sounds like a winner. (Aren't I amazing?!)

Production Design:

La La Land. Who cares. Let's move on!

Visual Effects:

This should clearly go to The Jungle Book if there is any justice.

Sound Editing:

If you have read my previous Oscar blogs then you should know the damned difference between editing and mixing. (Mixing by the way is what my Mother is doing right now in Mexico) La La Land is the favourite here, but I am going to go with Arrival. Another great movie this year that I should mention.

Sound Mixing:

Often, because the damned Academy don't know the difference between mixing and editing, the same movie wins both of these. I will predict this year will be different. I will pick Hacksaw Ridge. And I take back what I said earlier about Hacksaw Ridge being shutout. But does sound mixing really count? That is kind of like winning best Polka album at the Grammys.

Music (Original Song):

Since La La Land is nominated for 14 Oscars and is a musical, how could it not win this? And I vaguely remember hearing City Of Stars so let's go with that. (Jeez, I am like a scientist!)

Music (Original Score):

I was really disappointed that Arrival didn't get a nomination. I haven't seen Jackie, but Passengers was a steaming pile of d*g shit (hmm, that star probably could have been better placed). I think La La Land pretty much has to win this one too.

Makeup and Hairstyling:

This should really be my expertise, but I have no idea. Let's go with Star Trek Beyond.

Foreign Language Film:

Iran's The Salesman has been getting attention lately (partially because the director has boycotted the show because of the recent travel ban), but I pick Sweden's A Man Called Ove. Sounds sad. Who would name their kid Ove? Sounds like child abuse to me. And those types of movies win awards.

Film Editing:

A tough category. But when in doubt go with the one that is sweeping the awards. La La Land.

Documentary (Short Subject):

Eeny meeny miney moe. The White Helmets.

Documentary (Feature):

I Am Not Your Negro, and 13th have some Oscar buzz, but my sources (CNN and Dick Cheney) tell me that OJ: Made In America will win this one.

Costume Design:

La La Land. By a mile.

Cinematography:

I would love to give this to Lion, but La La Land is the heavy favourite. I will go with that.

Animated Feature:

I am hearing this is a two horse race, and neither of them is Moana. Kubo And The Two Strings has some momentum but I think Zootopia is going to win.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay):

I would probably go with Arrival. But it sounds like Moonlight is going to win.

Writing (Original Screenplay):

Manchester By The Sea is the clear winner in this one. I won't be happy if La La Land wins this too.

Actress In A Supporting Role:

I was surprised Viola Davis was nominated in this category. Clearly it was a lead performance in Fences. But I did the Google and read that she submitted for the supporting category because it is less competitive. That has to be true since I read it on the Worldwide Web! Either way this is her award. May as well give it to her now.

Actor In A Supporting Role:

Mahershala Ali is the clear favourite here for his brief but effective performance in Moonlight. But I will predict that Jeff Bridges will pull an upset for his performance as a sheriff trying to catch bank robbers in West Texas.

Actress In A Leading Role:

Meryl Streep is nominated (of course) but I have not heard any buzz at all for her. None. Isabelle Huppert could pull an upset but I am going with Emma Stone for her performance in La La Land.

Actor In A Leading Role:

Denzel Washington won the Golden Globe for his performance in Fences, which he also directed. That gives him momentum. But Casey Affleck's performance was so incredible, so pitch perfect, that I am going to give this to him. And Denzel has already won two. Don't be greedy, bro.

Best Director:

While I would be happy to see Kenneth Lonergan pull an upset with his brilliant Manchester By The Sea, I think Damien Chazelle will win for La La Land.

Best Picture:

And the big moment will be anti climactic. No drum roll necessary. La La Land will win best pick. And if (sorry, when) I am right with all of my predictions, that would give La La Land 9 Oscars in total. It's amazing what you can do with a measly $30 million budget.

Well that does it for my Oscar picks. I will be sure to leave it to the last minute once again next year. I am hoping for some Trump bashing from host Jimmy Kimmel and some big time political statements from some of the winners. And blah blah blah. I am starting to sober up. I need to get another drink and put those wings in the oven.

The Academy Awards 2015: And The Winners Are...

For me, the year 2014 saw a rise in responsibilities and obligations, and a fall in spare time. An increase in stress and headaches, and a decrease in sleep. What little down time I did have was divided up between watching movies and playing Candy Crush. (I'm on level 796 I'll have you know.)  Despite this, I was able to watch a majority of the contenders this year. I even stayed awake for some of them. Overall I think it was a strong year for movies, and among the Oscar nominees there are surprises, as always, and snubs, as usual.


Neil Patrick Harris (or as I call him, Doogie) is hosting this year. Ellen DeGeneres hosted last year. That's two gays in a row. What the Hell?! They're letting them host awards shows now? What's next? Marriage? Sheesh! Sexual preferences aside, I think Dougie will do a great job and I look forward to a big song and dance opening. My sources (Kim Kardashian and Rush Limbaugh) tell me it's going to be fantastic. No. Legen-dary.


Oscar time is an exciting time. A time to celebrate the best in Hollywood. A time to eat, drink and tweet. Oh yes there will be appys. (Although, truth be told, I would make appys for my own hunger strike). And I have a bottle of tequila just waiting to evaporate. Every year I play the drinking game. Last year I had a shot every time Ellen said 'Look at those perky boobs!' I wouldn't say I got hammered, but I did have a buzz. This year I'm having a shot every time Doogie says 'The'. By the end of the show I'll probably be stammering like my Mother. And who knows how incoherent my live tweets (@coreyoke1) will be by the time all is said and done.


Where else can you watch millionaires strut around in their million dollar dresses wearing their multi million dollar jewellery only to what? Receive a goodie bag worth $160,00? You can't make this shit up. I'm pretty sure I'm in the wrong line of work.


Academy Awards predictions are becoming serious business. I will make my lame and often insulting and tasteless jokes, but now that you can bet on the winners and potentially make some serious coin, this is no laughing matter. I should really be charging money for my services. For I have done my homework. Not only have I seen movie after movie but I've also talked to actual Academy members (okay, one was interviewed on CNN today and she sounded like a real whack job, well Nun, same thing), I've consulted psychics, and read newspaper articles (well, looked at the pictures). I feel pretty damned confident that I have the complete list of winners right here. Or your money back.


If I'm not mistaken (and I often am) this is my 3rd annual Academy Awards blog. It just so happens to be my first the night before. The others were written mere moments before the ball drops. Wait. That's New Year's Eve. Umm, the others were written while overpaid, pompous bulimics pranced the red carpet. In other words I had to be brief. I had shit to cook. Right now I've got all night to ramble. And I've been drinking coffee. You just know this is going to fly off the rails. It's only a matter of time. Okay, let's do this!


Best Animated Short:


This year I'm going to start with the more obscure categories because, seriously, who kept reading once I got to this crap? Nope. I'm gonna build up to Best picture. Can you feel the suspense? Are you on the edge of your seat? Good. And no skipping. That's cheating.


Since I haven't seen any of these (that's a phrase I will be using a lot by the way), I've had to bring in a couple of really good sources (Fox News and the National Enquirer). While there are five nominees, it's really only a two horse race. The Dam Keeper was the best of the bunch this year BUT Disney's Feast will sweep in and take the prize. I hope Kanye approves or things could get ugly. Hey, would Fox News steer you wrong?


Best Live Action Short:


You guessed it. I haven't seen any of these. (Hey, we've been through this. I don't have a lot of time and level 756 of Candy Crush took me over a month!) Boogaloo And Graham is nominated, and I can tell you with complete (un)certainty that a movie with the word 'Boogaloo' has never won a damned Oscar. That's a lesson for you young kids out there. When you are writing a screenplay and looking for a title, don't use 'Boogaloo'. Virtually anything else. Just not Boogaloo. (Don't say that this isn't educational). Right there our odds go from 20% to 25%. (Oh, I also consulted mathematicians. I forgot.) In fact the only decent title of the bunch is The Phone Call. And there's your winner. (Clearly, with that logic, I should be a member of the voting academy.)


Best Documentary Short:


Since American Sniper has taken theatres by storm and become the biggest war movie of all time (Americans love a nice blood bath), I would lean towards Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1. Since American Sniper won't win anything tonight, to keep the peace, this movie will win. Trust me, you don't want to piss off the gun-loving (and sister-loving but that's beside the point) rednecks. They are armed and they are just looking for a reason.


Best Documentary Feature:


CitizenFour will win this, hands down. No seriously. Put your hands down. I'm busy writing this. I don't have time for questions.


Best Foreign Film:


FINALLY I can say that I have watched one of these. And I watched it tonight. Ida is beautifully filmed in black and white and I'm quite confident that it will win. Why, you ask? (Again with the questions!) It's also the only film in this category to have another nomination. Best cinematography. That's good enough for me.


Best Hair And Makeup:


It's a weak year for hair and makeup. There are only three nominees. None of them really stood out to me so I'm just going to go eeny-meeny-miney Guardians Of The Galaxy. Might not want to put too much money on that though. Grand Budapest Hotel could win this as well.


Best Visual Effects:


Clearly a two horse race here between Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes (a movie that I loved) and Interstellar (a movie that was mostly snubbed by the Academy and I think could have easily been nominated for Best Picture). Either one of these would be worthy winners, but I'm pretty confident that the Academy will give this to Interstellar and not those Damned Dirty Apes!


Best Costume:


Not a particularly strong year for this category either (what the Hell? Did the gays take the year off?!) I'd say it's between The Grand Budapest Hotel and the annoyingly dull Into The Woods that even Meryl the Great herself couldn't save. I'll give it to Budapest.


Best Sound Editing:


I had my ears tested a few months ago. Not good. Please take that into consideration before you plunk down a few grand on my picks for sound editing and mixing. I'm lucky if I can hear what people are saying never mind how the damned sounds are edited. By the time The Academy Awards 2016 comes along I'll be all Helen Keller. (Yes, I now need reading glasses too. Sigh.) That said, I think these are the only two categories that American Sniper has a shot at. (Ooh, see what I did there?) But no, I'll go with Birdman. Only because Clint Eastwood is a dick. There. I said it. I feel better. More coffee.


Best Sound Mixing:


I explained the difference between sound editing and sound mixing so eloquently in last year's Oscar blog so feel free to read it if you need to. I'm going to go with Birdman again for mixing, although Whiplash could pull an upset.


Best Score:


Johann Johannson (there are a couple of accents above the o's but I don't know how to do that, just pretend they are there) won the Golden Globe for his original score in The Theory Of Everthing. That's good enough for me. He will just beat out Alexandre Desplat (no accents) for The Grand Budapest Hotel AND The Imitation Game (no one likes a show off).


Best Original Song:


This will be between Glen Campbell's I'll be Me and John Legend's Glory from Selma which was largely overlooked by the Academy. While it also received a Best Picture nomination, David Oyelowo was brilliant as Martin Luther King Jr and deserved a Best Actor nomination. Ava DuVernay also could've been nominated for Best Director. (But that mostly old, white male Academy can't encourage black women to direct movies now, can they? What's next? President?) Give this one to Selma's Glory.


Best Production Design:


I'd say this is between Into The Woods and The Grand Budapest Hotel. We'll (that would be me) go with The Grand Budapest Hotel just because I'm still bitter that Into The Woods stole two hours and nine minutes of my life that I could've spent playing Candy Crush.


Best Editing:


This is probably my toughest category because, if you've been paying attention to this blog, you'll know that I don't know much about editing. My source (Brian Williams) seems to be favoring Boyhood. All the more reason for me to pick Whiplash. I loved the movie, although I hear that drummers do not like it. That's okay. Drummers are weird.


Best Cinematography:


This ones a lock. Birdman will win. Guarandamnteed.


Best Animated Feature:


Another extremely tough category. I raced (by raced I mean 'waddled', I mean really, who am I kidding?) to the theatre when The Lego Movie came out because I was convinced that it was going to win for this category and it was an opportunity to take one off the list. Oops. Not even bleeping...oops, pardon my language, not even fucking nominated. (Well that was a waste of $15 for the 3-d ticket and another $20 for the popcorn combo in the extra large Lego Movie bucket.) I'll narrow this down to How To Train Your Dragon 2, Big Hero 6 and The Boxtrolls. Now comes the hard part. The Boxtrolls isn't likely to pull an upset so let's narrow it down to Disney or DreamWorks. DreamWorks tends to be a little more aggressive in their bribing so we'll go with Big Hero 6. (Do I even need to mention that I haven't seen any of these?)


Best Adapted Screenplay:


Now for my favorite two categories. The writing ones. This is my dream job. You don't have to leave your house. You don't have to lose weight for a role. You don't even have to do your damned hair. And nobody asks for an autograph while you are looking for the best deal on toilet paper in aisle 7 at Walmart. And yes, you need to find the best deal, because the actors and producers are the ones making all the money.


This is a close race between Imitation Game, Whiplash and The Theory Of Everything but I will give it to Imitation Game. Just a gut feeling, and Sylvia Browne always told me to go with my gut feeling. Of course it could just be gas.


Best Original Screenplay:


This is between Birdman, Budapest and Boyhood (there's some serious alliteration right there) and I will pick Birdman.


Best Supporting Actor:


While Ed Norton (Birdman) and Mark Ruffalo (Foxcatcher) were great in their roles, JK Simmons was brilliant and will win the award. (He scares me).


Best Supporting Actress:


Emma Stone (Birdman) could pull a bit of an upset here but I have a few good sources (Whitney Houston and Joan Rivers) who insist that Patricia Arquette will win for Boyhood and I just can't argue with those two. No really. I can't. Because they are dead.


Best Actor:


This comes down to Michael Keaton (Birdman) who is essentially playing himself, and Eddie Redmayne (The Theory Of Everything) who brilliantly does not go full retard (yeah, I just had to go there). This may be the closest race of the night and both would be well deserving but since I have to pick (can there be a tie? Not sure. Feel free to Google that shit) I'm going to pick Eddie Redmayne. (Incidentally, I think the third best performance of the year was probably Jake Gyllenhaal (Nightcrawler) who was snubbed big time.)


Best Actress:


This is another absolute lock. I watched Julianne Moore in Still Alice a few nights ago and was stunned at her performance as a woman struggling with early Alzheimer's disease. It was like watching my Mother. (We didn't really think she had a problem until she couldn't remember how to get to the liquor store.)  It's a great movie that I highly recommend (yes I stayed awake) and one of the best performances that you will ever see.


Best Director:


This is between Richard Linklater (Boyhood) and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu  (LOTS of accents and a weird squiggly thing in his last name, again, use your imagination) (Birdman). Boyhood actually took 12 years to film and the main star (Ellar Coltrane) was 6 when they began and 18 by the end. There I go with the math again. It was a great movie that was very tastefully done by a top notch director and I'll pick him to win. But it's a close race.


Best Picture:


For those of you who skipped ahead, and you know who you are (and you missed some pretty good jokes at my Mother's expense) you should feel shame. Now for the big moment of the night. (Imagine a drum roll in your head, it builds up the suspense). The best picture of the year is...pause for dramatic effect, fumble with the envelope, BIRDMAN!


That gives (if my calculations are correct, and they often aren't) Boyhood, Whiplash, The Theory Of Everything and The Grand Budapest Hotel two Oscars apiece, and Birdman is the big winner with five awards.


Now you can hop a flight to Vegas or call your bookie. By tomorrow you could be retiring in some beautiful tropical paradise and spending the rest of your days drinking Chi Chis. You can thank me later. And enjoy the show. Now bring on Doogie!

The Academy Awards 2014 - The Winners Are...

Another great year at the movies. It's been more challenging than ever for me to see all the nominated movies. (Two words: Candy Crush.) I also like to watch movies that were overlooked. I'm still frustrated that I wasn't able to watch Grownups 2, but I imagine that Adam Sandler has a legitimate beef.
Thanks to Redbox and Netflix US we were able to watch a lot of the movies without paying a lot of money. (Okay, so we watched two movies illegally on the computer too, but only because we were desperate.) The people in Hollywood are quite brilliant (well except Michael Bay, obviously) and I think they should get money for what they do. I feel shame. Despite all that, there are a few movies that we weren't able to see in time, such as August: Osage County, Saving Mr Banks, Frozen, Before Midnight and Fruitvale Station. We actually went to the Encore theatre in West Kelowna to watch August: Osage County but we had to get tickets at the concession and the lineup was so long that we were still in line when it started so we left. True story. And Encore, you may want to hire someone to work the ticket booth. Sheesh.
I'm currently watching the Red Carpet coverage in my Fruit O' The Looms. (Don't worry, I won't post a pic.) Nothing like leaving this until the last minute. Okay, I have devilled eggs and chicken wings to make, so let's do this.


Best Picture:


To me, the best picture this year was The Wolf Of Wall Street, but I'm not picking who I WANT to win but who WILL win. 12 Years A Slave will walk away with the big trophy this year. Gravity could pull an upset but my sources (Rolling Stone Magazine) tell me that won't happen.


Best Actor:


This may be the toughest category. You could make a case for all five of them. This is probably Leo's best chance for an Oscar thus far. (Whenever I call him Leonardo he always insists I call him Leo.) But I have a feeling this is Matthew McConaughey's year. I'm not sure you should award someone because they lost a lot of weight, but that's often how the Academy works. Either way Dallas Buyer's Club is a great movie and it's a great performance.


Best Actress:


I just noticed on my sheet that Ryan has picked Sandra Bullock. How many times have I told him to stop sniffing glue?! Nope. Cate Blanchett should and will win this for the otherwise somewhat forgettable Blue Jasmine. (editor's note: Ryan has since changed his pick to Cate Blanchett. COPYCAT!!)


Best Supporting Actor:


Jared Leto gave an amazing performance in Dallas Buyer's Club. And the Academy will reward him. This one's a lock. (As if I'm ever wrong.)


Best Supporting Actress:


Hmm. Ryan's picking Lupita Nyong'o from 12 Years A Slave. Can't argue with that pick. Except you have to keep in mind that the Academy is 93% white and 76% male. (It's nice to know that they are an accurate representation of society.) They don't like to vote for somebody who's name they can't pronounce. I'm betting that Jennifer Lawrence will win again. (She's also white. Did I say that out loud?)  Now will she "accidentally" trip on the stairs again? Who knows.


Best Animated Feature:


I've only seen The Croods and thought it was quite good but clearly this will go to Frozen. One of these days I will even watch it.


Best Cinematography:


As awesome as Nebraska looked, the Academy hasn't picked a black and white movie since Casablanca. (I have no idea if that's true but I'm running out of time here. Check Wikipedia.) I'm going to have to go with Gravity. It looked incredible. If you didn't see it in 3-D in the theatre you missed out.


Best Costume Design:


I would like to see American Hustle win this one, but the Academy seems to like the big spectacle. I'll go with The Great Gatsby. (Another movie I didn't see this year but it looks dull and I fall asleep easily.)


Best Direction:


This to me seems like a two horse race. I would have no problem with Steve McQueen winning for 12 Years A Slave, but I think Alfonso Cuaron did an amazing job on Gravity and will win. He was even more important than Sandra Bullock in my opinion, yet she's the one that made $70 million (and counting) from it? Wow!


Best Documentary Feature:


I've only seen The Act Of Killing which was a very strange and disturbing movie reflecting on war in Indonesia. It wouldn't have my vote. I haven't been able to see 20 Feet From Stardom but I've been wanting to and I hear that it's really good. We'll go with that.


Best Documentary Short:


As usual I haven't seen any of these. I wonder if they are on Youtube. Too late for that. We'll just go to our usual eeny-meeny-miny-moe. Facing Fear!


Best Film Editing:


I'm kind of partial to the awesome Captain Phillips here, but I have to go with my (ample) gut. Gravity.


Best Foreign Language Film:


I've only seen one this year and it was The Hunt. (Thank you Net Flix US) It was actually one of my favorite movies of the year starring the main guy from the tv show Hannibal (no time to google his name, feel free) who could've also been nominated. I doubt any of the others could be better than this so, The Hunt.


Best Make-up And Hair:


Finally, Ryan's expertise. And he's telling me The Lone Ranger. What a weak year for this category though.


Best Song:


The Academy will not be able to overlook the power of Mandela combined with the power of Bono of U2. (And if this song doesn't win heads will roll!) Ordinary Love.


Best Production Design:


As I said the Academy loves a big spectacle which would lead towards The Great Gatsby but this time I'll make an exception and pick who I think SHOULD win. Gravity.


Best Animated Short:


Haven't seen them but most of the Academy probably hasn't either. Let's look for a catchy title. Room On The Broom. Sold!


Best Live Action Short Film:


I don't know. Helium. Let's move on.


Best Sound Editing:


People often get confused between sound editing and sound mixing. Sound editing is sound that has been edited and sound mixing is sound that has been mixed. Hope this clears things up. Gotta go with the groovy Gravity. (How's that for alliteration?)


Best Sound Mixing:


Gravity. As I was watching it in the theatre in my 3-D glasses I turned to Ryan and said "How 'bout that sound mixing?!"


Best Visual Effects:


Could this be the one Oscar for The Hobbit? No. No it couldn't. Gravity.


Best Adapted Screenplay:


The final two categories on here are my two favorite. Writers are the most underpaid yet often most brilliant people in the movie (and tv) industry. They are also arguably THE most important. I don't care how amazing Robert Deniro and Jack Nicholson are, even they couldn't save a movie as bad as Grownups 2. This year for adapted screenplay, I'm going with 12 Years A Slave.


Best Original Screenplay:


Another tough category but I think the script for Nebraska was too good and too timeless to overlook. I'll go with that.


There you have it. Time to boil the eggs and get the chicken wings in the oven. I'm expecting Ellen DeGeneres to be great. Hopefully she's not too nice. These celebrities need to be put in their place every once in awhile. I'll be live tweeting on Twitter (or The Twitter as my Mother calls it) @Coreyoke1 along with thousands of other people. It's a lot of fun. Enjoy the show!

Academy Awards 2013 - Live Tweets

5:30 – Seth McFarlane … 5:36 already edgy with the Chris Brown joke. The crowd is turning. LOVED we saw your boobs, but I’ll bet the old lady from Amour is feeling a little left out. Was that Channing Tatum? Didn’t recognize him with clothes on. LOVED the Flight sock puppet bit. Awesome. Okay, the opening segment was actually really good. Time for an award. 5:47 – Best supp actor: So happy Christoph Waltz wins for his great performance in Django Unchained. He carried the first half of that movie and was well deserving of the win even though Tommy Lee Jones and Robert Deniro were the favorites. 5:55 – Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy good bit. Best anim short film: Paperman Oops. I am 0 for 2. Not a good start. I need a drink! 5:59 – Best animated feature film: YAYYY! Brave wins. I’m 1 for 3! Time to get on a roll. 6:05 – The Avengers reunion was a bust. Best Cinematography: Life Of Pi!!! YAYYY! 2 for 4! If this movie didn’t win for Cinematography, I’m not sure it would win anything. 6:08 – Awkward moment between Samuel Jackson and Robert Downey Jr. Shit’s about to get real, Yo! Best Visual Effects: Life Of Pi!! WOOHOO!!!! 3 for 5! 6:12 – Pretty sure that Oscar winner just got eaten by a shark. Good thing they cut to Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban just in time. 6:17 – Best Costume Design: Anna Karnina. Guessed right on that one. 4 for 6! 6:19 – Best makeup and hair: Les Miserables!! Yayy! Okay, now I’m on a roll. 5 for 7. 6:21 – Halle Berry. Celebrating 50 years of Bond. ’50 years? Holy cow. That’s almost your whole life!’ – Shit Ryan says. Pretty cool montage, but all the songs they have to choose from to perform live and they choose Goldfinger?! The crowd stands but probably only to stretch their legs. A few more hours to go. 6:33 – Jamie Foxx and Kerri Washington Best Live Action Short: Curfew. Damn. And Death Of A Shadow was such a great title! How did it not win? 5 for 8. 6:35 – Best Doc Short: Inocente wins. Damn. 5 for 9. Waiter! More Tequila por favor!! 6:41 – Seth McFarlane gets booed for a Lincoln joke. It’s okay. It was a good joke. Worth it. 6:42 – Ben Affleck. Best Documentary Feature: Yes! Searching For Sugar Man!! Great movie, and the only one I’ve seen in this category. Too bad Rodriguez isn’t there to give a speech. 6 for 10. 6:50 – Best Foreign Language Film: Amour. The most obvious pick of the night. A VERY slow movie. Well done well acted but SLOW. 7 for 11. 6:52 – John Travolta. What? Seth McFarlane couldn’t come up with a massage therapist joke? Catherine Zeta Jones went sharp while lip synching. How does this happen? Jennifer Hudson is telling us she’s not going. She should really get together with Jamie Lee Curtis for Activia. Now for the Les Mis reunion. I hope it’s good. Okay, that was awesome! Very cool. 7:08 – Chris Pine and Zoe Salanda. I said that I loved her in Avatar, which really would only be funny if she WASN’T in Avatar. Oops. Here’s the big Ted moment. Not bad. 7:11 – Best Sound Mixing: Les Mis. Oops. I picked Skyfall. Seriously. What was I thinking? That’s the last time I sniff glue while making my predictions! 7 for 12. 7:14 – Best Sound Editing: It’s a tie. Zero Dark Thirty! (Yes!!! 8 for 13 BABY!!) and Skyfall. The two that accepted the award for Skyfall look like Bond villians. Or Dawg the Bounty Hunter and his wife. 7:20 – Christopher Plummer. Best Supporting Actress: Amy Adams just looked at the camera and tugged her ear. Pretty sure she was saying hi to Carol Burnett. Glad they showed a clip of Helen Hunt with clothes on. There weren’t many in The Sessions. And the winner is: Anne Hathaway. No surprise here. 9 for 14! Nice heartfelt speech from Anne. The shows been on for just about 2 hours and I’m guessing the most comfortable person in the crowd is Emmanuelle Riva from Amour. She’s probably pretty content sitting there with her diaper on. 7:29 – The President of the Academy is speaking. Time to go to the kitchen for snacks. 7:32 – Sandra Bullock. Best Film Editing: Argo. Whoops. I picked Zero Dark Thirty. You know what I think about that. (Argo fuck yourself!) 9 for 15. 7:34 – Adele singing Skyfall. Still waiting for this song to grow on me. And I LOVE Adele. Okay that makes me picture Adele having her period. (Too much?) Okay that was pretty cool. 7:45 – Best Production Design: Lincoln. YAYYY! 10 for 16. 7:50 – Salma Hayak. That dress makes her look like a Giraffe. Is she intentionally trying to sound like Gloria from Modern Family? 7:57 – The in memoriam. Not liking this song choice. Why not I’m Walking On Sunshine or Miley Ray Cyrus singing Party In the USA? I don’t recognize many names. This is making me feel young. For Tony Scott they should have played Bridge Over Troubled Water. What? Too soon? Cool. Barbra Streisand singing The Way We Were. Barbra still sounds great. One of the best moments of the night. 8:07 – The cast of Chicago along with an alien. Oops. That’s Rene Zellweiger with yet another new face. Well this is awkward. Best Original Score: Life Of Pi!! WOOHOO! Right again. I felt pretty strongly about this one. Well deserved. 11 for 17. 8:12 – Best Original Song: It’s not very fair that only two of them were sung live tonight. And the winner is: Adele with Skyfall. I’m starting to hate being right all the time. 12 for 18. Now I’m expecting a really funny speech from Adele. A nice, sincere and emotional moment from Adele but sadly, no F bombs. 8:22 – Dustin Hoffman and Charlize Theron. Pretty sure Dustin is in the suit. Best Adapted Screenplay: Argo. Damn. I picked Silver Linings Playbook which has yet to win anything. I’m a little concerned about picking it for Best Picture. 12 for 19. 8:26 – Best Original Screenplay: A little bit of a surprise but Quentin Tarantino wins for his amazing Django Unchained. This is a rare occasion when I am happy to be wrong for picking Zero Dark Thirty. 12 for 20. I got BOTH screenplays wrong. Shit! Any more wrong and I’m going to start dropping ‘F’ bombs! 8:33 – Michael Douglas and Big Bird, sorry Jane Fonda. Best Director: Ang Lee!!!!!! YAYYY! So glad that he won. Well deserved! Life Of Pi is a GREAT movie! 13 for 21. 8:40 – Jean Dujeldean (?) Best Actress: Jennifer Lawrence. Well deserved and not surpising. Whoops. That’s what you get when you combine a bulky dress with gravity. She should really be wearing a helmet. Right again! 14 for 22. 8:45 – Meryl Streep Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis. No surprise here. I would have been happy with Joaquin Phoenix but Day-Lewis was also brilliant. Yep. Right again. 15 for 23. Awesome Margaret Thatcher joke. Not bad. He should do a comedy. ‘There Will Be Blood On My Left Foot After I’m Assassinated.’ And now it’s time for Jack. 8:52 – Jack Nicholson. Michelle Obama with one of the big surprises of the night. She looks great as always. Here we go. Argo wins. Not quite sure how a movie that directs itself wins best pic but there you go. Actually moments before Michelle Obama’s announcement I had a feeling it was going to win. Nevertheless I did pick Silver Linings Playbook so I would be wrong. I ended the night going 15 for 24 which is not too bad. You can’t really blame the Academy for only getting 9 of them wrong. (See what I did there?) Ben Affleck could become an Auctioneer if acting and directing doesn’t work out for him. SOLD! Argo was a great movie and this is a well deserved win. All in all a pretty good night. Seth McFarlane was somewhere between Billy Crystal and James Franco. Probably a little closer to Billy Crystal actually. 9:01 – Kristin Chenoweth and Seth McFarlane sing Here’s To The Losers. Nice touch, but good Lord. Will this ever end?! 9:05 – It ended! (Whew!)

Oscars 2013 - And The Winners Are...

It’s been a great year for movies and my crack team of investigators (the girls that work the Penticton Dairy Queen drive-thru) and I have uncovered all the bribes and blow jobs that could possibly influence this year’s Academy Awards. (But enough about Meryl Streep.) I’ve seen a lot of movies this year and my doctor will be glad to know that I avoided popcorn the entire year. (I smuggled in bottled water and sometimes M & M Peanuts but don’t tell anyone.) Most years I will add one movie to my list of favorite movies of all time. This year I added three. Life Of Pi, Silver Linings Playbook and Django Unchained are three movies that I could watch over and over and not get bored. I also stayed awake for all three and that doesn’t happen often. With the help of my Dairy Queen girls …err team of investigators I was able to make my list of winners. For some I made educated guesses, for some I went by a gut feeling and, who am I kidding, on occasion I just went eeny meeny miney moe. That’s probably what a lot of the Academy does anyways. Here are my picks of every award and I will write a blog the day after the show to say I told ya so. Best Picture: The favorite leading up to the big night seems to be Argo. My girls and I were just discussing this over Peanut Buster Parfaits. Anyways, since the largest portion of the Academy comes from the acting branch and Silver Linings Playbook is the first movie since 1982 (I believe) to be nominated in all 4 acting categories, I’m picking SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK FTW! (Mom, that’s what the kids put when they mean for the win, just trying to sound cool.) Best Actress: This year features the youngest ever nominee (Q-alphabet Wallis for Beasts Of The Southern Wild) and the oldest ever nominee (Emmanuelle Riva who is like 80 something and shows her boobs and gets a diaper change. Translation: NOT a popcorn movie!) For me the clear winner here is JENNIFER LAWRENCE who was amazing in Silver Linings Playbook. Best Actor: While I think that Joaquin Phoenix gave one of the greatest performances this decade in The Master, the clear favorite here, and my pick to win is DANIEL DAY-LEWIS for his stunning portrayal of Abraham Lincoln. It will blow your mind. What? Too soon? (My Mother went to high school with Abraham and she says Day-Lewis nailed it!) I should also mention that John Hawkes also deserved a nomination for his amazing performance in The Sessions. Best Supporting Actress: I feel pretty confident that ANNE HATHAWAY is going to win this one for her brief but gut-wrenching performance in Les Miserables. In fact I’d bet a Cookie Dough and Smartie Blizzard on it. I finally got the opportunity to watch The Sessions the other night with Helen Hunt and now I feel like I am her Gynecologist AND her Proctologist. WOW! Let me just say that this one is also NOT a popcorn movie! (Though it is really good and it is possible that she could pull an upset here, but PLEASE Helen, wear a dress to the Oscars!) Best Supporting Actor: If I was to go with my Heart here I would definitely go with Christoph Waltz for his hilariously brilliant performance in Django Unchained, but I think this is a two horse race between Tommy Lee Jones and Robert Deniro. I think that ROBERT DENIRO will win for a great performance in Silver Linings Playbook. Best Director: This one I am going to be stubborn and go with my Heart. Life Of Pi was based on a bestselling novel that most people thought could not be made into a movie. Ang Lee had worked on it for years and many times also thought it was not going to work. There is a common expression among directors to never work with children, animals or water. ANG LEE did all three in Life Of Pi and did it brilliantly. If that isn’t deserving of Best Director, I don’t know what is. Best Animated Movie: Having seen only three of these (okay two and a half, I fell asleep during Pirates: Band Of Misfits) I’m going to have to go on my (ample) gut instinct. Wreck-It Ralph seems to have some momentum right now (which would indicate the aforementioned bribes and blow jobs) but I’m going to pick BRAVE. Best Cinematography: I have not seen Anna Korenina (is that about the Russian tennis player who posed for Playboy?) but I think this should be between Skyfall, the best Bond movie ever, and Life Of Pi. There were moments in Life Of Pi that were so stunning that I almost dropped my popcorn, err bottled water. It’s one of the most beautiful films I have ever seen so I am going with LIFE OF PI. Best Costume: Since it took almost the full hour to thread the needle in sewing class in grade seven and I got a D on my apron (still bitter), I will have to play eeny meeny miney moe on this one. ANNA KARENINA! Best Documentary Feature: I’ve only seen one and it was an incredibly moving story about a brilliant 70’s musician named Rodriguez. I highly recommend it for anyone that loves music and I pick SEARCHING FOR SUGAR MAN to win. Best Documentary Short: Often the one with the best title seems to win (Do you REALLY think the Academy actually watches these?) so I am picking REDEMPTION. Best Film Editing: I’d say Argo has a good shot here. (I’d also say that I know absolutely NOTHING about film editing.) But my gut tells me that ZERO DARK THIRTY is going to win for the incredible final half hour that details the killing of Osama Bin Laden. Best Foreign Language Film: This is the biggest sure thing of the night. If you are in Vegas and you have a pile of hundred dollar bills in your pocket, this would be your bet. AMOUR. (It could also win for Saggiest boobs, Best Diaper Change and Longest Scene Where Absolutely Nothing Happens And They May Have Forgotten To Turn The DAMNED Camera Off! Sorry. Forgot to say SPOILERS!) Best Makeup and Hair: Since I don’t use makeup and have no hair I will leave this one to my Dairy Queen girls. They pick LES MISERABLES! (Incidentally, if you aren’t pronouncing it ‘Lay Mizeraub’ then people will look at you like you are stupid.) Best Original Score: I’m going to pick LIFE OF PI because of the originality of the music and for the fact that it was such an integral part of the movie. Best Original Song: Adele’s Skyfall still hasn’t really grown on me. I don’t dislike it, but I’d say that if it was on her brilliant sophomore album 21 it would probably be the weakest track. That said, SKYFALL is going to win and hopefully Adele will liven up the show by dropping a couple of F bombs. (Mom, that’s what the cool kids say instead of FUCK!) Best Production Design: I know next to nothing about production or design, and even less about production design, so It’s time once again to guess. LINCOLN! Best Animated Short: I’ve seen as many of these as the Academy has (ZERO) so I’m going to have to make another guess. I’ll go with MAGGIE SIMPSON IN THE LONGEST DAYCARE. Best Live-Action Short Film: Once again I’ll just pick a movie with a good title. DEATH OF A SHADOW. Best Sound Editing: History has shown that I am weak in the sound categories (may have something to do with the fact that I don’t really know the difference between the two) but I’m going to go with ZERO DARK THIRTY here… Best Sound Mixing: …and Skyfall here. So there. Best Visual Effects: While The Avengers was one of my favorite superhero movies, I have to go with LIFE OF PI. Best Adapted Screenplay: One of the toughest categories to pick. You could make a strong case for Life Of Pi but I’m going to go with SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK just because I can and if you don’t like it go and make your own damn list! Best Original Screenplay: I feel pretty confident that this will go to ZERO DARK THIRTY. There you have it. The winners for the 2013 Oscars. Okay, MY PICKS for the winners but when am I ever wrong? Well there was that time in grade 10 when I wore white after Labor Day. But not since then. I expect a great show. I’m just glad that my local Dairy Queen has a big screen tv.

Just Wait Until Next Year

I had a brainstorm the other day about selling t-shirts with the Canucks' logo and the phrase 'Just wait until next year' underneath it. I think I could make a fortune. I've been saying 'Just wait until next year' every Spring since I was old enough to talk. In fact those may have been my very first words. Either that or 'That Mike Bossy is a Motherfucker!' Can't really remember. Another season has come and gone for my beloved Vancouver Canucks. While this one was less painful and much less exhausting, it would be fair to call it a bigger disappointment. Last season died by the hands of the Boston Bruins and I really felt like this season did too. Not only were Kesler (still not really 100% and probably never will be), Edler (one broken finger from the Stanley Cup Final still hasn't healed)and Raymond (broken back from an arguably dirty hit by Boychuk, I only say 'arguably' because I'm trying really hard to sound objective, that has definitely hindered his play) not themselves, but also that big game in Boston during the regular season seemed to suck the life out of us. Sure we won the game and proved that we could score on the power play, but we never really seemed to regroup. I don't know if there is a stat for winning ugly games, but if there is I think we may have broken the record. Something seemed wrong about the way they played most of the season and I just thought that it was me waiting impatiently for the playoffs. While that was part of it, there was clearly more to it than that. I think it's important to give credit where credit is due. The LA Kings played a great series. They stuck to their game plan 100%. They have a great goalie and great defense and the Canucks didn't seem to have the skill level to really test Jonathan Quick for the first 3 games. A big part of that was not having Daniel Sedin. You could say that a contending team should be able to overcome the loss of one player, but really it's almost like losing 2 players. And their top 2 players at that. Henrik is not the same without Daniel. The NHL is really hard to figure out sometimes (okay, most of the time). Duncan Keith received a 5 game suspension (in the regular season) for his brutal intent-to-injure elbow to the head of last years Art Ross Trophy winner while Raffi Torres receives a 25 game suspension in the playoffs for his charge on Marian Hossa. I personally didn't think the Torres hit was late, but he did leave his feet and deserved a charging penalty in my opinion. Not only was the Duncan Keith hit late, Daniel never ever had the puck. The only way to really get the players' attention is, if it is determined to be an intent to injure, to suspend the guilty player at least until the injured player comes back, if not longer. If a player who is about to elbow a guy in the head knows that if he does some serious damage, he could be out for half a season or maybe even a full season, then he probably brings that elbow back down and tries for a clean hit. Obviously if Duncan Keith had missed the first 3 games of the playoffs that wouldn't have had any effect on the Canucks-LA series, but if this rule had been in place, the incident likely never would've happened, in my opinion. One big positive was the play of Cory Schneider. Even though he was only able to win 1 of the 3 games he played, he showed that he could handle the pressure and only lost because his team just couldn't score goals. It should be pointed out that Luongo also played well in his 2 games. It's sad that he always gets the blame. How many goals did the Canucks score in game 7 against Boston? That's right. Zero. There is a reason why this city is a goalie graveyard. I just hope that Schneider isn't next. Just remember that no goalie is perfect. Schneider will let in some crappy goals now and then. (Most often there will be a couple bonehead plays from his teammates before those goals but nobody seems to notice those). It's important to not crucify him for it. Luongo is an elite goalie and has given us 6 stellar years. He's unquestionably the best goalie the Canucks have ever had and I really hope that he goes to an Eastern team because if he doesn't, he could really come back and bite us in the ass. I have never been a fan of Alain Vigneault. When Mike Gillis became the new GM I expected him to make a change and I wanted Joel Quenneville. Too bad it didn't happen. There's no denying that Vigneault knows how to win in the regular season, but the Playoffs are an entirely different animal. It's almost like comparing a Lamb to a Tiger, or a Bunny Rabbit to a Cobra, or a, well, you get the point. I think AV has been out-coached in the playoffs more often than not. In game 1 against LA his team was so badly prepared that it was embarrassing. The Kings looked like the Oilers of the '80's and the Canucks looked like the Canucks of the '70's. AV has been here for 6 years. That's a very long time for a coach. Players get sick of hearing the same bullshit. It's time for a new voice and a new philosophy. Gillis wants the team to be attacking but AV is a defensive coach. It just doesn't make sense. I was convinced that a change would be made but now I am hearing otherwise. I know that a coach can't put the skates on and score goals; it's up to the players. A coaching change will not solve all of our problems, but it would at least get us heading in the right direction. It's unfortunate that most of the offensive-minded teams have lost in the first round. Is anybody interested in watching the LA Kings play against St Louis, other than their fans? I'm certainly not. It's hard to believe that Vancouver, Detroit, San Jose, Chicago, Pittsburgh and the Bruins all lost in the first round. I only hope that the GM's in the league don't decide to make their teams more defensive minded. We should all be cheering for the Flyers to win the Cup because at least they play an exciting, offensive style. Without good goaltending however, I don't see them winning it all. And now my long off-season begins. I can't really complain too much. Instead of sitting in front of my tv, holding my breath and drinking God knows what just because I think it may bring good luck, I will be spending more time on the golf course, the tennis court and the beach. I've put away my Canucks towel and brought out my lime green G-string. And maybe that's a good thing. No, you're right. It's not. But just wait until next year.

Time To Get My Drink On (Barf Bag Standing By)

In the wake of the Pittsbugh Penguins being bounced from the Playoffs, are the Vancouver Canucks next? We will soon find out. It's probably a good thing that they had 3 days off, especially for Daniel. He's obviously still not in game shape and got some extra practice time in. I doubt that the Canucks will lose 3 straight at home but if they do then they certainly don't deserve to advance to round 2 in the first place.

I really hope the Canucks plan is to set the tone in that first shift, but you never know with Vigneault. It's time for us to make another statement and start to take over this series. You can't do that by sitting back and playing not to lose. Can the Canucks win the next 3 games? Absolutely. 2 of them are at home and with the Sedins back together and Schneider playing lights out in net, it can definitely happen. What worries me the most is Jonathan Quick. He is more than capable of stealing a game and he only needs to do it once in the next 3 games.

It looks like Raymond will play on the 4th line although if it was my choice he'd probably be in the press box. He's just not playing well enough and making too many mistakes. You have to wonder if it is a confidence thing or if the back injury has had too negative of an effect. It may sound bad but it really doesn't matter. As a coach you have to put the players on the ice that will give you the best chance to win. I probably wouldn't have Manny Malhotra out there either although he is great on faceoffs.

It's too bad they don't have a consolation draw in the NHL for all the first round losers. The Wings and Penguins would already be in it and you could possibly add the Bruins and Canucks later today. You may even be able to add the Hawks to that list tomorrow. The consolation rounds could quite possibly get better ratings than the games with the teams still in it.

I'm certainly doing my part to keep the Canucks alive in these Playoffs. Banana Vodka Paralyzers to start each period and Melon Liqueur shots for every goal. I'm not sure who the idiot was that came up with that combo (okay it was me) but it worked last game so we have to stick with it. We also switched from our usual Baked Cheezies (broke my heart) to Cracker Jacks. Gotta go with that again. Can't change a winning formula. I'm also once again going to wear my White Hot t-shirt from 1994 even though it is 3 sizes too small now. (Don't worry, I won't post a pic). I'd say this superstitious stuff is bordering on insanity, but we crossed that threshold in last year's Stanley Cup Finals. No point going back now. If we are losing in the 3rd period, I may even put tinfoil on my head.

I thought about driving down to the game tonight. I hear tickets on Craigslist are selling below ticket price, which is still outrageously high. (GREEDY, GREEDY, GREEDY!!) But it's about a 5 hour drive and with all that traffic and construction, not to mention Rogers Arena may not sell Cracker Jacks and DEFINITELY won't sell Banana Vodka Paralyzers, I decided to stay home.

Last game was the first game this series where I made a prediction on the score. I correctly said 3-1 Canucks. I guess I had better make another prediction. Let's go with 4-2 Canucks. That sounds pretty good to me. If the Canucks score any more than that I will probably be throwing up something that will be unspeakably awful, and THAT I will post a pic of.

Canucks Need To Find A Way

It's do or die time. The Canucks just need to take it one shift at a time. Their backs are to the wall. They need to leave it all on the ice. These are probably the things that Alain Vigneault is going to be telling his team before they go out on the ice. He always was a great motivator.

The Canucks find themselves in the shocking position of needing to win 4 straight against the 8th seeded LA Kings just to make the 2nd round. It looks like Daniel Sedin is finally going to play although he apparently hasn't practiced much so I don't know how effective he will be. The bigger story, however, is who is going play goal for Vancouver. Luongo has been the go-to guy for 6 years. It looks like that ends tonight as Cory Schneider gets the start. I say it's the bigger story but realistically it may not even matter. The Canucks are not down 3-0 in this series because of their goaltending. The Canuck forwards have simply been unable to get to the front of the net. Most shots are coming from 30 or 40 feet out (or more) and Jonathan Quick is able to see most of the shots. If he can see it he's going to stop it. The Kings were outshot by a pretty good margin in that last game (I'd look up the exact numbers but I'm too lazy) but as far as scoring chances go, the Kings had more. How many scoring chances from the slot did the Canucks have? One. That's just not going to get the job done. If that continues, Schneider is going to have to be perfect to give the Canucks a chance to win. You would have to think that we will score eventually, it just might not be until the 4th overtime. Schneider was almost perfect in game 3, he will need to be better tonight if the Canucks are going to bring this series back to Rogers Arena.

Maybe the Canucks will be inspired by the Penguins tonight. Also facing elimination, the Penguins have scored 9 goals so far tonight and the 2nd period isn't even over yet. This Flyers-Penguins series has been crazy.

For the first time this Spring I put my Canuck flags on my truck as I drove into town. That's gotta bring some good karma. As far as our Canuck drink, we're going with Banana Vodka Paralyzers, which is a regular Vodka Paralyzer with a splash of Banana Liqueur in it. We are also going to be doing Melon Liqueur shots after every Canucks goal. Hopefully we get to do at least a few shots. In an act of total desperation, I'm doing away with my official Canucks snack, Baked Cheezies, and instead I am going with the tried and true Cracker Jacks. With all of that, how can we not lose? Hang in there Canucks fans, this isn't over yet.

Oh, And One More Thing...

I forgot one important thing in my blog yesterday about rule changes that would actually make the NHL much more watchable and more fair. If you look at the way round one of the playoffs has gone so far, every single team with home ice advantage has lost it. (The New Jersey - Florida series is still in the middle of game 2 but Florida is up 2-0 and if they hold on they'll get a split heading home.) Doesn't seem like much of an advantage to finish in the top 4 does it? I don't think it's much of a secret around the league. As the road team heading into the series, your goal is to at least get a split. That happens more often than you would think.

If the NHL made it a little more of an advantage to have home ice advantage in a series then down the stretch teams would be battling harder to win the President's Trophy rather than just make the playoffs and then try to get, or stay, healthy.

So how do they do that? How about having the team with home ice advantage start on the road? So in the Canuck series, for example, they would play the first 2 at Staples Center in LA and then play 3 games in Vancouver, game 6 in LA and game 7 in Vancouver. That way if the so-called favored team shits the bed in the first 2 games (a la the Canucks) they aren't in quite as much trouble. If the favored team gets a split, as so often happens, then they have an opportunity to wrap it up at home by winning all 3 games. Genius isn't it? Well, I hate to brag.

You could even take this one step further. How about giving the favored team the choice of the format the way it is now or this new proposed (and ingenius, okay apparently I don't hate to brag) format?

Gary Bettman seems so concerned about getting that huge tv deal in the US. Instead of fighting to give an NHL team to every city in the Southern US and having half full buildings (only half full if they offer 4 tickets, 4 hot dogs, 4 cokes and free parking for $20) how about making changes to the game which would make the teams actually want to put the effort in to finish first overall. Jeez. Did I just make Gary Bettman sound like an idiot? Sorry about that.

A Change Will Do You Good: Improving the NHL

I'm getting sick and tired of seeing what once was a great sport being ruined by Gary Bettman. Here is a list of changes that need to be made. The sooner the better.

- Fire Gary Bettman (okay, that one is obvious)

- Get rid of the automatic penalty for flipping the puck over the glass in your own end. Leave it to the ref's discretion.

- Get rid of the rule that the top teams in each division are automatically the top 3 teams in the conference. It sucks that it's not possible for Pittsburgh, Philly, Detroit and Nashville (4 legitimate Cup contenders) to make the 2nd round.

- Either change to the no-touch icing rule or have a race to the goal line. Too many needless injuries.

- As I mentioned in my last blog, if you injure someone illegally and it is deemed an attempt to injure, you cannot come back before the injured player. That might make some of these star players who often seem to get a pass think twice about trying to take someone's head off with their elbow.

- I doubt this would happen as long as Gary Bettman is in charge but I would abolish the instigator rule. I think we'd see a lot less cheap shots and thus less injuries.

- As far as suspensions go, I would like to see an independent group determine the length of suspension. I'm not convinced that it is a fair system for all teams the way it is right now.

- I would also like to see them once again make glove hand passes in your own zone illegal. Let's make it more difficult on those d-men and force them to make a skilled play. I never did like that rule change.

- I do like the 4 on 4 OT, but how about 2 points for a win and 0 points for an OT loss? Get rid of the shootout. A tie means each team gets a point.

Finally, not really a rule change but a big change to the game, I would make the ice surface wider. Not like the European ice, but may 4 or 5 feet wider. I think this is an inevitability in this league. The players are bigger and faster than ever and injuries continue to skyrocket. Obviously Bettman and the owners don't want to take seats out of their buildings, but the game would be immensely better if there was more room out there. As I say, this will happen at some time. Hopefully very soon.

There you go. I think these changes would really make watching NHL hockey a lot more enjoyable. Maybe if they ever do fire Bettman I should submit my resume. As long as it doesn't involve me having to get out of my comfy easy chair!

No Time To Panic

After an abysmal effort in a game 1 loss, the Canucks upped their compete level considerably in game 2. While they didn't dominate like I'd hoped that they would, at least they were able to skate with the Kings and had a definite edge in play five-on-five. Sometimes all it takes is a miscue or two. Sometimes the better team doesn't win. I think that happened tonight as LA pulled off a big 4-2 win to take a 2-0 lead back to Staples Center.

The Canucks undoing was their power play. You can look back to them trading Cody Hodgson and not getting a power play guy in return, you can look at their inability to replace Ehrhoff, and of course you can look at the loss of Daniel Sedin, something that obviously is not Mike Gillis' fault. All of these have been a factor. I also think that Newell Brown has made their power play too predictable. It's time to change things up and maybe lose the neutral zone drop pass. Something drastic has to happen. They can't get by LA, let alone win a Stanley Cup without some production from the PP.

Back to Daniel Sedin for a moment. I would like to see a rule change. If it is deemed an attempt to injure which clearly, watching the incident with Duncan Keith, I would say that it was, then the offending player should be out at least as long as the injured player if not longer. The important thing here would be to find a way to determine what exactly is an attempt to injure. Rome on Horton? I would say no. Weber on Zetterberg? Probably yes. The Bitz hit on Clifford? That's where it gets a little tricky. I'm not sure. But I do think that if there was a rule in place there would probably be a good chance that Duncan Keith turns to retrieve the puck, which is instinctually what a defenceman would do in that moment, instead of targeting Daniel's head with his elbow. His season could be on the line. Maybe that would help lessen the concussions and extend some great player's (Sidney Crosby) careers.

I will say this though, if Daniel Sedin does not return to the Canucks and they don't get past LA, or even if they fail to win the Stanley Cup, Duncan Keith is probably not going to feel very welcome coming back to BC, and I'm not above going all Tonya Harding on his ass.

Roberto Luongo has been at or near the top of his game for the first two games of this series. Surprisingly I haven't read any hateful Twitter tweets. (Pretty sure that's redundant.) Having said that, I personally would go with Cory Schneider for game 3, as I mentioned in my last blog. I think Schneider is a little quicker, better positioned, more patient, and has overall had a better season. Perhaps more importantly the team often seems to play better in front of him. More than anything this team needs to change something up.

Once again this year the Canucks were a great road team. There are often a lot of distractions at home, and most certainly a lot of pressure. They were probably looking forward to getting out on the road. Don't jump off the bandwagon yet. If we fight back on Sunday and find a way to win, well we are right back in the series. I really hope that Daniel is able to come back, but I have a bad feeling. The Canucks are really going to have to tighten things up in their own end if Daniel doesn't come back or there may not even be a game 5 back in Vancouver. For me though, that would be less heartbreaking and way less painful than losing game 7 in the Stanley Cup Finals.

Well my lucky, smelly autographed Canucks t-shirt, which was so successful last Spring, didn't work. My Long Island Iced Teas were a bust. I'm not sure what else to try. Still have to decide on our next Canuck drink. Definitely thinking about Tequila Shooters but I worry that if the Canucks go on a big winning streak (and of course we will have to continue drinking Tequila shots every game) then I would miss the Stanley Cup Parade because I would be in AA Meetings. Maybe I'll just go with Pear Cider.

Time To Flip The Switch

Well that was rather unimpressive. The Canucks played game 1 of their first round series against The LA Kings like they were the team that just squeaked into the playoffs not the other way around. They played like they were afraid to lose, rather than playing to win. They also looked like they were afraid to move their feet. Dare I bash the coach for the umpteenth time since he's been here? Why bother. Won't do much good.

One thing many Canucks fans fail to do is credit the opposition when they play well, and LA played a great game. The Canucks simply couldn't, or wouldn't, raise their compete level and try to skate with this team. It's infuriating to me when we only go on the offensive when we are down a goal and if we tie it up we tighten up once again and let them take it to us. That's just bad coaching. And here I said I wasn't going to bash the coach. Oops.

One of the few good things on the night was the play of Roberto Luongo. Actually I'm not sure if that's good or bad. It might be a little more comforting if we could just blame the goaltending and pretend everything else is great. I think a lot of Canuck fans have been doing that most of the season.

As lop-sided as this game was it was still a winnable game for the Canucks well into the 3rd period. A lucky bounce here or there and they might've even gotten a victory. I hate to bitch about the refs but as Tony Gallagher said in his column in The Province, they basically scored the first Kings goal. How they call Kesler for spraying the goalie I will never know. That led to 2 consecutive clearing the puck over the glass penalties which were a direct result of being short-handed and the game took a turn for the worse at that point. I am often quite vocal about the reffing, but I can also be objective. I get mad when the refs make a bad call on the opposition as well. I want the Canucks to win fair and square and I would love to barely notice the officials in a game, especially when the game doesn't get out of hand with fights and dirty hits. I want to see some even strength play, is that too much to ask? Probably.

I think I'm most disappointed that my Vodka Paralyzers didn't do the trick. Now we have to change drinks. It breaks my Heart. That's okay. I love our game 2 drink as well, Long Island Iced Tea. If we don't win this one then we may resort to Tequila shots for game 3, but let's not go there right now.

My lucky Baked Cheezies didn't help either, but I don't have to change that up. It's ridiculous to think that eating Baked Cheezies could influence a hockey game. Nope. It's all about the booze.

A lot of people are calling game 2 a must win game for The Canucks. I don't quite see it that way. Keep in mind that those hated Boston Bruins (sorry, I threw up in my mouth a little just saying their name) lost the first 2 games at home to Montreal in round 1 last year and they went on to win The Sta...sorry, I can't even say it. While I think the Canucks need to approach this game as a must win, their road record was great again this year so I wouldn't totally count them out if they lose tonight. In my opinion though, if we do lose tonight, no matter how well Luongo plays I would probably go with Schneider for game 3, just to change things up a bit. The team for some reason often plays better in front of Schneider.

Now is not the time to jump off the bandwagon. Now is the time to wave those flags and chant 'Go Canucks Go!' and of course drink those Long Island Iced Teas like there is no tomorrow!

The (Hopefully) Long Journey To The Stanley Cup Begins

It's been 10 months since I last wrote about the Canucks. I wrote a blog after every game they played in last years playoffs. Except the last one. It was excruciatingly painful the way the Canucks crumbled to the Bruins, an inferior team in my opinion. I didn't even watch Chara hoist the Cup. I couldn't. I'm not even going to talk about what happened last Spring. It's too exhausting and depressing to think about. Right now it's time to focus on a new opportunity for Henrik to carry the Cup around the ice and enable me to finally open the champagne that is in the back of my fridge somewhere. Hopefully it doesn't have an expiry date.

It's been a long season for all of us Canucks' fans. Even longer for the players I'm sure. Hard to believe, as up and down as their season has been and as lackluster as they've played at times, that they've been able to win their 2nd straight President's Trophy. A pretty incredible feat that admittedly doesn't really mean much at the end of the day.

I watched 81 games this year, but really was more focussed on Tweeting than the actual games. With the exception of a few games (Boston, Detroit, Chicago) I haven't been paying attention nearly as much as most years. I think our expectations are so high that anything short of a 6-0 victory every game is a disappointment and somebody needs to be traded, or fired. Now we can all settle down. There will be no more trades and Vigneault will hold onto his job at least for the next couple of months.

I don't think there is any question that the Canucks have not put in a full effort for most of this season. Their focus has clearly been to be as ready as possible and as healthy as possible by April 11, which coincidentally enough is today. A lot of games I think I put more effort into my Twitter comments than most of the Canucks do playing. The real question is, will they be able to raise their game enough to beat a very solid team in the LA Kings? Soon enough we will know the answer. But for now, if you would like a little expert analysis or insight into this series, well, you probably will want to read someone else's blog. I'll just say that as long as we get good goaltending I think we'll find a way to score enough to win. If Luongo can't get the job done then I think Cory Schneider will. I don't care which one of them wins us a cup (or both, just not at the same time - unfortunately that's against the rules), just as long as we win. The best players put the team before themselves. In any sport. As good as Steve Yzerman was he didn't become a great player until he became a 2 way player and was dominant at both ends of the ice. I would take a young Steve Yzerman over an overly flashy all-about-me Alex Ovechkin any day. I really get the feeling that the Canucks as a whole put the team before themselves. That's how you win. Or to be more accurate, that's how you give yourselves a chance to win.

This team seems to be the most hated in the NHL and I'm not really sure why. On the ice I can see why people watching get frustrated. Kesler and Burrows do dive a lot. Lappiere yaps a lot. But off the ice they are a very classy bunch and there is no one more classy than the Sedins. All in all it doesn't matter anyways. Great teams are always hated. I'm not sure if there is a team in baseball more loved and more hated at the same time than the Yankees. (For the record, I hate them.) I think we should all take it as a compliment. I don't like the way CBC talks about the Canucks though. Our taxes help fund that shitty network. I don't need to hear that weasle Ron McLean bash our team. In fact not only did I not watch any Hockey Night In Canada games that didn't involve the Canucks this year, but I also changed the channel between periods when I did watch. Thanks to Youtube I could still hear the hilariously stupid things coming out of Don Cherry and Mike Milbury's mouths.

As we approach game time for the Canucks - Kings game my sources have told me that Daniel Sedin will not play. (Okay, I don't really have sources, just trying to make this sound better.) I wouldn't panic about that. The Canucks have been great without Daniel down the stretch and I would think that 2 goals may be enough to beat these Kings. We should be able to score twice without Daniel, if not someone needs to run Quick into next week. (Kidding.)

It's time for me to look out my Canucks towels, Jerseys, flags, mugs, posters, programs, autographed t-shirts etc and poor myself a Vodka Paralyzer. That's our drink to start the playoffs. We will be drinking Vodka Paralyzers every game until the Canucks lose and then we will switch to something else. I hope we sweep. I love my Vodka Paralyzers.

Enjoy the game and will all of you Canucks' fans please do me a favor and rally around Luongo. If you want this team to win, and I know you do, it would take a lot of pressure off of his back if everyone just gave him a break. NOBODY wants to win more than he does and nobody works harder on and off the ice. Let's just give him a break. He's trying his best and that's pretty much all we can really ask.

Las Vegas: Did I Mention The Buffets?

It's been one week since I've returned from Vegas. Seven days. It's taken me that long to gather up enough energy to be able to write one final Las Vegas blog. That's what Vegas does to you. It drains the life from you. I thought I was ready, but clearly I was wrong. Next time maybe I should sleep for a full twenty-four hours before hopping on that plane.

I've heard people who don't like Vegas say that it's overwhelming, it's tacky, too busy, too expensive, over the top and ridiculous. I've heard people that love it say that it's fun, it's a party, great food, great shows. The truth is that Vegas is all of these things. Do I REALLY feel like I've been to Paris or New York? No. The hotels are simply artistic interpretations of these places, and for me they were pure, ridiculously over the top fun.

It's unfortunate that we were almost two hours late arriving in Vegas and yet our flight home landed early. Why does that always happen? In the end I probably averaged about four hours sleep a night for the four nights we were there. (For those of you keeping score at home, that's a total of sixteen hours of sleep.) I've never been a good sleeper, but just knowing that there were restaurants and ice cream shops open all night made sleep all but impossible. I actually fell asleep every night, err morning, in the bathtub. (Is that a modern day waterbed perhaps?) Luckily I remembered to wear little floaties on my arms to keep from drowning. My feet also floated on top of the water, due to a series of giant blisters. I should have really gotten a picture of that. Come to think of it, I'm glad I didn't. Ryan needs more sleep than I do so while he slept I would write my blog and on a few occasions I went back down to the casino to see how much more money I could lose on those mind-numbing machines.

I'm not a gambler. I've never claimed to be. I just recently found out that Roulette isn't a female hockey sport where they have no hooks on their sticks. I understand the basics of poker and blackjack, but I don't know anything about chips and gambling etiquette and I don't want to appear stupid. (I also saw Rainman where Dustin Hoffman got into trouble for counting cards. I'm not nearly intelligent enough to be able to count cards but I often have that stunned look on my face that Rainman often had and I tend to repeat things ad naseum. There's probably a pretty good chance I would've been thrown out of the city.) So there I was at the slot machines putting in twenty after twenty. You kind of go into a trance after a while. Kind of like women when they are shopping. At Treasure Island I was up fifty bucks when I cashed out. That was a big moment for me, because every other time, without exception, I lost. With my bad luck there's not much chance I would ever become addicted to this.

They've made a very clear and conscious effort in the last decade to make Vegas less child-friendly. The newer hotels such as City Center and the Wynn hotels are not appealing at all to kids. I think this is a good thing. Vegas is not really a good place for kids. Take them to Disneyland instead. I found it very strange walking into the smoke pit that is Circus Circus and seeing a mezzanine above the casino filled with games and cotton candy and everything little kids would love, set around a circus. Smoking and kids? I just don't understand how they can get away with this. This is something that will have to change. It's really my only gripe about Vegas. (Besides our first cab driver that took us through the tunnel and turned a ten dollar fare into a thirty dollar fare, but I only gave him a 10 cent tip so IN YOUR FACE BITCH!!) Even the brand new Cosmopolitan (some amazing restaurants in this hotel set around a tacky three-story chandelier) reeks of smoke. My teeth are a little more yellow and my lungs a little blacker just from having lunch in the buffet. (Which was soo amazing that, Hell, what's a year or two off of my life?)

We did a lot in our four days in Vegas. My brother told me that we did more there than he's ever done and he's been there countless times. I dragged poor Ryan around that place at break-neck speed. But he didn't complain. I think that he was just as entranced as I was. Even still there are a lot of things that we didn't get to do. (Such as lose a tooth, meet Mike Tyson, find a baby, steal a tiger, marry a whore. Hey, that could be a movie!) We still want to see Celine Dion (if the bitch ever gets her voice back), Penn & Teller and O among others. (And no, not Donny & Marie, I'm not THAT gay.) Places that I liked enough to stay at: Paris, Planet Hollywood (again), New York New York, Treasure Island, The Mirage, Caesar's Palace and Mandalay Bay. Places I would stay if I won the lottery (or somebody just gave me a whole stash of money to pay for my kidney transplant): The Venetian, The Hotel at Mandalay Bay, Wynn and Wynn Encore. Places I would only stay at if I had an oxygen mask and a hat and sunglasses because I would be embarrassed to be recognized there: Excalibur, Circus Circus, The Flamingo, Bill's Gamblin' Hall.

For the one or two of you that actually read my other Vegas blogs, I feel that I should clarify something. I wrote a lot about the food, particularly the buffets. I probably painted a picture of heaping mounds of mashed potatoes, piles of lasagna, and plate after plate of pizza. This is simply not accurate. In reality, while I did have two plates of food at every buffet, and then another for desserts (yes desserts, plural. In my World desserts has always had three S's) I only had a tablespoon or two of a few things just to try them. The only time I took more than that was when they were in individual dishes (like the amazing French toast at the Spice Market Buffet at Planet Hollywood.) I was worried about feeling sick and sluggish when we had miles and miles still to walk. Actually, worrying about gaining weight never even crossed my mind.

I took over four hundred pictures in four days. (That's a hundred pictures a day, come on, did you really need a calculator for that?) I posted a half dozen or so to my Twitter account (@coreyoke1) and over two hundred on Facebook. Ryan made about eighty-five videos which I will quite possibly post if I can ever figure out how to do that. I think it's safe to say that Vegas became an obsession for us. I already miss it. Okay, I miss the buffets.

There is talk of a group of friends going to Vegas in May. Now that would be fun. The swimming pools would be open. One word of caution: I'd probably wear my lime green Borat speedo. Uh oh. Now I probably won't be invited. Vegas was fun with just the two of us, but with a large group it would be a blast. (Dining-and-dashing with two people is kind of boring). We will see. I'll certainly have to try to save up some money first. While I may have left my heart in San Francisco, I definitely left my wallet in Las Vegas.

Las Vegas: The Track Meet Comes To A Close

We did a lot on our final day in Las Vegas. I actually got a decent sleep, probably 6 hours. I needed it. I'll need a lot more when I get home. We headed over to the Cosmopolitan across the street to have what everyone says is the best buffet in Vegas, The Wicked Spoon. The critics are right. It is amazing. I had some lobster pasta, some butternut squash ravioli, some delicious gnocci. Everything I tried was really good. And then I found the dessert section. I had to take pics. To show all the desserts I probably took 8 pics. I'm sure I looked like a tacky tourist, but the truth is that I pretty much am. No need to try to fool people. I will spare you the details of every single dessert that they have (only because I'm really tired and we have to be at the airport by 8:45 am), but I will post a lot of pics. All of them on Facebook and a few on Twitter.

After our lunch ($22 each is pretty steep for lunch but I had $22 worth of desserts) we walked to the Bellagio and hopped in a cab and headed to Circus Circus. The cab driver (all of them have been really nice and we've had some pretty good conversations) laughed the whole way there about us leaving The Bellagio for a dump like Circus Circus. I told him The Bellagio doesn't meet our standards. We needed an upgrade. The truth was I just wanted to see on of the more historic Las Vegas hotels before they blow it up to build something else and I wanted to go on the roller coaster. The Canyon Blaster was a lot smoother than the New York New York coaster and half the price but we both felt sick afterwards. You go upside down four times in about 30 seconds. I'm surprised I didn't throw up. Once that was over we walked to the dumpy and smokey casino to see the trapeze acts but they were on a break so we got the hell out of there, hopped in a cab and headed to the Stratosphere.

The Stratosphere is very similar to the Egyptian pyramids, only instead of Egyptians lugging stones up one at a time by ropes, they used big cranes and lots of concrete to build the Stratosphere. Okay, so it's actually nothing like the Pyramids. It is one of the highest free standing structures in the US, if not the highest. Can't remember. Google it. From the top you walk around this pretty crappy glass enclosed (and dirty glass, try taking a pic through that) area. I wasn't very impressed. I'm so glad you could go upstairs and outside. It's amazing out there. There was no wind and it was about 21C. It really was beautiful. There are 3 rides at the top. All 3 of them you have to be crazy to ride. Oh and you can also bungy jump off of it as well. I think I would rather hammer a nail through my nutsack.

Once we headed back down the elevator we jumped in a cab once again and headed to Freemont Street downtown. Incidentally there are more cabs in Las Vegas per capita than anywhere else in the US. See, keep reading this blog and you will eventually learn something. Maybe I should teach a course. Oops. It's not like me to digress. Anyways, Freemont Street was pretty cool. We walked through the historic Golden Nugget and saw the pool with a big huge aquarium with sharks that had a giant waterslide go right through it. Pretty cool. On our way through the casino rap star Coolio almost knocked Ryan over. That was his brush with fame on this trip.

Freemont Street is a very cool experience. I wish that we had been there at night, but we'll try to do that next time. We bought frozen mudslides and walked through some shops. Eventually we got to the zip line and waited the 45 minutes to go on. I've never tried it before and I was really afraid I would scream like a little girl and make a fool of myself. It was actually really fun and I didn't scream, but at the end you go in really fast and then it stops very quickly. That was a little scary. It was a lot of fun though.

Once again we jumped in a cab and headed back to our hotel to get ready for dinner. It was Friday night on the weekend of the Nascar race so it was getting busy. The roads were jammed and the police had one whole area blocked off. The cab driver figured there was a shooting. He had trouble getting through so he was taking short cuts and he was flying. I think he may have been Spanish, he talked like Rafa Nadal and I had trouble understanding him. Stuck in traffic he would wait for his opening and the say 'and, and, and, it's CHO TIME!' and then he would gun it and change lanes at about 3 G's and I was almost ready to put my head between my legs.(As a safety precaution people, I'm not that flexible). Eventually we got back to the hotel and I was feeling sick.

Earlier in the day I had made reservations for Jaleo in the Cosmopolitan, the 7th best rated restaurant in Vegas according to my trusty Unofficial Guide to Las Vegas book. It was the only restaurant in the top 20 that was moderately priced. Why was it moderate? Because they were small dishes,tapas, that you share. I'm a soup lover so I ordered the Ajo Blanco Con Cangrejo. (Chilled almond and garlic soup with crabmeat and green grapes). The waiter was impressed and said it was the best thing on the menu. I told him that I was a writer for Food Magazine and I'm a regular judge on Iron Chef. Not sure if he bought it. Anyways, the soup was very good. Ryan ordered the Sopa de Ajo (cold garlic soup with black garlic and egg) and didn't like the fact that the egg was raw. He's not really an egg person so he had a bit of trouble with that and I think it kind of put him off for the rest of the meal. We also ordered a La Serena Con Membrillo each (La Serena cheeses and a quince paste) and they were delicious. Cheesey with a bit of wine and quite sweet all in a little ice cream cone type thing. We also ordered chicken fritters that came in a shoe. Not kidding. Maybe it's a Spanish thing. They were good. We also ordered Patatas Bravas which were like potato chips with a spicy tomato sauce and alioli. They were delicious. I also ordered a cajun style dish of Prawns that reminded me of the French Quarters of New Orleans. We also had some delicious Spanish wine and a great dessert. Don't worry, I took pics of everything. It didn't seem like I ordered that much but our bill came to $123. Some much for moderate prices.

After the show we had to walk to Caesars Palace. Since the Bellagio is on the way we got to see the Fountain Show from street level for the first time. We have a fountain view so we've seen them from our room a few times but it's a lot better from the ground and when you can hear the music. We continued on to Caesars and went to Absinthe in a tent just outside of the hotel. It's a very funny acrobatic show that is 18+. After 3 days of Cirque du Soleil shows it was a nice change of pace. The master of ceremonies and his ditzy blond assistant insulted just about everyone and every race. He used pretty much every bad word I could possibly think of, and many times. It's a hilarious show with some incredible acrobatics, all in a very tight space. The stage is only about 10 feet across. The show is in the round. If you are not easily offended and have a good sense of humor I think this show is a must see while in Vegas. I was also allowed to take pics (with no flash) and I took a lot. I will post them when I get home. (Well, after a LONG nap.)

After the show we headed to the Forum Shops at Caesars. Very cool to see and ridiculously over the top. We got a few good pics in there. Then we went through the Flamingo which was very smokey and gross but it was cool to see. There is a lot of history there. We also quickly walked through Bill's Gamblin' Saloon (also smokey and gross) and went into Ballys which went through to Paris. More frozen drinks. Very good. Then we headed back to Planet Hollywood where I quickly lost $50 playing video poker. I guess I just haven't quite grasped this gambling thing. Probably a good thing we are going home soon.

It's very strange to see people smoking inside. A lot of the older hotels absolutely reek of cigarettes. I grew up with a smoker so I'm used to that smell. (Also the smell of Vodka and vomit but that's a different story). Even still, I was bothered by it. I just can't believe Nevada hasn't made smoking indoors in public places illegal. It will be interesting to see how that plays out but you'd think it would be inevitable.

It's been a great trip. We've seen a lot, but it's impossible to see everything in one trip. It would be nice to be able to come back soon. I've been offered Celine tickets for 15% off and a Caesar's room for 25% off so hopefully we can get back there before the end of Summer. But don't bet on it. (See what I did there?)

Guess I should try to get a few hours sleep. Hopefully the flight home is a little less interesting. The flight to Vegas was a thrill ride all its own. I will write a final Vegas blog in a day or two with some more fun facts and trivia (who knows, some of it may even be true) and I'll post the 700 or so pics that I took. (685 of them are of food.) I even have quite a bit of video and if I can figure out how to do it I'll probably post some. In the words of Donny & Marie, who thankfully we didn't see, G'night everybody.